So I was sitting here having this silent dilemma.  I was debating whether I should cave to demand and post the description of the teaser for JJ Abrams’ Super 8 that’s currently attached to Iron Man 2. I know there’s a certain breed of dork out there that demands this information, but I can think of few things more asinine than reading someone else’s description of a trailer.  Are you that hard up to know about this that you can’t wait another day?  If you were blind and you knew you were getting your sight back in two days, would you spend half your day having someone describe to you the poster for the Lost finale?  That’s a bad analogy, but it’s hard to come up with a good analogy for something this lame.  Maybe it’s more like a retarded dog jacking off and farting (also the name of my indie band).

Anyway, someone posted a bootleg version of it so now you can just watch that (hurry before it’s gone).  Here’s my description of it: “It’s about aliens.”

[via ComingSoon]

JJ Abrams, the little lad who directed Star Trek and likes berries and cream, has reportedly been hard at work on a movie project.  The teaser for it will be attached to Iron Man 2 this weekend, but up until now, he’s managed to keep everyone involved from saying anything about it .  And all because he wanted to make sure it was a surprise for us.  Aw, Special J, you know me so well.  *leans over to kiss him on top of the head*

Says HitFix, who broke the news:

What if I told you JJ Abrams had a mystery box called “Super 8″ all gift-wrapped and ready for everyone to open this week, and there hasn’t been a single word written about it online so far?  Impressive, don’t you think?

When audiences sit down for screenings of “Iron Man 2″ this weekend, they’re going to see trailers for other summer movies that they’ve already heard of, and then they’ll also get their first look at a movie that Abrams is producing via a teaser trailer he directed, much like the teaser trailer that announced “Cloverfield” to an unsuspecting audience in front of “Transformers.”  That was almost a complete surprise when it happened.

[from an Abrams speech at an earlier conference] “I can tell you that the film is called “Super 8.”  I can also tell you that it is rumored to be a “Cloverfield” sequel. How it ties in to the first film is unclear at this point, but I would imagine the trailer will make that connection explicit so that audiences basically walk out after two hours of amazing Iron Man action talking about a two minute trailer as the most exciting thing they saw.  What I can’t tell you is what you’re actually going to see in the trailer, and frankly, I don’t want to know yet.”

It appears that Abrams will not be directing this film, and the more I’ve poked into it, the more convinced I am that this is not the movie that Abrams is rumored to be teaming with Steven Spielberg to make.

He goes onto say that theater owners have gone to the trouble of putting the Iron Man prints in locked canisters that can’t be opened until Thursday afternoon, and during filming of the teaser, Abrams even tricked crew members into thinking they were working on a teen sex comedy with a fake title.  I love it when they go these insane lengths to protect silly things like this, because it makes me imagine five guys who look like Napoleon Dynamite carrying sub machine guns repelling down from the ceiling like Mission Impossible just before show time.  “Uh, like, give uth the JJ Abramth spoilerth. (*sucks saliva through teeth*)”

"Check your perimeter. Are there any gays in there?"

The Hollywood Reporter reports that Incredibles/Ratatouille director Brad Bird is at the top of the list of directors Paramount wants for the JJ Abrams-produced Mission Impossible IV, which is set for release in 2011, just like my balls.

Tom Cruise and Abrams have been meeting with filmmakers new and old, including “Zombieland” director Ruben Fleischer and “Shaun of the Dead” director Edgar Wright, whose adventure-comedy “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” is coming out this summer.
Bird has been itching to make his live-action debut for a while and has long been developing “1906,” which takes place around the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. That project is set up at Warner Bros. and is rumored to be stalled because of budgetary reasons.
Bird would not be the first Pixar-ite to jump into live action. Andrew Stanton, who directed “Finding Nemo” and “WALL-E,” is in London shooting “John Carter of Mars,” a feature based on the Edgar Rice Burroughs hero.

Hell yes the Pixar guys should do live action.  Storytelling is storytelling.  Though if I was Brad Bird, I don’t think I’d want my first shot at it to be with a dead franchise starring Tom Cruise.  Come to think of it, is it really fair to call working with Tom Cruise “live action”?  They should just get him one of those talking collars that the dogs wore in Up.

(Tentpoles, franchise, synergy, hedge funds: Paramount’s bold new plan for the fiscal year)

In the age of the franchise picture, many of us have forgot about Mission Impossible, the boring franchise starring boring Tom Cruise that was boring audiences back when The Bored Identity was still a boring sperm in his daddy’s boring nutsack.  Which is why it thrills me to report that JJ Abrams and Cruise will team up to produce MI IV, with the director still to be announced.  Attached to write the script are André Nemec and Josh Applebaum, the brains behind such shows as Happy Town, Life on Mars, October Road, Alias, Fastlane, and She Spies.  I’ve never seen any of those, but I’m sure they weren’t boring.  In honor of the occasion, Paramount CEO Brad Grey had this totally not-boring thing to say:

“Tom and J.J. are great talents and we are excited to be working with them to re-launch this legendary franchise.”

A fourth sequel.  Can you imagine anything more exciting?  I’m sure I’ll be there on opening day.

(As long as there aren’t any gays in there.)

When I heard Diora Baird was playing an Orion Slave Girl in Star Trek, I was rightly tumescent, because Diora Baird’s breasts are made from the laughter of children and that mixture of maple syrup and melted butter that dribbles down the side of your pancakes.  Then the movie came out and deflated my wiener with the one-two punch of the lack of beautiful Baird breasts and Zachary Quinto’s intrusive eyebrows.  Today, we can finally see the Diora Baird scene that didn’t make the movie.  And it’s… an even bigger disappointment than her not being in the movie, somehow.  Dear JJ Abrams: you hired Diora Baird for your movie and you kept her fully clothed?  You’re worse than Stalin.  You’re like Hitler, if Hitler had promised the Jews ice cream before he gassed them, and then kicked a puppy.  Yours in undying hatred, Vince.

I also like how the scene involves Kirk apologizing to an Orion Slave Girl for using her.  Dude, she’s a slave girl. It’s in the title.  You don’t have to treat them like Dilythian Equality Womyn.

[video via ToplessRobot]