Danny Trejo has a Cinco de Mayo message for Arizona — ju yust f*cked with the wrong Mexican, ése. So says the new trailer for Robert Rodriguez’ Machete.  Of course, Machete began as a trailer in Grindhouse, and at first I just thought I was watching that. And then, BOOM!  Robert DeNiro.   Then the whole crazy cast started to show up, Lindsay Lohan as a nun, Michelle Rodriguez as (surprise!) a hardcore Latina, Steven Segal as a fat guy with swords, Don Johnson (!), Cheech Marin, and Jessica Alba (UPDATE: And Jeff Fahey. GRR, NOBODY PUTS FAHEY IN A CORNER!).  I can’t help noticing that they cast a bunch of awesome male actors opposite some really sh*tty female ones.  Does Michelle Rodriguez have more than one facial expression?  She seems to play everything as “smug 15-year-old.”  She’s like the Latin Avril Lavigne.  Theoretically, seeing her in a bra should be hot, but it’s actually kind of scary, because you know at any moment she could flex her pecs and that thing will shoot off and put out someone’s eye. I hear she can crack walnuts with her Kegels. True story.

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Valentine’s Day.  Man.  This trailer.  I’m going to cover this in bullet-point form to keep me from using real ones:

• Voice over from Ashton Kutcher
• Black Eyed Peas song (We’re goin out!  Let’s live it up!  This movie sucks!  Mazel tov!)
• Horny old people
• Well-dressed little kid in love
• A guy named Taylor kissing a girl named Taylor
• McDreamy
• Jessica Alba blonde
• Anne Hathway kissing Topher Grace
• “A day in the life of love.”

Hey, Valentine’s Day, let’s never hang out.

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(It’s a turn on, because who hasn’t wanted to choke Kate Hudson?)

After the jump I’ve got the extended, American Film Market trailer for Michael Winterbottom’s A Killer Inside Me.  I’m a little torn on whether to advise you to watch it, since it seems to give away the entire movie, but holy crap is it also awesomely disturbing.  Some of the stuff that happens:

• Casey Affleck goes to Jessica Alba’s house, gets angry, pins her down and starts belting her butt.  Surprise!  She loves it, and bites the sheets. (!)
• Casey Affleck puts his cigar butt out on a dude’s hand. (Like a boss).
• Casey Affleck and Kate Hudson enjoy some kinky choke-play. (The best kind of choke-play).
• Two words: Aggressive fingering. (The only kind of fingering).
• Kate Hudson re-enacts the video for “Smell Yo D***“
• Casey Affleck beats the crap out of Jessica Alba. (Oh sure, they say they like the rough stuff until you learn to box).

Bottom line, this was all sort of disturbing and I didn’t know whether to jerk off or curl up like a baby and suck my thumb.  So I did both.

UPDATE: I realize the video I added originally didn’t work for some people, so I attached a new YouTube version.
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Usually Robert Rodriguez is pretty uncreative when he’s casting a movie. “Eh, I’ll just stick my slutty girlfriend in it,” he’s fond of saying.  But Variety recently reported on the actors in line for Machete, which began production this week, and it’s like all my most feverish coma fantasies come true!

• Danny Trejo
• Robert De Niro
• Jessica Alba
• Michelle Rodriguez
• Steven Seagal
• Lindsay Lohan
• Don Johnson
• Cheech Marin
• Jeff Fahey

I don’t know how they ever got insured — with Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez on the same set, they’ll have enough Latin machismo to power 1000 lowriders.   I also hear that craft services won’t be offering any food, just cigarettes and Eagles records.

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^{If only.}

As part of the “Declare Yourself” voter drive campaign, every celebrity ever is telling us to vote, and they’re doing it in creative ways.  Jessica Alba and Cristina Aguilera got all bondaged out for photographer David LaChappelle, while people like Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill and Sarah Silverman did a video (after the jump) full of naughty words that spends the first few minutes telling you not to vote.  But then Sarah Silverman says you can literally register while pooping, so I guess they actually do want you to vote.  But if you were planning on not voting and then changed your mind because Usher showed up and said it was important, please, don’t vote.  In fact, kill yourself.  And should you choose to ignore my advice, please be aware that one of the candidates is not “MC Cain”.

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