If I’ve learned anything in all of these years on this crazy spinning rock, it’s that the Internet is a place of many, many, many, many (a million times more) different tastes, and rather than try to understand them all, I should just accept most of them. That’s why when I fell into a Deviant ART wormhole the other day and ended up browsing through something called “morphs” before taking a strange turn into Fat Hollywood, I just said, “F*ck it” and rolled with it. Pun sort of intended.

I don’t really know how to describe this strange exercise in photoshop other than by pointing at the banner pic of an obese Megan Fox and saying, “That.” Basically, from what I can tell, there are a lot of people out there who appreciate the true beauty of some of Hollywood’s most famous and talented actresses, but they’d prefer them to have a little more meat on their bones.

To each his own is what I say, because life is short and we should enjoy whatever makes us happiest. At least that’s a new philosophy I’m trying to embrace these days. So I gathered some of the morphs and FAToshops (trademark pending) of my favorite gorgeous actresses so that we could all see their beauty from a new, well-rounded perspective.

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Director Robert Rodriguez tweeted the above photo this morning while announcing that he had cast none other than weird hair transplant victim Charlie Sheen as the president in his totally-necessary sequel, Machete Kills. Once again I get the feeling that whereas Quentin Tarantino wants to make us love the trashy B-movies he grew up on as much as he loves them, Robert Rodriguez kinda just wants to make trashy B-movies.

I just cast Charlie Sheen in #machetekills as the President of the United States! Who better? More soon… yfrog.com/h38lgnuj

“Machete Kills” is expected to see Trejo’s Machete being recruited by the U.S. government to battle his way across Mexico to take down an arms dealer who is looking to launch a weapon into space. Returning are Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez and, of course, Danny Trejo. [ThePlaylist]

Charlie Sheen would also join previously-announced castmembers Sofia Vergara and Mel Gibson. I don’t have confirmation on this yet, but I believe the full title is “Machete Kills Things That Would’ve Been Funny Six Months Ago.”

That said, I’d give anything to hear Danny Trejo call him “Charlie Cheen” a few times.

These women are all pregnant now.

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Ben Stiller and Robert Deniro’s embarrassing paycheck movie, Little Fockers opens this weekend. I took one look at the trailer and saw that filmmakers thought the fact that “Focker” kind of sounds like “F*cker” was a strong enough joke that they re-used it five times in two minutes and figured it’d be okay for me to sit this one out.  Many of my film critic colleagues, however, aren’t content with simply assuming that hitting one’s penis with a framing hammer will be painful, and had to find out the boner way. I mean hard.  But thanks to those heroes, we can now play the Plot Recreated with Reviews game.

You know how this works: we recreate the plot using only expository quotes — NO ANALYSIS! — from the poor sad bastards who had to sit through it.

ACT I

Nothing much has changed in the household of Gaylord Focker except that everyone is a few years older. [StarTribune]

Jack, who now suffers from serious heart palpitations, is obsessed with finding a successor to his “throne.”  [WashingtonPost]

“Are you ready to be the GodFocker?” he demands. [StarTribune]

Jack decides Greg is having an affair with pharmaceutical rep Andi Garcia… [FilmSchoolRejects]

…[with whom] Greg is working closely peddle Sustengo, an erectile dysfunction pill… [WashingtonPost]

… and who we’re supposed to believe becomes instantly smitten with Stiller after helping him give an anal probe to an elderly patient. [JoBlo]

She shows up at male nurse Focker’s hospital, inexplicably signs him up to give speeches on her erectile-dysfunction drug, then strips down to her undies and jumps him. [NYPost]

Bernie Focker (Dustin Hoffman), struck with a bout of “manopause,” has fled to Spain to study flamenco dancing, while Dina Byrnes (Blythe Danner) is experimenting with kinky role play in hopes of spicing up her and Jack’s sex life. Greg has to impress the headmaster of a snooty private school (Laura Dern) where he wants his children to go. [WashingtonPost]

Owen Wilson hangs around again as the golden best friend to flirt with Greg’s wife again (accidentally, he got a giant back tattoo of her). [NYPost]

Not too long ago, Jessica Alba made headlines for reportedly telling an Elle writer: “Good actors… never use the script unless it’s amazing writing. [...] All the good actors I’ve worked with, they all say whatever they want to say.”  Considering she’d been in both The Love Guru and a Dane Cook vehicle, she might be forgiven for misdirecting bitterness at her agent towards screenwriters in general.  Nonetheless, she recently went on record to explain her comments, claiming it was actually the reporter who went off script.

While promoting Little Fockers, Alba seized the opportunity to clear the air about this issue. When asked about her comments, she began by firmly stating, “That wasn’t true.” She went on to say, “Just so it’s clear, films don’t even get made and nothing ever gets a green light unless there’s great material,” and added, “that’s always a #1 thing before you can get a director, actors or a studio even interested in anything.”

“‘Nothing gets made without great material,’ she said while promoting LITTLE FOCKERS.” Hell, I’d let her ad-lib.  That’s great stuff.

From there, Alba pointed a finger at Elle. “There was an article written recently where I was completely and totally paraphrased and things were taken out of context and mushed together,” Alba explained. “It was a four-hour interview that got condensed into a page and a half for a fashion magazine.” She went on to cite her own difficulty adlibbing to exemplify the importance of good writing. “When I was doing my first job where I was talking to dolphins in The New Adventures of Flipper when I was 13 – it was a fake dolphin, we had a great relationship [laughs] – when he would go off script, the dolphin, I didn’t know how to,” she joked. “He would squeak and I couldn’t squeak back. It took me like 15 years to learn to do that – and lots of therapy.” All joking aside, Alba wrapped things up by explaining, “Basically I was saying that I didn’t have the courage and didn’t really understand how to bring my own thing to the table and I would never veer away from the script, ever, no matter what. Even when actors would go off book, I didn’t know what to say.” [CinemaBlend]

Oh sure, blame the dolphin.  Anyway, I find this whole thing is a lot funnier if you imagine Jessica Alba crying in her therapist’s office while he holds up a dolphin hand puppet and says “Eee eee eee eee!  …Squeak back at me, Jessica.  Eee eee eeee!  …C’mon! Squeak back at me!”

"Whoa, is that the guy from American Gothic?"

In what I’m guessing will be the last time I post a strongly-worded open letter to Jessica Alba, screenwriter John August (Big Fish, Go, The Nines) has written a response to Jessica Alba’s

I have to believe she was misquoted, or excerpted in some unflattering way, because Jessica Alba couldn’t have actually said this:

“Good actors, never use the script unless it’s amazing writing. All the good actors I’ve worked with, they all say whatever they want to say.”

Oh, Jessica. Where to start?

Scripts aren’t just the dialogue. Screenplays reflect the entire movie in written form, including those moments when you don’t speak. Do you know the real reason we hold table readings in pre-production? So the actors will read the entire script at least once.

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