I sat next to a fidgety gay couple at my screening of Star Trek, but I thought it was just because I lived in San Francisco. Turns out it was actually part of a broader trend (THANKS, OBAMA). That trend being, that girls and youngins largely stayed away from Star Trek 2: 2 Trek 2 Furious. I guess that’s what they get for building a spaceship that looks like a flying saucer with three penises.

Trek earned $70.6 million for the weekend, which is decent, but not as much as the first, or as much as Paramount wanted or expected. Sucks to be you, bros.

While it’s usually unfair to knock a movie for opening in line with its predecessor, it certainly feels like the “disappointment” label is applicable in this case. All signs suggest the 2009 Trek is very well-liked (it has a strong 8.0 rating on IMDb) and Paramount’s marketing did a decent job walking the sequel tightrope (a balanced approach of promising more-of-the-same and offering something new). Additionally, there was four years of ticket price inflation and the addition of 3D and IMAX premiums. Based on historical comparisons, this should have added up to around $100 million for the four-day weekend, which was what Paramount was publicly forecasting going in to the weekend.

Trek‘s demographics tell an interesting story that contributes to that theory: the audience skewed heavily male (64 percent) and older (73 percent over the age of 25). In comparison, the first movie did a better job reaching women (only 60 percent male) and younger audiences (only 65 percent over 25). [BoxOfficeMojo]

It would’ve had more female viewers, but a lot of girls got left on the curb when they kept calling it “Star Wars.” It’s just as well, they probably would’ve just sat there texting the whole time anyway.

My guess is, they didn’t sell the villain enough. Iron Man 3 made $175 million opening weekend, and that was at least advertised as Iron Man fighting The Mandarin. Star Trek 2 had the crew that we already knew, plus an unnamed British dude with really messy bangs (“Run for your lives! He’s all drippy!”) JJ Abrams likes to keeps his projects all secrety, like he did with his Trek fanboy handjob reveal halfway through this one, but that probably works against you somewhat when it comes to makin’ money. To extend the metaphor, secret handjobs are nice, but you make a lot more cash when you just shout “Hey! Over here! Handjobs!”

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“I’ve come for your Grey Poupon.”

The newest trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness hit the web today, and unlike previous trailers, where all I could remember was Alice Eve in her bra and that Nordic ice queen bob (*bites knuckle until it bleeds*), this one seems to cover just a few main points:

• Explosions

• Lights shining into the camera

• Benedict Cumberbatch’s bangs (you wouldn’t like him when his bangs are messy)

• Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice (grooowwwlw growwl growwly growwwl)

• Listen to your friend, Bruce Greenwood, Kirk. He’s Canadian.

Yes, it’s probably a lot more explosiony and less about logic and human nature and clashes of culture than you remember from Star Trek, and pretty sure William Shatner never flew around space in a jetpack. But what this movie presupposes is… maybe he should have? I’ll allow it.

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Hi, I’m the ship’s doctor, this is how we look and dress in the future

The second trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness just hit the web, and as I’ve said all along, letting JJ Abrams direct both Star Trek and Star Wars was a weird idea, like the same guy running both Coke and Pepsi, or having Mick Jagger sing for the Beatles. In this new trailer, it looks like Abrams just gets confused as to which one he’s making and films an homage to that Star Wars scene where the Millennium Falcon has to turn sideways to fit between the asteroids:

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After Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull everyone was down on my main man, Harri-Fo. Not so fast suckers, because El Mayimbe (Spanish for “The Mayimbe”) broke the news today that Ford will return for Star Wars VII. What?! Shiver me timbers and call me Sally the Southern Biscuit, this news has the “Warsians” (why do they call themselves such a weird name?) all in a lather.

Slate has cautioned this might be false info, but they are correct about The Mayimbe’s general veracity. I drank once with that dude and he seemed pretty legit to me. He didn’t order a flavored vodka or anything like that.

There’s not much more to say other than to note that both R2-D2 and C-3PO passed on the project out of “respect for the original work” and “not wanting to be an easy target for South Park“.

According to a report by The Wrap, Super 8/Star Trek director JJ Abrams is set to take on Star Wars Episode VII for the newly Disney-acquired incarnation of Lucasfilm. With JJ Abrams involved, my level of interest in this project has been officially raised from *shrug* to Code Mouthfart.

Haha, something something lens flares.

Lucasfilm Chief Kathleen Kennedy has been courting Abrams, one of the most successful directors and producers in Hollywood — and a man beloved by fanboys. He runs one of the industry’s top production companies, Bad Robot, and created or co-created television franchises like “Lost,” “Fringe” and “Alias.” He has also directed film spectacles “Mission: Impossible III,” “Star Trek” and “Super 8.”

The lure of the Jedi was too strong, and it will no doubt complicate his relationship with Paramount, where Bad Robot is a top supplier. Abrams has been feverishly working on “Star Trek Into Darkness,” his second Star Trek film since he rebooted the franchise in 2009. “Into Darkness,” still in post-production, opens May 18.

The same guy is directing both Star Wars and Star Trek, shouldn’t that be illegal? I bet some 35-year-old virgins are none to happy about this. Not me though, I get tons of pussy. I have this really hot girlfriend, she goes to Stanford.

I’d like to see a very special Episode of Star Wars, where Han Solo goes to a Take Back The Night rally.