I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that the following story miiiight not be true.  But seeing as how it involves a short film, it is my duty to cover it.  Hey, don’t kill the messenger.

A report has just broken out about a rumored sex tape between Academy Award-winner Sandra Bullock and motorcycle mogul Jesse James. Here’s a graphic report of what can be seen in that video, according to Showbiz Spy:

The alleged tape reportedly includes James smearing feces on Bullock’s upper lip during various types of anal sex, lots of profanity hurled from both parties, and a leather clad James, sporting a Hitler mustache with brown hat with a swastika, ramming a handcuffed Bullock’s bottom with a shotgun in his left hand. [DailyInquirer]

Hey, wasn’t this one of the deleted scenes from The Proposal?  Oh, and for future reference, if you stick a finger in a girl’s butt and then wipe it on her upper lip to give her a poopy Hitler ‘stache, it’s called a “Dirty Steinwiess.”  If you do it while singing show tunes, it’s a “Dirty Sondheim.”

UPDATE:  I didn’t feel like I needed any facts to assume this wasn’t true (I actually thought it was an April Fool’s post), but if you want them, my older brother site WWTDD does a pretty thorough job.

Jacktion! found this pic.  Anyone know if it’s real?  But you know what they say, if you need a body part removed, there’s no better person to do it than a tattoo artist.  They have to go through a three-hour certification process with the city.

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• Uproxx feature: How to talk about your hobby without looking like a serial killer.  But what if my hobby is serial killing? |Uproxx|
• Coming soon — play a video game inside your own contact lense. |GammaSquad|
• Snooki killed a kid. |WarmingGlow|
• Michael Clarke Duncan tried to skip out on a bill and got called out on TV for it. |WithLeather|
• Jerry Glanville traded Brett Farve because he was a drunk. Farve was, that is. |KSK|
• This old lady is horny. |TheChive|
• The origins of eight common phrases. |Guyism|
• Funny Help Wanted signs. |Urlesque|
• Sarah Silverman pees on a mailbox. |InsideTV|
• Brandon Vera vs. Jon Jones preview. |BleacherReport|
• Oh hey look, Jesse James’ bitch is a white supremacist.  Shocking.  It’s like I barely even knew you, 909 trash.  Heil Slitler. |TMZ|
• Hot Tub Time Machine has a red-band clip. |ScreenJunkies|
• March Madness douchebag tournament, round two. |HolyTaco|
• Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook because we deserve more fans than these other a-holes.  Oh yeah, I went there. |FDonFacebook|

In The Blind Side, Sandra Bullock plays a wealthy southerner who adopts a poor black child and, with the help of folksy wisdom, teaches him to play football. The moral of the story is, if you can raise a child better than your neighbor, you should steal that child and raise it so that it might reward you with NFL money.  Unfortunately for porn star Janine Lindemulder, it seems Sandra Bullock may have taken the lesson to heart.  And if you didn’t want to read this whole dumb paragraph, the gist was PORN STAR JANINE LINDEMULDER.

Bullock is trying to prove that she is a better parent for her husband’s five year-old daughter, Sunny, than the girl’s mother, 40-year-old Janine Lindemulder, who has just served six months in prison for tax evasion. Lindemulder is currently in a halfway house and can apply for custody of her child at the beginning of next year but Bullock’s husband, US television star Jesse James, has already taken action to keep the child with them.

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The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, starring Brad Pitt and Casey Affleck, finally has a trailer online.  I've always said that Brad Pitt would make a convincing cowboy, because he has big cracked lips.  They tickle my neck sometimes, it makes me giggle and I have to pull away.

What with the long title, and the fact that Casey Affleck clearly states his name to be Robert Ford in the trailer, it would seem to lead logical folks to conclude that Pitt gets killed by Affleck.  So there's gotta be something more going here, like giant spiders, or tentacle porn, maybe.

And wait, doesn't half this trailer involve Casey Affleck comparing himself to Brad Pitt?  What's next, Frank Stallone and Tom Brady in The Parent Trap?