Coyotes ran off with Jessica Simpson’s Malti-Poo (this just in, I hate anyone who owns a dog breed with “poo” in the title) on Monday, but she should have it back any day now, because as Us Magazine reports, professional pet detectives are on the case.

Findtoto.com’s Colleen Busch tells Us, “We’re kind of an amber alert for missing pets. We took the address of where Daisy went missing and we used that as a bulls-eye. We called 1,000 neighbors in the surrounding area and sent out a 30-second message with details about Daisy and her disappearance, and details on how to get in touch with Jessica’s assistant.”

Gosh, I hope they find Daisy before the coyotes rape her and get her addicted to drugs and sell her to a prostitution ring!  That’s what coyotes do when they kidnap dogs!  Seriously, all I could think about the whole time I was reading this story was Ace Ventura on the phone with the coyotes, talking out of his ass, “If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you that I don’t have money.  What I do have is a *fart* icular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for coyotes like you…”

Blonde Ambition, starring Jessica Simpson and Luke Wilson, topped the Ukrainian box-office this weekend.  If you don’t remember Blonde Ambition, it’s probably because it was only released in 8 theaters in Texas, where it grossed an average of $48 per screen.

"The former Soviet nations have a sweet tooth for straight-up comedies. When these comedies have big name celebrities like Jessica Simpson’s [sic], that’s all that’s needed to sell the movie. Russian and Ukrainian audiences have an even bigger urge for escapism than Americans." -Box Office Mojo editor-in-chief Conor Bresnan

It’s also important to note that most of the audience thought Blonde Ambition was about Madonna, whose first single was just released in Ukraine.  The "Material Girl" commands a lurid fascination for Ukranians, many of whom grew up listening to Ukraine pop sensation Natasha, "The Barrel-Chested Plow Machine". 

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If you can actually get this clip from JoBlo to work, you can watch a montage of clips from Jessica Simpson’s Blonde Ambition, the rocketbullet to superstardom that grossed $48 per screen in its limited theater run.

It’s about as funny as watching Knüt the polar bear get beheaded by terrorists.

Reached for comment, Joe Simpson said, "Whatever, bro, look how hot Jess’ tits look.  Those babies are so swoll, Christ I wanna lick em.  I had half a rod the entire movie, and she’s my daughter.  Seriously, is everybody queer or something?" 

According to WWTDD:

Jessica Simpson’s last two movies have been complete and utter failures by any reasonable definition [Ed. Note: Make that three to include the above clip. Check that, make it five or six], but she does want to continue acting, and that can only mean one thing.  Full frontal nudity.  Nice.

"A source said: "Jessica is in the running for a role that, if she gets it, will put her right on the map in terms of acting.  The only hitch is that the script requires a number of quite graphic scenes including a full-frontal nude scene. Jessica is so desperate to land the role and get the industry’s respect that she’s ready to go against her better judgment, and her family, by agreeing to bare all.""

What they forgot to mention was that the project is actually being directed by Jessica Simpson’s dad, Joe Simpson.  But if I had my way it’d be directed by O.J. Simpson.

In Major Movie Star, Jessica Simpson plays a teen idol who loses everything and ends up homeless.  Then she decides to serve in the army, because that’s what homeless people do.

Like In the Army Now meets Legally Blonde, it’s a hilarious Skank-out-of-water flick about one vacuous retard’s journey from the top of the box office to the front line of the war on terror.  You know, something we can all relate to.  It features sassy chicks like Vivica Fox delivering super original one liners like, “I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.”

One soldier serving in Iraq was excited about the project, saying, “It’s about time someone told the truth about the army being all fun and games.  You go girl!”

Ha, “Major Movie Star”, huh?  Who does she report to, “General Admission?”  Ha ch-cha cha cha.

STEVE GUTENBERG IS BACK, BABY!