For the past few years, I’ve been convinced that Gerard Butler, Clive Owen, and Anna Faris are all in a contest to see which super-likable actor can ruin their career by choosing horrible projects the fastest. Gerard Butler may have just taken a slight lead with Playing for Keeps (co-starring Jessica Biel, pictured below, for obvious reasons), which is currently tracking 0% fresh on

…flat, hacky, unfunny dreck… with an uncomfortably flagrant misogynistic streak. -Christy LeMire, AP

“Playing for Keeps” isn’t content just to be a generic romantic comedy. nstead, not only is it not funny and not particularly romantic, it treats women like idiots. the script, by Robbie Fox, is lazy; characters disappear for long stretches (who can blame them?), only to show up again when some ridiculous plot contrivance requires it. Simply put, it’s a mess. -AZ Central

…a sloppy, poorly focused comedy -ReelReviews

You don’t often find a romantic comedy that has no idea what it’s supposed to be doing. -NOWToronto

The story is surprisingly – almost painfully – hackneyed, with the fine cast giving consistently one-dimensional turns. It is perplexing as to how such an unambitious, paint-by-numbers work got made. Actually, it is not even a current paint-by-numbers effort, because most contemporary romances involving once-connected-now-separated couples are a bit more sophisticated and worldly. -Austin Chronicle

Butler’s latest putrefying corpse is “Playing for Keeps,” a movie that answers the question: Is it possible for a sex farce and a family drama to be one and the same movie?
The answer is no. Contrived and phony from beginning to end. -St. Paul Pioneer Press

At the end of this embarrassing movie, you feel that the director has not only wasted the talents of half a dozen good actors, but has also wasted vast amounts of money–and our own precious time. -Emmanuel Levy

…a mushy-headed vehicle for what are supposed to be a lot of high-voltage star turns. Nothing much makes sense, but look at all the celebrities. -Canada.com

Having given Greer a pity screw and let Zeta-Jones wrap those Entrapment legs around his neck, Muccino insists the audience take George at face value when he assures Stacie—while she’s at the final fitting for the dress she intends to wear while marrying Mr. Safe Choice, like, tomorrow—that she was always the only one for him. Playing for Keeps (which went into production under the title Playing the Field, and the disparity between the two says everything about the movie’s emotional dissonance you need to know) is knee deep in “don’t hate the player, hate the game” territory, no more so than when George nearly loses it all in the 11th hour because of the one woman he didn’t f*ck. -Slant

Yeah, but what about when he fights the giant spider in the third act? Yeesh, there’s just no pleasing some people.

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In honor of Magic Mike opening today, I’m leading off This Week in Posters and Stills with an old picture of Channing Tatum hard at work. Before he was the lead actor in some of the highest-grossing films of the year (with what’s sure to be the highest still to come), he had to work pretty hard just to earn a few singles, which is why I don’t begrudge him getting rich, now that the dollars just rain on him from the sky, like so many Tampa chicks’ panties. Click through to see the full picture.

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Whenever I post anything about the upcoming Total Recall remake, people react as if Hollywood kidnapped their dog and shaved it, and I admit I don’t totally disagree. Len Wiseman is directing (Underworld, Live Free or Die Hard), it’s QUAID! START THE OVERREACTOR!

“Total Recall” is an action thriller about reality and memory, inspired anew by the famous short story “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick. Welcome to Rekall, the company that can turn your dreams into real memories. For a factory worker named Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell), even though he’s got a beautiful wife (Kate Beckinsale) who he loves, the mind-trip sounds like the perfect vacation from his frustrating life – real memories of life as a super-spy might be just what he needs. But when the procedure goes horribly wrong, Quaid becomes a hunted man. Finding himself on the run from the police – controlled by Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston), the leader of the free world – Quaid teams up with a rebel fighter (Jessica Biel) to find the head of the underground resistance (Bill Nighy) and stop Cohaagen. The line between fantasy and reality gets blurred and the fate of his world hangs in the balance as Quaid discovers his true identity, his true love, and his true fate. [via geektyrant]

That’s an awesome cast, but there’s really nothing they can do to soften the blow of a space-free, PG-13 Total Recall where the three-boobed hooker has to wear pasties or something directed by a guy who’s never made a good movie. It’s like hearing they brought back Santa Claus, only now he just gives out boxes of raisins.

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New Year’s Eve is New Line/Warner Bros’ latest attempt to capitalize on the throw-10-trite-premises-at-the-wall-and-call-it-a-day formula of Valentine’s Day, which itself was basically Love Actually with more vignettes and famouser actors. Directed by the hollowed-out husk of Garry Marshall, it stars a who’s who of bland white jagoffs who make me want to kill myself, including Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Bon Jovi, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, that chick from Glee, and a billion other people including a cameo by Ryan Seacrest, in what appears to be an earnest attempt to create cinematic ipecac. A vom-com, say. My God, if I could kick a movie in the stomach… You can watch the just-released trailer below, if you dare. The horror, the horror…

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Remember when Valentine’s Day came out and the stars were goofing about doing a Laverne and Shirley movie with Jessica Biel and Jennifer Garner?  There’s no easy way to say this, but it sounds like it’s happening… with Jamie Foxx writing the script.

Valentine’s and L&S producer Garry Marshall, who was honored at the 18th Annual Night At Sardi’s Fundraiser for Alzheimer’s (his mother died of the disease), tells me the script is now being written by Valentine’s co-star Jamie Foxx. “Jamie and I are trying to do it,” Garry confirms. “He’s writing it. It’s a whole different modern day take on how they came up on the streets during difficult times. Laverne would be this very tough girl with a big ‘L’ tattooed on her arm. Jennifer Garner would play Laverne and Jessica Biel would play Shirley.” [TV Guide]

Get it?  It’d be funny because the wholesome whitey would have to pretend to be ghetto, a joke that’s never, ever been used in a Hollywood film or insurance convention comedy show before.  You might wonder if Jamie Foxx can write, and with an ego as big as his, the way he remembers it, he probably wrote all the dialog in all his films so far.  But according to IMDB, he’s written for In Living Color, the Jamie Foxx Show, and From G’s to Gents.  But I actually like this idea.  Someone recognizable writing this kind of script would actually have to cop to it later and get asked about it in interviews, unlike your usual, semi-anonymous writer of Valentine’s Day or Randi Mayem Singer who can just collect a paycheck and disappear back into society like pod people.  Don’t underestimate shame as a motivator.  It’s the only reason I wear clothes.

Aw crap, I forgot to make a “where the white women at” joke.