(Not pictured: Pigtails, a lollipop)

Jonah Hex opens in three weeks and WB just released this new trailer.  It’s chock fulla crossbows and gatling guns and explosions and rock music, and CGI crows climbin outta people’s mouths.  CAW! CAW! BANG! F*CK! I’M DEAD!  …TICK TICK TICK…. SLUTS!  Looks like Megan Fox brought out her little girl voice for this one.  I mean, I know she’s playing a whore and all, but I think she’d be sexier if she didn’t play it, you know, so whore-y.  It’s like I tell my girlfriend, you don’t have to be someone else, just cover your c-section scar, it makes it easier to pretend. I also would’ve enjoyed it if before Josh Brolin blew the f*ck outta something, he yelled to John Malkovich’s bad guy, “Hey Malkovich, think fast!”

That’s really all this one needs. (*chucks beer can at pigeon*)

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WB and Legendary Pictures’ Jonah Hex has been plagued by bad buzz — rumors of another director being brought in to do reshoots (Horton Hears a Who‘s Jimmy Hayward had never done live action before), plus the general concern that, even though the movie opens in June, we hadn’t seen a trailer before today.  But now that it’s here, it looks basically like the graphic-novel western that was promised.  GRRR, RAP-ROCK AND GATLING GUNS AND AND ONE LINERS AND EXPLOSIONS!!!  Tick. Tick. Tick… SLUTS!

And what else would you expect from the screenwriters who did Crank? It’s got a pretty good cast: Josh Brolin, Will Arnett, Michael Fassbender, John Malkovich, and Megan Fox’s ridiculous accent, so who knows.  It’ll probably be really stupid, but I’m holding out hope for awesome-stupid, like a retarded kid jumping through a flaming hoop. You’d be amazed at what you can get them to do with a bullwhip and upside-down chair.

(Een Soviet Russia, Megan Fox head cock YOU.)

This rumor sounds rather specious, but since reporting it gives me license to pepper my post with “MEGAN FOX NUDE” and MEGAN FOX NAKED,”  as Judge Judy might say, “I’ll allow it.”  From WeAreMovieGeeks:

This morning we posted the ‘Jennifer’s Body’ review sent in to us from a reader so we now know that there is NO NUDE scene in the film. Well I jumped back into my inbox and I received an email from an “insider” stating this:
“If they want to see Megan Fox naked, just wait til Jonah Hex.”
Although I can not reveal the identity of this “insider” I can tell you that this person has been right about everything they have sent me in the past.

Megan Fox plays “Leila the gun-wielding prostitute” in Jonah Hex, and if I know a thing about gun-wielding prostitutes and I think I do, they’re rarely bashful.  As for whether it’d be a good career move, hard to say.  On one hand, there’s nothing worse than the trend in Hollywood where the hot actresses refuse to do nude scenes until they’re 40 and desperately clinging to their sex appeal.  Trust me, do it when you’re 25 and smoking hot, that way you can be remembered for when you were at your best, not as the desperate divorced cougar with the dangly labes.  No one wants that on their epitaph, just ask your mom.  On the other hand, no one’s more at risk of media oversaturation than Megan Fox, and I gotta think one of the few things keeping people from getting tired of her is the mystery of whether we’ll ever get to see her naked.  Er, I mean, whether we’ll ever get to see MEGAN FOX NAKED or PICTURES OF MEGAN FOX NUDE.  But hey, what do I know, I’m just a guy who likes to choke himself while he masturbates.

These are the latest pictures of Josh Brolin on the set of Jonah Hex, the film based on the comic about a guy who’s a lot like The Outlaw Josey Wales.

Brolin has taken a very hands on role with this picture. He was vocal in attacking it when screenwriters Neveldine and Taylor [Crank 2] were attached to direct, then he appeard to be instrumental in both the hiring of [Horton Hears a Who Co-Director] Jimmy Hayward and John Malkovich, cast as the villain Quentin Turnbull.

Amongst the changes from the Neveldine and Taylor screenplay I’m expecting are some curbing of the bawdy dialogue (”don’t forget to get your dick wet, soldier”)*; the requirement for Leila, Megan Fox’s character to appear naked; and several extreme stylistic conceits (a glob of spit hitting the ground in extreme slow-motion, “EXTREME CLOSEUP: 10,1000 frames per second, FILLING the SCREEN, detonating massively on a micro scale”). [/Film]

The pictures come courtesy of LaineyGossip, who uses them to accompany a very speculative story about whether Brolin’s been cheating on his wife.  I wouldn’t be surprised – he’s in everything lately!  (*fills out Leno writer application*)

*best advice my mom ever gave me