The red-band trailer for The Goods begins with Jeremy Piven saying “I have hair on my balls and I sell cars. The end.”  I put the over/under on the number of critics using that line as an insult in their reviews at 15.  The jokes still seem pretty easy, the dialog improvised on the spot, and the concept something Will Ferrell and Adam McKay mailed in years ago, but I admit it got a couple chuckles out of me – especially Craig Robinson as a strip-club DJ.

“Couple guys came in here looking for Vanessa, and I got a little bad news for ya, Vanessa is dead.  Here’s Motley Crüe.”

Anyway, I’m sure it won’t change your life, but if you’ve ever read this site you already know I’ve got nothing against the easy jokes.  Plus if you’re anything like me, your life’s already AWESOME.  (*shotguns Tecate, scratches balls*)

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After the jump I’ve got a new R-rated clip from The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard – the Don Ready Story, the Will Ferrell/Adam McKay-produced comedy that feels like a rejected idea from the Anchorman/Talladega Nights brainstorming sessions (which it probably was).  It stars Jeremy Piven as a God among used car salesmen alongside Ken Jeong, Ving Rhames, David Koechner, Ed Helms and a ton of other comic actors in bit roles.  If The Hangover was the exception to the studio rule that you can’t make big money on an R-rated comedy with no proven box-office stars, The Goods will prove it.  It’s not terribly unfunny, it just feels… stale.  And I’m eating Bugle Snacks right now so I think I know a little something about stale.

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It’s nice to see Jeremy Piven taking time out of his busy schedule of being the only competent actor on Entourage.  Here he stars in The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard, an Anchorman-esque comedy directed by Chappelle Show co-writer Neil Brennan.  He plays a used-car salesman, a role he’s been preparing for by dressing like one for years.  It also stars David Koechner, Ving Rhames, the Asian guy from Knocked Up, and James Brolin, who only a couple years ago was more famous than his son Josh.  Hopefully this will be his triumphant comeback film. But admittedly, the bar’s set pretty high when you’ve played Raven Kelly on Pensacola: Wings of Gold.

(Green band trailer above, R-Rated red-band trailer below)

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Jeremy Piven recently announced his abrupt departure from David Mamet’s play Speed the Plow after missing two shows, citing an illness brought on by “high mercury count.”  (Too much sushi?)

The show’s producers weren’t returning calls, but Daily Variety reached out to David Mamet, who wrote the showbiz satire and seemed skeptical of the reasons for Piven’s departure.

“I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury,” Mamet said. “So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.” [Variety]

In a strange and coincidental turn, Piven’s illness was also diagnosed by High Mercury Count (homeopath, Krishna) who pulled up to Piven’s house in a ’92 Cougar, ignited a ring of sandalwood-scented sparklers around him in a circle, and shouted “Alla-Kazooey!” while balancing on one foot and flicking his ponytail.  He warned Piven about mercury in addition to dangerously misaligned chakras.