Jew Zombie Killers Can’t Hump: A Zombieland Review

Zombieland is a road movie about two of the last survivors of the zombie plague, who don’t really have anywhere to go.  They’re instead driven by their desires: Woody Harrelson’s “Tallahassee” a desire to find the last Twinkies on Earth, and Jesse Eisenberg’s “Columbus” to finally kiss a girl.  It’s a sort of funny premise for a sort of funny movie.  A movie that turns out to be a lot like the Twinkie — tasty enough, but provides little nutritional value, and after you’re done you feel kind of dirty.  It’s pleasant going down*, but you get the sense that the whole thing was ultra processed, created using proven science formulas to manipulate the consumer’s senses in a specific way.  Crap, this is a really good analogy, someone call USA Today.

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This is the newest trailer for Zombieland (if you’re keeping score at home, this is international version — I posted the R-rated version a few weeks ago).  It stars Jesse Eisenberg as a shy, cerebral neurotic who teams up with Woody Harrelson, an impulsive, slovenly redneck, to kill zombies.  Their relationship kind of reminds me of me and my old roommate. He’d always be on my ass about not cleaning my dishes, and I’d always be punching him in the stomach for being Jewish.  Also, we fought zombies.  Anyway, I’m trying not to waste too much breath on this movie because it looks like a ball of cliches mooshed together and deep fried in unoriginality and then dipped in Woody Harrelson.  “Dude!  It’ll be funny because they’ll kill zombies!  Dude!  It’ll be cool ’cause he’ll wear sunglasses.  And then he’ll get hit in the head with a golf ball!”  No.  Just, no.

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Below you can watch the red-band trailer for Zombieland — from director Ruben Fleischer starring Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg — a film I just can’t bring myself to care about.  I mean, sure, it looks pretty, as you can see from the screencap above, it’s just that once you strip away the bigger budget, isn’t it just Shaun of the Dead starring two guys with less comedic chops?  Now, I know what you’re thinking – “But dood, it’s a zombie stripper, ZOMGLOL!”  True.  But even that kind of reminds me of something else.  Namely, Zombie Strippers.  Bottom line, it doesn’t look horrible, it just looks like something I’ve seen before.  Kinda like your tits, mom, now leave me alone I’m trying to eat breakfast.

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Zombieland is a film with a concept so boring I can barely bring myself to write about it.  It stars Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg as Columbus and Tallahassee (get it? their names are cities!), two guys who kill zombies.  The zombies chase them and want to eat their brains, but they kill them in funny ways, and somehow this goes on for two hours.

Columbus is a big wuss — but when you’re afraid of being eaten by zombies, fear can keep you alive. Tallahassee is an AK-toting, zombie-slaying’ bad ass whose single determination is to get the last Twinkie on earth. As they join forces with Wichita [Emma Stone] and Little Rock [Abigail Breslin], who have also found unique ways to survive the zombie mayhem, they will have to determine which is worse: relying on each other or succumbing to the zombies. [IMDB]

Well it’s a good thing they didn’t rely on cheap gimmicks.  This movie feels like it was written by Judah Friedlander‘s hat.

[Also available in HD at Apple]

I wish Hollywood could combine all these zombie projects into one film, it’d make not giving a sh-t about them so much easier.  Anyway, the first pictures are up from Zombieland, a zombie buddy-comedy starring Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg.  How’s this different from Shaun of the Dead or Jay and Seth vs. the Apocalypse you ask? Um… Woody Harrelson?

Elsewhere, Watchmen screenwriter David Hayter has signed on to write Deadworld based on (of course) a comic book.

“Deadworld” veers from the popular zombie mythology of depicting an apocalypse in which humans are overrun by flesh-eating corpses. “Deadworld” picks up four months after that event, where the Dead overtake the Earth, with humans few and far between. Protag is King Zombie, a Harley-riding corpse who holds a grudge against the survivors who made him an outcast. [Variety]

Oh, Hollywood.  Take an old concept, add a motorcycle or some sunglasses and ta da, it’s new again. Oh jeez, he wears a leather jacket?  The kids are gonna go nuts for this.