Many of you probably didn’t realize that Tyler Perry, in addition to being a cross-dressing multi-hyphenate gazillionaire, also keeps a mailing list for his fans and sends out periodic newsletters. It’s like Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop newsletter, if $100 cake knives were INSPIRATION. I discovered his newsletter today, promptly subscribed, and was treated to this landing page:

Oh no, Mr. Perry, thank you.

In any case, I was alerted to the existence of Perry’s newsletter by his latest mass-send, which begins as a mundane true story about the search for groundwater on his property, but soon evolves into a redemptive tale of trust in a higher power. My God, what this man can do with the simplest of tools, he’s a magician!

Perry begins by explaining that a few years back, he was having incredibly high water bills, so he hired a guy to come out to his property to dig a well. The guy dug three holes without hitting water. Perry paid him, and sent him home, but after a few more high bills, called the guy back out again.

He said, “Are you sure?” I said, “Yes, keep drilling until you hit water.” The next well he dug he was down 500 feet and still didn’t hit any water. He asked if I wanted him to stop. I said, “Go deeper.” He dug down another 200 feet and still nothing. I said, “Go deeper.” He drilled another 200 feet and he hit rock. I said, “Blast it, cut it, do whatever you have to do but keep digging.” After fighting the rock and breaking his drill and getting a new one we got a little deeper. He said, “We are at 1,200 feet, why do you want me to keep going?” I said, “Cause I’m tired of these water bills and I’m going to do something about it.” He said, “But this is really deep.” I asked him if he had hit water yet. He said “no,” so I told him to go deeper. “But you don’t understand,” he said. “We don’t usually drill this deep, this is going to be expensive.” I told him that, “Sometimes you have to go deeper to get what you are after, no matter what the cost.”

BOOM. You know, maybe I’m reading too much into this, but I’m starting to believe that this story might be about more than just water.

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Kirk Cameron is worried about where this country’s headed. Not only is our president a part-negroid socialist who burns bibles to keep pagan babies warm, hardly anyone came to Kirk’s birthday party (except Belinda- GO OUTSIDE BELINDA! Sandwiches aren’t for sinners! I heard you humming that Dixie Chicks song!). That’s why Kirk is on a journey through history to find out what made America great once. Specifically, he tours the alternate history version of the 80s as envisioned by Ronald Reagan fan-fiction, and the part of the Founding Father story that doesn’t mention that almost none of them were Christians. This journey is chronicled in Kirk’s new documentary, Monumental, the trailer for which you can watch below.

But who am I kidding? The real draw is Kirk Cameron and his incredible reaction shots. No one wordlessly conveys humility before Christ like Kirk Cameron. He should become the Andy Serkis of Christian movies, where WETA uses Kirk Cameron covered in performance-capture censors to imbue each performer with the spirit of Jesus. It’s just too bad those black tights are a sin. Not to mention pre-marital mo-cap.

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Of course Jesus loves the First-Place Mullet kid, aka young Pauly Dangerously. [via]

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It’s hard to deny that before Passion of the Christ, Jim Caviezel seemed like a star on the rise (Count of Monte Cristo is a guilty pleasure of mine).  Or that these days, he seems a bit like an afterthought (Outlander, anyone?).  The question is, is his fall from prominence the result of Hollywood being run by Godless Jews, or is it just that Christians are always trying to blame everything on Jesus?

Since playing the son of God in the 2004 film he said offers had dried up and he is shunned by many within the industry. Prior to playing Jesus he was considered one of Hollywood rising stars and appeared in ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’ and ‘Angel Eyes’ with Jennifer Lopez.

Ah yes, who could forget that classic, Angel Eyes with Jennifer Lopez? I have my fingers crossed for the Criterion Collection.  Any day now, I can feel it.

Caviezel, a devout Roman Catholic, said he knew playing Jesus would be risky.  ‘Jesus is as controversial now as he has ever been,’ Caviezel said. ‘Not much has changed in 2,000 years.’

Caviezel said he was warned against taking the part by Gibson who warned him he would never work in Hollywood again. ‘He said, “You’ll never work in this town again.” I told him, “We all have to embrace our crosses”.’ Caviezel told an audience of churchgoers in Orlando, Florida.

Gibson later told him, “Put your shirt back on.  You look like an Israelite in heat, and I hope you get raped by a pack of Romans.”

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Do you know what today is? That’s right, today is the 54th birthday of National Treasure star and National Treasure Bruce Greenwood.  Calling Bruce Greenwood an “actor” is like calling Jesus Christ a guy with a beard, and though we celebrate the anniversary of his birth, his physical age is largely irrelevant as he is immortal.  On this date each year, it’s customary for us to bathe in the sacred waters of Quebec’s Lake Osisko near the place where Bruce Greenwood first appeared on Earth, in order to absolve ourselves of any physical imperfections.  Then we stand at the water’s edge, clearing our throats heavenward and giving each other the firm, friendly pats on the backside of the Greenwood brotherhood, and exchange framed headshots of our spiritual leader.

A day such as this is also the perfect time to re-read some passages from (now sadly defunct) first book of BruceGreenwood.com:

Did you know that Bruce Greenwood:

• is left handed?
• had the nickname “Greendog” while growing up?
• has a grandmother from Edinburgh and his great-grandfather was the Royal Astronomer for Scotland, who helped discover the almucantar?
• watched television rarely as a child since it was rationed and he saved up his half-hours to view Wide World of Sports on weekends?
• dislikes scarey films and – as a child – was even frightened by the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz?
• lost a front tooth in a tussle some years ago and cheerfully removed it for his part in The Sweet Hereafter?
• lived on his own after Switzerland exploring the European ski circuit?
• was supplementing his theatrical career with a job in a chemical factory when he unexpectedly got the part in his first movie, Bear Island?
• broke his leg during a dance routine in the touring company of Cruel Tears?
• invented an inflatable hat (with best friend Norman Foote) shaped like the Vancouver Stadium Dome for The Grey Cup of 1983?

Yes, Jesus may have walked on water and turned water into wine, but Bruce Greenwood invented the inflatable hat. Jesus’ dad created the Earth; Bruce Greenwood’s great-grandfather discovered almucantar. I doubt the similarities end there. Additionally, Bruce Greenwood’s bare chest cures depression.  Witness:

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