Holy crap, I can’t wait for The Expendables. Sylvester Stallone leads a super ripped, super old team of outlaw mercenaries (the Ben Gay Team, say) on a suicide mission. And this time, it’s personal, because they have to save some bitch they just met. Here’s RoboPanda’s earlier breakdown:
- Sylvester Stallone plays Barney “The Schizo” Ross, leader of The Expendables.
- Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (really?), the second in command.
- Mickey Rourke plays “Tool” (heh heh), an arms dealer and tattoo parlor owner/artist.
- Jet Li plays Bao Thao. [Clearly the grown-up version of the kid Clint Eastwood taught to be a man in Gran Torino]
- Dolph Ludgren plays a sniper named Gunnar Jensen. Hang on. Stallone named a sniper “Gunnar”? You sly devil you. *slide whistle*
- Terry Crews is the comedy relief of group and plays Jet Li’s best friend, Hale Caesar. Wait, “Hale Caesar”? Is he wearing a toga and banging boys?
- Steve Austin plays ”Dan Paine” (Pain? Okay, this is getting ridiculous.) and is Eric Roberts’s’s’s’s bodyguard.
- Randy Couture plays a demolitions expert named . . . wait for it . . . “Toll Road”. Okay, now he’s just f–king with us.
And of course, the trailer includes cameos from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis. Will there be a cheesy butt-rock soundtrack? Let me put it this way: yes. This movie is so manly it will grow hair on your chest then shave it off to look more ripped.