Valentine’s Day. Man. This trailer. I’m going to cover this in bullet-point form to keep me from using real ones:
Hey, Valentine’s Day, let’s never hang out.
The latest from the set of the A-Team movie is this fluff piece from Entertainment Tonight. Rampage Jackson is one of the funniest, most charismatic athletes I’ve ever seen, and is always riding that line between hilarious and completely insane. He’s basically the Tracy Morgan of MMA. I’d watch a reality show about him in a heartbeat. But can he act? This clip gives us a very small taste of it — once the host wearing the sensible v-neck gets through asking Brad Cooper about his diet regimen, anyway. All Rampage says is “Damn fools!” and “Shut up, Murdock!” but it appears he’ll more or less be doing a Mr. T impression. Anyway, gotta love Entertainment Tonight, the show for the neutered male. Gee, I wonder what would’ve happened if they’d sent a female reporter. I can just imagine how that would go down… (*scratches chin*) Slow zoom, DISSOLVE TO:
Courtesy of Buzzfeed and TheDailyMail, here’s a rundown of the cast of Joe Carnahan’s A-Team, and a side-by-side comparison of the new and original actors. Above is of course Rampage Jackson as B.A. Baracus, originally played by Mr. T. And here I thought he’d cut his hair like that to support Kimbo. Also starring:
Brad Cooper as ‘Faceman’ Peck, originally played by Dirk Benedict. Ironically, ‘Dirk Benedict’ is actually a way better name for a character in an action movie.
Liam Neeson as Hannibal, originally played by George Peppard.
The Valentine’s Day trailer starts with that new Black Eyed Peas song and quickly transitions to a scene in which Anne Hathaway’s character refers to the crazy sex she just had with TOPHER GRACE. “Last night was amazing. Did I hurt you? I used to be a gymnast.” Wow. You guys are really trying to make me vomit, aren’t you? How dare you degrade my girlfriend like that. Did you know Topher Grace used to be in an a capella group back in high school? The Pussies, I think they were called.
On September 17th, watch the famous peoples’ lives intersect in horribly saccharine, unrealistic ways! Oh hey look, another boy in elementary school who’s in love! They should take a picture of him holding a red rose bouquet, then make all of it black and white except for the roses, and then I’ll frame it and hang it on my wall when I get to community college. God I want to curb stomp this movie.
As you may have already seen, here’s that trailer for Powder Blue, in which Jessica Biel plays a stripper. I’ve tried to attach some relevant screenshots, but the footage I’m working with isn’t that great – this one or this one’s probably the best – but I definitely screen capped a little kid on a gurney by accident at one point, and that should tell you a lot about what my life is like.
It’s hard to tell exactly what the film’s about, but the dialogue-free trailer screams DRAMA! and GRITTY REALISM! in a way that’s never the least bit realistic (see: Crash). It co-stars Ray Liotta, Kris Kristofferson, and Forrest Whitaker, whom we see jumping off a building while dressed as Santa Claus. I can imagine why he’s depressed, he probably scared the shit out the kids with that eye. I kid, I kid. But seriously, is it weird that I imagine him turning back at the last moment and seeing Joaquin Phoenix with “BYE GOOD” written on his knuckles?
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