This is the first trailer for the Disney/Jerry Bruckheimer joint, Prince of Persia. An early version of it leaked online last night and some movie bloggers were having a big fight over whether it’s morally acceptable to post bootleg trailers before the official release from the studio. To which I say, hey, get over (y)ourselves. It’s a commercial for a movie, not the polio vaccine.
As for the movie in question, holy God what the hell is this? I see they’ve reimagined ancient Persia as a land of spray-tanned white people with English accents. Meanwhile, cameras swoop and spin through spatially ambiguous CGI landscapes while Gemma Arterton whispers expository dialog in your ear like she wants to do you. At least in the 2012 trailer you could kind of tell what was going on (i.e., CALIFORNIA IS GOING DOWN!). In this one, Jake Gyllenhaal is running from… uh… something… and he dives… sideways? Up? Down? I don’t even know. Oh, and he’ll be speaking in that British accent the entire movie. A movie about a magic dagger that… uh… controls time*. You’ve done it again, Bruckheimer, you amazingly talented genius, you.
[available in better quality over at IGN but I don't like their embeddable player]
*And that this is also the plot of the video game it’s based on doesn’t make it any less of a stupid idea. It makes it even more of a stupid idea.
(”Yarrr, whar be the buffet?”)
Disney is going full-speed ahead with Pirates of the Caribbean 4, now matter how much everyone agrees that the last one will be nearly impossible to outsuck. But not to fear, they have a plot in mind that should maintain their spotless reputation for sucking.
When D23 and Johnny Depp announced that the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean installment would follow up its colon with On Stranger Tides, it didn’t take the Internet long to point out that there was already a pirate story carrying that title. It seemed an unlikely coincidence since Tim Powers’ book also starred a pirate named Jack, and centered on a quest for the Fountain of Youth. Powers confirmed to Hero Complex that Disney did indeed option his 1987 novel three years ago, and that he’s been eagerly sitting on the news for all that time. As the author is quick to point out, his Jack “Shandy” Chandagnac and Jack Sparrow have little in common, and he’s unsure as to how Disney will adapt his book to the Pirates of the Caribbean mold. “I’ve watched all the movies several times, of course, and I think the clear thing they would use is the trip to the Fountain of Youth.” [Cinematical]
Think back to the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland: it had a bunch of big, hairy drunk dudes chasing whores and torturing a guy in a cage. It was kind of scary and awesome. But now modern Disney can finally complete their de-coolification of the pirate phenomenon by having the big hairy drunks drink from a fountain that turns them into Zac Efron. By the time I take my kids to Disneyland, the theme of the rides will just be two ponies spooning.
(Picture is unrelated)
This one doesn’t sound all that interesting at first, but read between the lines a little. The story is that Jerry Bruckheimer paid seven figures for the rights to a short story called “Shake.”
The origin of Jay Haas’ story was a new site called Popcornfiction.com that he recently created for TV and film writers to showcase their pulpy short fiction. Among the contributors are Craig Mazin (”Superhero Movie”), Scott Frank (”The Lookout”), Jeff Lowell (”Over Her Dead Body”) and Nichelle D. Tramble (”Women’s Murder Club”). [Thank God, I'd been searching for new stuff from the Over Her Dead Body guy -Ed.]
Bruckheimer apparently visited the site, loved Haas’ story of an FBI agent chasing a killer while he begins to lose control of his own body and bought the idea for a potential Disney film.
As Zack Morris would say, time the f’ck out: Did they really just report that Disney is making Parkinson’s Disease Cop? I’m trying desperately not to make a Michael J. Fox joke here, and it took every ounce of restraint not to use this as the banner pic (please forgive me, Jeebus, it’s your dad’s fault for making me this way…), but the honest truth is that there’s a hole in my heart where Michael J. Fox movies used to live. And if it takes a tasteless Jerry Bruckheimer movie to fill it… I guess I can live with that. The twist? The killer is the cure!
(Welcome to Earff! You’re under arrest.)
Good news, folks, Columbia pictures just put Bad Boys 3 into development. The only real question is whether Martin Lawrence is too big of a star since the grand slam of Big Momma’s House 2, Wild Hogs, College Road Trip, and Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins.
Columbia Pictures is developing a third installment of the high-octane “Bad Boys” franchise, tapping Peter Craig [Sally Field's son - really] to pen the screenplay.
The hope is to have a script that would reunite director Michael Bay, producer Jerry Bruckheimer and stars Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. At this point, with the project in the early stages, none has a deal to return. The “Boys” movies feature Smith and Lawrence as Miami detectives Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett, caught up in cases involving car chases and explosions. [THR]
“Captain? We’ve received word that some terrorists are planning to take over the esplanade. The case could get… explosive. And we’ll need someone with… car chase experience. But who? Ever since we started the Connecticut program, our only recruits are wannabe desk jockeys and snot-nosed pencil pushers.”
Funny People is the best thing Adam Sandler’s done in 10 years and it still made $11 million less than I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry in its opening weekend, which is why I don’t clean up dog poop and purposely piss on the seat in public restrooms. You deserve this, America. Regardless, its $23.4 million debut was good enough for number one on this year’s worst box office weekend overall.
But those sh*tty box office numbers are good news for anyone hoping to see some flaming turds get stomped, and get stomped they did. The $45 million budgeted (yet oddly direct-to-DVD-looking) Aliens in the Attic debuted at $7.8 million — suck it, Fox — while Jerry Bruckheimer’s $150 million G-Force (which had three fart jokes in the trailer) still has a long way to go with its total now at $66.5 mil. Fingers crossed that continues to go down faster than Brett Ratner on a plate of taquitos. Katherine Heigl’s epic snatch napkin The Ugly Truth also fell 53% in its second weekend, down to $13 million. Meanwhile Harry Potter performed respectably, and I managed to totally not care about it for the second week in a row.
