Holy crap, I can’t wait for The Expendables.  Sylvester Stallone leads a super ripped, super old team of outlaw mercenaries (the Ben Gay Team, say) on a suicide mission.  And this time, it’s personal, because they have to save some bitch they just met.  Here’s RoboPanda’s earlier breakdown:

• Sylvester Stallone plays Barney “The Schizo” Ross, leader of The Expendables.
• Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (really?), the second in command.
• Mickey Rourke plays “Tool” (heh heh), an arms dealer and tattoo parlor owner/artist.
• Jet Li plays Bao Thao. [Clearly the grown-up version of the kid Clint Eastwood taught to be a man in Gran Torino]
• Dolph Ludgren plays a sniper named Gunnar Jensen. Hang on.  Stallone named a sniper “Gunnar”?  You sly devil you. *slide whistle*
• Terry Crews is the comedy relief of group and plays Jet Li’s best friend, Hale Caesar.  Wait, “Hale Caesar”?  Is he wearing a toga and banging boys?
• Steve Austin plays ”Dan Paine” (Pain?  Okay, this is getting ridiculous.) and is Eric Roberts’s’s’s’s bodyguard.
• Randy Couture plays a demolitions expert named . . . wait for it . . . “Toll Road”.  Okay, now he’s just f–king with us.

And of course, the trailer includes cameos from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis.  Will there be a cheesy butt-rock soundtrack?  Let me put it this way: yes.  This movie is so manly it will grow hair on your chest then shave it off to look more ripped.

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The Expendables just released two new posters, the one on the left, which seems to be telling us that they’ve really “brought out the big guns” for this one, and the one on the right, which looks like Stallone will be the guest tattoo artist on the latest episode of Miami Ink. “You’re not getting this because of a midlife crisis, are you?  Because that’s no reason to get a tattoo.  Hold on for a second, I have to do five tons of HGH and make a movie with Dolph Lundgren.”

[via IGN, Collider]

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Are you still buying Stallone as an action here?

(video should be working now. if not, watch the version after the jump)

Oi, cunts, Da Stafe ‘eah.  Dis is da traila for moy new movie, Da Expendables, innit.  Oy’s playin a supportin’ role, but Da Stafe’s agent says dis is da film dat’s gonna show off Da Stafe’s “rainge as an actor”, donnit. To be honest, oy didn’t know what da cunt was on about. Turns out, it means dat in dis movie, oy’s ain’t takin moy fock’n shir’ off or droivin flash sazz wagons, an’ oy’s jus’ s’posta stand ’round loike a sad cunt whoilst da old geezah wiff da toight shir’ knobs aw da fit birds.  Oy reckon if a bird is choosin a plastic-lookin cunt loike dat when she could get propa knobbed by a fit bloke loike da Stafe, den dis film must be soyence fock’n fiction, innit. Roight.  So oy begged da geezah da let me roide a BMX boicycle or at least knob a few birds, but da cunt was just aw loike, “Ehhh err ugghhh eeeyyy ooohhh eehhh.”

Oi. ‘ow’s a cunt sposta understand a cunt if da cunt ain’ even speakin da queen’s, roight?    Da good news is dat dey give da Stafe ‘is own trailah, an’ fock’n seafood fock’n dinnahs ev’ry noight.  But wiffout sazz wagons or birds to knob or BMX boicycles, oi ‘ardly knew ‘oo oi was anymore.  Oy ‘ad ta do a few fousand pushups ‘an ‘eadbutt da cunt wiff da clipboard just ta feel loike moyself again, now didn’t oy.  Roight.  So go see da fock’n movie, because da Stafe ‘as propa suffered for it, now ‘asn’t oy.  An if oy don’ win da Oscah after da sacrifoices dat oy ‘as made, den we know dat dem cunts at da Oscahs is nuffin but worfless pikeys.

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Courtesy of Destroythismovie, here’s an early bootleg copy of Sly Stallone’s epic mid-life crisis movie, The Expendables.  It stars Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, The Stath, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Terry Crews, etc., and as we previously speculated, the trailer is filled with unintelligible grunting in a variety of accents.  This is supposed to be a throwback to an 80s action flick, but if that’s the case they’re gonna have to do better than one-liners like “Bring it, Happy Feet!”  Then Dolph Lundgren picks up Jet Li over his head (which, if movies have taught me anything, is how big white guys always fight little Asian guys) and shouts “Hello, Karma!”  Come on, neither of those would’ve even made it to the cutting-room floor on Commando or The Last Boy Scout.   Then some chick gets waterboarded — torn from the headlines! — and, hey!  Who invited Stone Cold Steve Austin?  What is this, Woodstock 99?  I heard they call him the six-million dollar man.  Not because he has the same name as the guy in the tv show, because that’s the most money a movie he was in has ever made.

   I named this helicopter ‘Chopper Rotorway’.

UGO posted a round-up of info on The Expendables, and I’ll break it down like a clown.  Any potential spoilers will be placed after the jump.

• The group is already established  at the start of the movie, so there won’t be a clichéd recruitment scene.
• Sylvester Stallone plays Barney “The Schizo” Ross, leader of The Expendables.
• Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (really?), the second in command.
• Mickey Rourke plays “Tool” (heh heh), an arms dealer and tattoo parlor owner/artist.
• Jet Li plays Bao Thao. (That name’s not even English!  Absurd.)
• Dolph Ludgren plays a sniper named Gunnar Jensen. Hang on.  Stallone named a sniper “Gunnar”?  You sly devil you. *slide whistle*
• Terry Crews is the comedy relief of group and plays Jet Li’s best friend, Hale Caesar.  Wait, “Hale Caesar”?  Is he wearing a toga and banging boys?
• Steve Austin plays ”Dan Paine” (Pain?  Okay, this is getting ridiculous.) and is Eric Roberts’s's’s's bodyguard.
• Randy Couture plays a demolitions expert named . . . wait for it . . . “Toll Road”.  Okay, now he’s just f–king with us.
• David Zayas (I hope he’s a doctor) plays the evil dictator General Garza.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis have cameo roles.

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