Whenever I post anything about the upcoming Total Recall remake, people react as if Hollywood kidnapped their dog and shaved it, and I admit I don’t totally disagree. Len Wiseman is directing (Underworld, Live Free or Die Hard), it’s going for a PG-13 rating, and — crap, you aren’t even listening anymore, are you. WAIT! Put down the torch and pitchfork, I have other news! They released an official synopsis, and it doesn’t seem to contradict earlier reports that the new version would be set entirely on Earth, with no Martian colonies or eye-bulging space atmospheres, or things of that nature. I know, I’m not doing much to loosen your torch grip, am I. QUAID! START THE OVERREACTOR!

“Total Recall” is an action thriller about reality and memory, inspired anew by the famous short story “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick. Welcome to Rekall, the company that can turn your dreams into real memories. For a factory worker named Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell), even though he’s got a beautiful wife (Kate Beckinsale) who he loves, the mind-trip sounds like the perfect vacation from his frustrating life – real memories of life as a super-spy might be just what he needs. But when the procedure goes horribly wrong, Quaid becomes a hunted man. Finding himself on the run from the police – controlled by Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston), the leader of the free world – Quaid teams up with a rebel fighter (Jessica Biel) to find the head of the underground resistance (Bill Nighy) and stop Cohaagen. The line between fantasy and reality gets blurred and the fate of his world hangs in the balance as Quaid discovers his true identity, his true love, and his true fate. [via geektyrant]

That’s an awesome cast, but there’s really nothing they can do to soften the blow of a space-free, PG-13 Total Recall where the three-boobed hooker has to wear pasties or something directed by a guy who’s never made a good movie. It’s like hearing they brought back Santa Claus, only now he just gives out boxes of raisins.

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New Year’s Eve is New Line/Warner Bros’ latest attempt to capitalize on the throw-10-trite-premises-at-the-wall-and-call-it-a-day formula of Valentine’s Day, which itself was basically Love Actually with more vignettes and famouser actors. Directed by the hollowed-out husk of Garry Marshall, it stars a who’s who of bland white jagoffs who make me want to kill myself, including Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Bon Jovi, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, that chick from Glee, and a billion other people including a cameo by Ryan Seacrest, in what appears to be an earnest attempt to create cinematic ipecac. A vom-com, say. My God, if I could kick a movie in the stomach… You can watch the just-released trailer below, if you dare. The horror, the horror…

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Remember when Valentine’s Day came out and the stars were goofing about doing a Laverne and Shirley movie with Jessica Biel and Jennifer Garner?  There’s no easy way to say this, but it sounds like it’s happening… with Jamie Foxx writing the script.

Valentine’s and L&S producer Garry Marshall, who was honored at the 18th Annual Night At Sardi’s Fundraiser for Alzheimer’s (his mother died of the disease), tells me the script is now being written by Valentine’s co-star Jamie Foxx. “Jamie and I are trying to do it,” Garry confirms. “He’s writing it. It’s a whole different modern day take on how they came up on the streets during difficult times. Laverne would be this very tough girl with a big ‘L’ tattooed on her arm. Jennifer Garner would play Laverne and Jessica Biel would play Shirley.” [TV Guide]

Get it?  It’d be funny because the wholesome whitey would have to pretend to be ghetto, a joke that’s never, ever been used in a Hollywood film or insurance convention comedy show before.  You might wonder if Jamie Foxx can write, and with an ego as big as his, the way he remembers it, he probably wrote all the dialog in all his films so far.  But according to IMDB, he’s written for In Living Color, the Jamie Foxx Show, and From G’s to Gents.  But I actually like this idea.  Someone recognizable writing this kind of script would actually have to cop to it later and get asked about it in interviews, unlike your usual, semi-anonymous writer of Valentine’s Day or Randi Mayem Singer who can just collect a paycheck and disappear back into society like pod people.  Don’t underestimate shame as a motivator.  It’s the only reason I wear clothes.

Aw crap, I forgot to make a “where the white women at” joke.

The A-Team movie just released a batch of new pictures from the movie, in case you’re one of those people who prefer their photos not projected in rapid sequence to create the illusion of motion.  I just wish we could decide once and for all whether keffiyah scarves are for hipster pussies or special forces guys so I can exercise my God-given right to punch hipsters without worrying about getting my trachea stomped.  As Nathan Hale famously said, “I regret that I have but two fists with which to punch hipsters in their stupid face.”

[via ComingSoon]

(This scene was so extreme Vin Diesel started skysurfing on it.)

I posted the crappy, bootleg version of the new A-Team trailer last week, but now the official version is up and you can see Rampage, Liam, Brad Cooper, and the District 9 guy in glorious regular resolution. It’s still a dopey concept based on a dopey show, but it appears they’ve done a great job updating the plot.  By which I mean OMG SKYDIVING ON A TANK, SO XXXTREEEME!!!  *Rockstar Energy Drink enema*

No one seems to know whether they won’t actually kill any of the bad guys like in the original.  One of them is wearing a gas mask in the trailer — tear gas and tranq guns instead of bullets, perhaps?   Maybe instead of killing bad guys, they just drug em up and date rape them.  Seems plausible.  I mean, they are driving around in a van.

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