After the jump, James Nguyen tells you how to enter the Birdemic Demand It Contest.  Me, I just love this screencap.

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• Today’s Uproxx feature brought to you by fat guys with expensive knives. |Uproxx|
• The math of predicting divorces. (Worth a click solely for the cat-related banner pic). |GammaSquad|
• This one-year-old girl can snowboard. I dunno, I still prefer ladies who “ski”, gnome sayin? (*taps nostril, hip thrusts*). |WithLeather|
• Here are two pilots, one from Will Arnett and the creator of Arrested Development, the other from Paul Reiser.  Guess which one is NBC.  Side note — Worse show, Mad About You or Caroline in the City? |WarmingGlow|
• Smoking Section: Reflection Eternal. |SmokingSection|
• The Tarantula Hawk is a giant wasp that eats tarantulas. You know what they say, the enemy of my enemy is OH MY GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE. |Urlesque|
• New Miss USA knows her way around a stripper pole. |Guyism|
• My ex-classmate James Franco returning toe General Hospital.  |TVSquad|
• 300 producers planning Julius Caesar trilogy.  I’d settle for another season of Rome. |InsideMovies|
• Bret Michaels wore his bandanna throughout his hospital stay. “If I’m going out, I want to go out rockin’”.  |Fark|
• The five most popular celebrities you’ve never heard of. |Pajiba|
• Michael Jai White was on the Adam Carolla podcast and it was awesome. |AdamCarolla|
• 10 awesome covered comics. |ComicsAlliance|

As promised, Jesus (maybe?) and Hitler.

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OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!  (*chugs Monster energy drink, crushes can on forehead*)

The latest character to go 3D? Jesus Christ.
Grizzly Adams Prods. is doing a 3D remaster of “The Fabric of Life,” a docudrama that examines physical evidence of Jesus’ resurrection. European theatrical release of the film is timed to coincide with the first public viewing in more than a decade of the Shroud of Turin, believed by millions of Christians to be the burial cloth of Jesus. The shroud’s bloodstained surface is emblazoned with a negative image of the undistorted front and back sides of a man who appears to have been severely beaten and crucified.

Using laser technology, a team of Dutch scientists was able to convert two-dimensional photographic negatives of the image on the shroud into an anatomically accurate hologram of the crucified man. The image will be able to be viewed in 3D in the new version of “Fabric,” which is targeted for release in April.

Oh my God, Bro, did you see Jesus’ dong??  It was like an inch from my face!  If only Jesus had been crucified in 2009, he wouldn’t have even needed to rise from the dead.  Because we have 3D LASER TECHNOLOGY.  In the words of my new favorite catchphrase, “Jesus is not dead, are you gay?”

Joe Eszterhas (Basic Instinct, Showgirls, Flashdance, Sliver) was probably the most well-known screenwriter of the 80s and 90s, and in 2004 wrote one of the great Hollywood tell-alls, Hollywood Animal.  It might all be bullsh*t, but even if it is is worth it for stories like the crew peeing in the hot tub before a scene in Basic Instinct because they hated Sharon Stone so much.  Eszterhas hasn’t gotten a screenplay made into a release in more than 10 years, but he’s set to try again with a story about the Virgen de Guadalupe.

Eszterhas will write the screenplay about the virgin of Guadalupe, a vision that appeared to the Aztec peasant Juan Diego in 1531. While some scholars question Diego’s existence, the event is credited with helping to spread Catholicism at a time of economic and social turmoil in the country [and spawning countless generations of Mexican girls named Lupe -Ed.]. Earlier this decade, Diego was canonized as a saint by the Roman Catholic church.

Problem is, in 2001 Eszterhas was diagnosed with throat cancer, quit smoking and drinking, and found Jesus.  Then he went on a crusade to stop depictions of smoking in films.  Yeah, thanks, A-hole, we’ll all watch Michael Madsen play a hard-livin’ hitman who chews bubble gum because you were too stupid to do things in moderation.

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This picture of Jesus Christ riding Falcor the Luckdragon comes courtesy of FilmDrunkard RoboPanda.  I’m not sure where he found it or who made it.  And no, Jesus is not wearing a sombrero.  That’s clearly a jalo.  Er, halo.

UPDATE: Says reader Kyle, “Its a piece called “Happy Flight” by Joseph Griffith – http://peachstapler.cgsociety.org/gallery/409203/

“I’m not gay!  Jesus says nipples are a sin!“

Kirk Cameron’s Fireproof banked heavily on the insane bible thumper demographic and was an enormous success ($500,000 budget, $34 million gross – suck on that, Hollywood Jews).  It recently hit DVD, and someone on the internets was kind enough to put together a compilation of all the best scenes (watch it after the jump).  At first it looks like Kirk Cameron’s gonna beat his wife, but it turns out he just kills his computer with a baseball bat because it got him addicted to porn.  But the creepiest stuff isn’t even the Jesus parts, it’s watching them rip off secular movies like Super Troopers.  They even have a wise cracking black guy!  I suppose the message is, it’s all fun and games until you’re burning in hell.

Also: Kirk Cameron is 38 and looks 12.  I want whatever anti-aging potion he’s taking.  What’s that you say?  It involves abstaining from porn and alcohol?  Hmm.  I’m gonna try bathing in the blood of virgins first, see if that works.

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