If I’ve learned anything in all of these years on this crazy spinning rock, it’s that the Internet is a place of many, many, many, many (a million times more) different tastes, and rather than try to understand them all, I should just accept most of them. That’s why when I fell into a Deviant ART wormhole the other day and ended up browsing through something called “morphs” before taking a strange turn into Fat Hollywood, I just said, “F*ck it” and rolled with it. Pun sort of intended.

I don’t really know how to describe this strange exercise in photoshop other than by pointing at the banner pic of an obese Megan Fox and saying, “That.” Basically, from what I can tell, there are a lot of people out there who appreciate the true beauty of some of Hollywood’s most famous and talented actresses, but they’d prefer them to have a little more meat on their bones.

To each his own is what I say, because life is short and we should enjoy whatever makes us happiest. At least that’s a new philosophy I’m trying to embrace these days. So I gathered some of the morphs and FAToshops (trademark pending) of my favorite gorgeous actresses so that we could all see their beauty from a new, well-rounded perspective.

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The first 10 minutes of every J-Lo concert involves a pensive moment where she decides whether to sing as a python made of bedazzlement slowly curls its way around her neck.

Following in the footsteps of 3D concert pioneers The Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber, and Katy Perry, Jennifer Lopez is planning her own 3D concert movie. Obviously, it’s a pretty big step for that chick from that Fiat commercial. Does Flo from Progressive get one of these next?

Lopez’s manager, Benny Medina, told Extra TV on Saturday that the pop singer is currently filming for a 3D concert film, which will focus on “the last few years in Jennifer’s life as she faced big changes.”

Following in the footsteps of Justin Bieber (Never Say Never) and Katy Perry (Part of Me), the film has the potential to earn box office gold with a 3D look at JLo’s sold-out tours with Enrique Iglesias, her two-season stint judging American Idol and — of course — tumultuous divorce from Marc Anthony, life with her four-year-old twins, and her young relationship with Casper Smart. Bieber’s 2011 3D film has grossed $98 million worldwide; Perry’s 3D documentary, which was only released last month, has already grossed more than $30 million worldwide.

Medina told Extra that JLo’s film will be called Dance Again, the title of her upbeat track with Pitbull and her world tour. According to her manager, the title reflects Lopez’s ability to get back up and “dance again” after life throws her curve balls. [THR]

I hope they explain how she manages to carry on in the face of being fabulously rich and famous and getting paid millions of dollars for doing almost nothing. She’s so, SO brave. What’s her secret? I absolutely must know. I bet it’s both inspiring and life affirming. In all honesty, and I’m not trying to be cute here, when I read this story, my first thought was “wait, Jennifer Lopez plays concerts?” I mean, I suppose I understood theoretically that concerts are the way someone like Jennifer Lopez makes a lot of her money, but thinking directly about a person choosing to go to a Jennifer Lopez concert… whoa, face melter.  The idea that enough people to sell out an auditorium are willing to pay 60 bucks to see J-Lo lip synch to crappy dance pop between pant suit changes is more baffling to me than dubstep and pro wrestling put together. I’m probably not the target audience for this film, I guess is what I’m saying.

photo credit: s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

As if the old “intertwining vignettes of rom-com clichés played by famous chicks” storyline wasn’t already enough of a testicle forcefield, What to Expect When You’re Expecting has released character posters of all the principles, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks, Brooklyn Decker, and Anna Kendrick… and they’re all pregnant. Five pregnant chicks. Revolting. MORE LIKE WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTORATING, AMIRITE? Not even Brooklyn Decker’s coquettish, “Oops, someone f*cked a baby into me, tee hee!” face could make this palatable. On the plus side, I emailed this to Burnsy and now our periods are synchronized. This ad campaign is the perfect gender-reverse of those Dr. Pepper 10 commercials.

“What to Expect When You’re Expecting: It’s not for men.”

Women be shoppin, y’all. Women be shoppin’.

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Much like She Just Not That Into You, What to Expect When You’re Expecting is more an advice book without a particular narrative, so you kind of know what to expect from a movie adaptation: a bunch of half-assed rom-com tropes shot in vignettes so that the audience can enjoy the women-be-shoppin’ jokes they came for without anyone working too hard on story. Basically, another Love Actually clone with  Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez this time. But then Rob Huebel shows up with Thomas Lennon and Chris Rock to say, “I found my baby swimming in the toilet,” and it actually seemed funny for a few seconds. What to Expect When You’re Expecting starring Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez. Had a trailer that made me laugh. I’ll never forgive you for this, Huebel.

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When I first saw headlines about Jennifer Lopez and Carmen Sandiego, I honestly thought it was a joke. But apparently:

1. Walden Media is making a Carmen Sandiego movie.

2. That movie could star Jennifer Lopez. As Carmen Sandiego.

I’d heard that Walden Media will develop the property as a vehicle for Lopez to play the title character, but Walden Media said at this point, she’s attached to produce only. The hope is to turn the property into National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair. [Editor's Note: HOLY SH*T.] The logline: When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero? The property originated as an educational computer game before it was turned into an animated TV series. [Deadline]

Could she be a diamond thief? Because with J. Lo playing a globe-hopping diamond thief, I have to think it wouldn’t matter where she went or what rocks she got, she’d still be, still be Jenny from the Block.  (*dodges giant hook*) (*getting dragged away by producers*) WHAT DO YOU THINK, ROCKAPELLA?

ROCKAPELLA: (harmonizing) This sounds stuuuuupid.

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