It’s always tricky casting a white actor to play a famous minority, so when Johnny Depp strapped a bird to his head to play Tonto in The Lone Ranger, those involved had to know they were going to take some heat for it (unless they’re complete idiots, and having seen Jerry Bruckheimer’s previous movies, the jury’s still out). I don’t think it’s always wrong for a white actor to play a non-white role, but if you’re an American Indian actor or an actor from another historically marginalized group, I can understand why you’d be pissed about one of the precious few roles specifically tailored to you going to a white dude. (Though for what it’s worth, Depp does describe his great grandmother as “quite a bit of a Native American.”). Meanwhile, Depp’s Lone Ranger co-star Armie Hammer, possibly the whitest man alive, says it wasn’t an issue at all, because the American Indians they talked to during filming (some of them paid consultants, presumably) all thought his kemosabe’s kabuki was hunky-dory. Hakuna matata and all that shit.

The actor turned up in Las Vegas with Depp last Wednesday to unveil 20 minutes of new footage from the film to movie theater owners at CinemaCon. Before being honored as the Male Star of Tomorrow at the conference a day later, Hammer defended his film’s depiction of Tonto, saying that the cast worked with many Native Americans on the project.
“They were nothing but excited about it. They loved it — they’re thrilled,” the actor said in an interview. “It’s so funny, because every Native American we talked to was like, ‘This is awesome! I’m so excited.’ And every white person we talked to was like, ‘How dare you cast a non-Native American?’ It’s like, the white people are the one who have the problem, but the Indians — the Native Americans — are like, ‘This is great. We love it.’” [LATimes]

Sure they did, but then again, the ones he talked to were probably hanging around craft services all day, and you know how those people get around the fire water (*pantomimes “glug-glug”*). What? What’d I say? I kid, I kid. On a serious note, Armie Hammer has to walk a delicate line defending the dubious decisions of people cutting him a huge paycheck, and as such it’s all but impossible for him not to say the occasional kinda dumb thing. I don’t have a problem with Johnny Depp playing an American Indian (not that it’s my place to…), but I do think it’s hilarious to watch them try to spin Johnny Depp starring in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie as some kind of tribute to the proud American Indian peoples. That’s basically like McDonalds calling their breakfast burritos a show of solidarity with the Latino community.

See also: Johnny Depp explains the origin of his bird hat.

Teen Wolf did it.

Good news for people who like Johnny Depp wearing silly costumes and smirking at the camera, there’s going to be a Pirates of the Caribbean 5! (*swings through room on chandelier, steals roll from fancy dinner party, juggles priceless vase, looks into the camera, armpit farts, jumps through window*)

Walt Disney Studios has announced that a fifth “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie is set for release on July 10, 2015.  Johnny Depp will return as Captain Jack Sparrow and Jeff Nathanson [Tower Heist, The Terminal] is working on the screenplay.  The Jerry Bruckheimer production currently is without a director, but one would assume Rob Marshall, who helmed the critically panned “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,” will not return.

Why wouldn’t he? They’ve got the guy from Tower Heist writing it.

The new “Pirates” movie is setting Disney up for a huge 2015. The studio has already revealed it plans to release the first of three new “Star Wars” films and “The Avengers 2″ during that same summer. [HitFix]

In all honesty, I thought they already made like seven of these. “Pirates of the Caribbean 6: The Search for Curly’s Gold.” “Pirates 8: Dog President.” And in case you were worried about Johnny Depp not stretching himself, he’s also signed up to play a wizard in “The Magical Hat of Mortimer Wintergreen.” Way to branch out there, buddy. I’m convinced he chooses roles based on number of accessories he’ll get to wear these days. “Ooh, Rastafari Snake Handler? Elizabethan Medallion Salesman? Where do I sign?”

You’re not in Connecticut anymore, kemosabro

The newest trailer for Jerry Bruckheimer’s $250 million-plus Lone Ranger movie is now online (embedded below), and while the first trailer focused almost solely on Johnny Depp’s bird-hat Tonto, the new one gives us much more of Lone Ranger Armie Hammer, the only actor WASPy enough to make Johnny Depp look ethnic by comparison. He wakes up on a giant platform atop a mountain in the desert, because Indians had lots of time for cinematic crap like that, and there he meets Tonto, who knows the Lone Ranger will be a great warrior because the Lone Ranger’s horse told him so. Two key points to remember in this one: Tonto can talk to horses, and Silver is a psychic horse. Tonto and LR decide to “ride for justice” and Armie puts on a mask, and Helena Bonham Carter shows up and she doesn’t even have her obnoxious rat’s nest hair for once, and then there’s some shooting and trailer music. But riddle me this, kemoslobber, why can’t Johnny Depp decide whether to use definite articles? Either say “the” or don’t, man, no one wants to see half a stereotype.

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You may have forgotten about it by now, but as of this time last year, producers Jerry Bruckheimer, David Ellison, and Paramount were pretty hot and heavy on the idea of a sequel to Top Gun, centered around drone pilots in Nevada (ROBOT MURDER PLANES!). What they couldn’t have predicted, however, was their director, Tony Scott, throwing himself off a bridge in August. Now, according to the NY Times, the sequel has “fallen apart.” But they do still have a 3D conversion of the original that they’d originally been working on as a way to promote the sequel, and while Top Gun 2 may have died with Tony Scott, Top Gun 3D is an unkillable monster that, once awakened, must feed on the money of the living.

Now that the sequel has fallen apart, Paramount and its partners are left with a 3-D film that might be perceived by moviegoers as a tribute to a director whose death remains a mystery to many friends and associates. It might also become a final box-office triumph — but only if the studio can reach the audience without seeming insensitive or exploitative.

Oh, you mean like those totally non-exploitative Michael Jackson or Whitney Houston movies? Since when has the movie business cared about being insensitive? Get the Jurassic Park people to build an animatronic Tony Scott chomping cigars in the theater lobby, people will love it. (Myself included, Robo-Scott sounds awesome).

“Titanic” in its 3-D format had about $342 million in ticket sales around the world, with a conversion cost of only about $18 million.
The response was driven partly by a powerful reception in China, where the film opened to $67 million in first-weekend business from a pool of 3-D capable screens that is still growing.
“Top Gun” — which had about $354 million in worldwide ticket sales, split evenly between domestic and international — seemed a natural candidate for conversion, especially with the potential for a sequel.
Mr. Scott contributed and responded enthusiastically to the conversion in the weeks before his death, according to people who were briefed on the project.
People briefed on the studio’s deliberations said it was considering a release in February, perhaps beginning with a one-week exclusive showing on domestic Imax screens. [NYTimes]

The complicating factor here is that the biggest markets for 3D conversions are China and Russia, but whereas Titanic was a story about timeless love on a sinking oceanliner, Top Gun is a homo-erotic brodown about shooting down Commies. So I guess the question is, do you change the Russians to North Koreans a la Red Dawn, or to aliens a la Battleship? Only time will tell.

You see, this is why I always get angry when people say the reason they think Reagan was so awesome was because he ended the Cold War. What was so great about ending the Cold War? The Cold War was the best thing that ever happened to us. Back then the bad guys had planes.

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"I came here to kick ass and make bird hats, and I'm all out of birds."

Word up, kemosuaves. Everyone’s favorite WASP Armie Hammer (the perfect choice for making Johnny Depp seem ethnic) was on Leno last night where he premiered the first trailer for The Lone Ranger, the over-budget, $250-million-plus train western from Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer. This is the part of every Jerry Bruckheimer marketing campaign (again, I point out that Bruckheimer hasn’t made a good movie since his partner Don Simpson died) where he tricks me with his flashy visuals and period garb into almost wanting to see his movie. DAMN YOU, BRUCKHEIMER! YOU KNOW GUNS AND TOP HATS ARE MY WEAKNESS! But I know I’ll show up hoping for a straight period piece like Boardwalk Empire and I’ll get Kangaroo Jack with different costumes like always. Remember Kangaroo Jack? It’s about a CGI kangaroo that raps.

Johnny Depp’s Tonto has the potential to be incredibly racist, like an American Indian Al Jolson in crowface, but sadly, I’m not seeing it just yet. Just as a side note, “Tonto” means dummy or fool in Spanish, which sort of makes me wish for a version of the Lone Ranger where his sidekick was a little Mexican kid with Down’s Syndrome. We could get Crispin Glover to direct. Discuss.

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