The only Pirates sequel I'd watch

If you wondered why a universally-liked and generally-respected actor like Johnny Depp would waste so much of his time and credibility wearing eyeliner and dancing with skeletons, the answer is pretty obvious: CASH MONEY, SON! (*swings through room on chandelier, steals dinner roll, farts out candles*) Citing an “individual with knowledge of his deals,” TheWrap reports that Depp has earned $350 million from the franchise, so now you know how he affords all those accessories. Disney officially disputes the number, and Forbes estimated his 2009 – 2010 earnings at $75 million, but here’s how the Wrap says they came by their number:

The insider told TheWrap that Depp is paid a percentage of the movie’s gross profits after what Hollywood refers to as “cash break.” Cash break is the point after which the studio breaks even on its production cost and marketing expenses.

The Pirates franchise has made $3.7 billion worldwide, but as we’ve learned, with Hollywood Accounting, breaking even is never a guarantee.  The difference between a cash-break deal for a big player like Depp and your average net-profit deal is that if/when the film does break even, Depp gets a share of the GROSS profit, rather than splitting up net profit.  Whatever he’s made, I think “a f*ckload” would be a safe estimate. Not coincidentally, TheWrap also reports that Depp is nearing a deal to return for the fifth installment (“5rates of the Caribbean”, I assume).

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This is an undoctored photo from the actual lab. Seriously.

This week’s non-movie-related story is a doozy: Japanese scientists have discovered a way to create edible steaks out of human feces.  Juicy, delicious, satisfying poop steaks, especially if the humans are grass fed.  I’m already thinking of a sci-fi script based around the process. Soylent Brown, I call it.

It’s being called the “poop burger”. Japanese scientists have found a way to create artificial meat from sewage containing human feces.
Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement. Tokyo Sewage approached the scientist because of an overabundance of sewage mud. They asked him to explore the possible uses of the sewage and Ikeda found that the mud contained a great deal of protein because of all the bacteria.

Whoa whoa whoa, buddy, we said find something to do with it, not make food out of it.  We thought you would just sculpt it into a life-like sex doll or something.

The researchers then extracted those proteins, combined them with a reaction enhancer and put it in an exploder which created the artificial steak. The “meat” is 63% proteins, 25% carbohydrates, 3% lipids and 9% minerals. The researchers color the poop meat red with food coloring and enhance the flavor with soy protein. Initial tests have people saying it even tastes like beef.
Inhabitat notes that “the meatpacking industry causes 18 percent of our greenhouse gas emissions, mostly due to the release of methane from animals.” Livestock also consume huge amounts of resources and space in efforts to feed ourselves as well as the controversy over cruelty to animals. Ikeda’s recycled poop burger would reduce waste and emissions, not to mention obliterating Dante’s circle for gluttons.

Just planning ahead here, I think you might need a catchier name than “Recycled Poop Burger.”  Oops, spoke too soon, looks like Jerry Bruckheimer already wants to buy the option.

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People still interested in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise because they love Johnny Depp to me are like smokers who’d rather pick butts out of a scummy gutter than wait for the 7/11 to open.  I’d been praying that people would get tired of this franchise since about 40 minutes into the first one, and it seems it’s finally happening, albeit incredibly slowly.  4irates of the Caribbean (as I like to call it) grossed an estimated $90 million over the weekend, which beat out Fast Five‘s $86.2 million for the biggest opening of 2011. But even with half its money coming from premium-priced 3D, 4irates was still the lowest-grossing sequel of the franchise.

Relative to its predecessors, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides sank: At World’s End drew $114.7 million on its first weekend in May 2007 (not including $13.2 million in Thursday night previews), while Dead Man’s Chest raked in a then-record $135.6 million opening weekend back in July 2006. Adjusted for ticket price inflation, those grosses would be the equivalent of $131 million and $163 million, respectively. On Stranger Tides’s start was also less than that of the last Johnny Depp spectacle Alice in Wonderland (2010), which began with $116.1 million. [BoxOfficeMojo]

Probably just missing out on that “Orlando Bloom Bump.” Full top ten after the jump.

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I’ve heard from a few different people who’ve seen early cuts of Pirates 4, and they’ve all said it’s bad — like insultingly bad, even compared to the last few — and I have no reason to doubt them based on the last clip we saw, which had all the fight choreography of a Nickelodeon sitcom about a talking horse.  But a little sucking never slowed this franchise down, and according to the Hollywood Reporter, Terry Rossio has already finished his script for the next installment (5IRATES OF THE 5ARIBBEAN? FIVERATES OF THE CARIFIVEAN?).  Frankly, the most surprising part of this story was learning that Pirates movies have scripts.

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer has said he’s in to make a fifth Pirates. And sources say Disney has made overtures to Rob Marshall, who took over directing duties on Pirates 4 from Gore Verbinski, who helmed the first three pictures, to return for another go-round (though no deal is in place for Marshall). But they key question mark is star Johnny Depp. Will he sign on for a fifth installment in the franchise?

“It boils down to story, script and filmmaker,” Depp tells THR. “It’s not something where I would say, ‘Let’s shoot it next month to get it out by Christmas 2012,’” he says. “We should hold off for a bit. They should be special, just like they are special to me.” [THR]

Yes, special, like McDonald’s french fries, or special sauce.  Aw man, now I’m hungry.  (*swings out window on a chandelier, juggles priceless vase, ruins fancy dinner party*)

Thanks to YahooMovies, we have the first clip from Pirates of the Caribbean 4, aka Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, aka Oh God This is Never Going to End is it, from new director Rob Marshall (of Chicago/Nine fame).  In the clip, Jack Sparrow effortlessly beats up the inept guards, runs across the table at a fancy dinner party, makes the fat man in the powdered wig frown, and swings away on a chandelier while grabbing a dinner roll and winking on the way out.  Hey, at least they didn’t go too campy with this one, right?  The only thing missing is a dog covering its eyes with its paws.  If they get through this entire movie without a bad guy falling face first in manure I will eat my tri-corner hat. CURSE YOU, JACK SPARROW, YOU LOVABLE INCORRIGIBLE ROGUE!