A few weeks ago, you may remember Danger Guerrero bringing you the story about Hilary Swank (along with Jean-Claude Van Damme) getting paid a fee rumored to be in the six figures to attend a birthday party for autocratic Chechen president Ramzan Kadyrov (pictured, left), a dude who Human Rights Watch has said presides over a regime responsible for kidnappings, torture, and executions. At the party, Jean Claude was filmed on stage telling Kadyrov “I love you,” and Swank wished him a happy birthday. (No word on whether she worked in any references to her movies, but I think it’d be neat if she’d said “Birthday boys don’t cry, you look like a million dollars, baby!”).

The party also included performances by Seal and a famous British violinist, fireworks, acrobats, a floating stage on the river Sunzha in Grozny, and portraits of Kadyrov displayed throughout the city, leaving little doubt that this dude parties way harder than Kirk Cameron, who celebrated his birthday with extra mayo. Now, in the fallout from all the anti-murder-and-kidnapping shrivs blowing up her spot, Swank has offered to donate her appearance fee to charity and fired her manager.

The Independent on Sunday understands that Jason Weinberg, Swank’s friend and manager of eight years, was unceremoniously fired last week. Amie Yavor and Josh Lieberman, two of Swank’s representatives at Hollywood’s most powerful talent agency, CAA, and the people who made the Chechen booking, also face being moved off her team.

Can one be ceremoniously fired? That’d be something I’d like to see. I hope it would involve tearing a fancy seal off someone’s jacket in front of everyone. I’m also curious as to how many members there are of “Team Swank,” and what they do all day.

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The Roc is in the building.

Hilary Swank and Jean-Claude Van Damme have found themselves in some hot water after attending the 35th birthday party of Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov, who Human Rights Watch has said presides over a regime responsible for kidnappings, torture, and executions, among other human rights abuses. From The Hollywood Reporter:

According to the Human Rights Foundation, Jean-Claude Van Damme stood on stage and said, “I love you Mr. Kadyrov” while Swank said she was honored to be in Grozny and wished Kadyrov a “Happy Birthday.” After Swank spoke, British violinist Vanessa-Mae performed for a reported half a million dollars. There were fireworks and performances by acrobats. The celebration was held on a floating stage on the River Sunzha; portraits of Kadyrov were displayed throughout the city.

According to one talent rep, stars are paid in the six figures to attend such events. Their perks routinely include private jets and first-class hotel suites.

Okay, first and foremost, allow me to clear up a common misconception and state that I am FIRMLY against kidnapping and murdering innocent people. Like, all the way. Maybe that puts me outside your precious “mainstream,” but I don’t care. It’s just a stand a have to take.

Second of all, what the butt, you guys. After a significant amount of thought, I’ve narrowed the most important non-murdery parts of the story to these five issues:

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As part of their 30-year quest to convince the world that “cold” is a flavor, Coors Light hired famous action star/self-aware joke Jean-Claude Van Damme for their latest British commercial, which draws a parallel between drinking Coors Light and wearing frozen pants.  Sure, why not.

“Have you ever seen a man-penguin walk after an intense mating season? When a man’s pants freeze as rock solid as mine… Let me tell you, my friends, even that was nothing compared to the ice cold refreshment of Coors Light.”

Coors Light has been around since 1978.  That’s how long they’ve been swearing up and down that “Coors Light is cold.”  It’s cold-filtered, cold-brewed from the coldest of cold waters, then shipped cold in cans that tell you when they’re cold, the CEO sleeps in the cold, running the company with a managerial style best described as “cold”… we get it, Coors, your beer is f*cking cold.  33 years of assuring something you have no control over.  Imagine if Calvin Klein had spent the past three decades claiming their shirts had the nicest hangers.

"Eez cold."

[via Videogum]

If you were around here three years ago, you might remember a Russian, Zucker-Brothers-style historical spoof called Hitler Kaput, which, involved, among other things, a busty Eva Braun singing a Britney Spears song.  The Russian dramatic tradition is sort of the reverse of Elizabethan England in that way, in that all roles, both male and female, were traditionally portrayed by women with huge breasts, and men are only just now breaking into the business. I digress, but the makers of Hitler Kaput are back with Rzhevskiy vs. Napoleon, which Twitch is calling “Napoleon Kaput”, which is a lot easier to type. But would not a record scratch by any other name still sound as… uh… zany?  THIS MOVIE IS CRAMMED WITH THEM! Some of the other things the trailer for this incredible-looking film features:

• RECORD SCRATCH TO ZOOM SHOT at 0:11.  That’s comedy’s version of double pits to chesty.
• Giant-breasted woman in a top hat whipping a wooden horse
• Another giant-breasted woman rhythmically bouncing on something while Napoleon stares (0:18)
• Close-up of comically-round, stuffed butt of man dressed as woman
• MAN SHAVED AGAINST HIS WILL! (0:23)
• RECORD SCRATCH NUMBER 2! (0:25)
• RECORDS SCRATCH NUMBER 3! (0:39)
• Mouse beheaded by tiny guillotine (0:50)
• Van Damme finally shows up, fittingly accompanied by explosion. (1:01)
• RECORD SCRATCH NUMBER 4! (1:09)

FOUR RECORD SCRATCHES, AH! AH! AH!  If this many record scratches in a single trailer (a new record?) tells us anything, it’s that after years of state-enforced austerity, Russians are finally ready to embrace excess. I applaud them. (*hangs fuzzy dice from plow*)

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Bruce Willis was recently at the Golden Globes (being introduced as “Ashton Kutcher’s dad”), and lots of people asked him about Expendables 2, because obviously, the most important thing about Bruce Willis’ career is whether he’ll be starring in the remake of the tongue-in-cheek homage to the earlier films of 60-year-old action stars which was a moderate success through novelty value.  Willis basically said, “Uh, sure, I guess,” which naturally led to excited headlines like “WILLIS CONFIRMED FOR EXPENDABLES 2!”  Here’s what he said:

“Apparently it’s going to happen this year,” he said. “As far as I know, barring any unforeseen circumstances, but yeah, I would love to be a part of it,” he said.

“Why sure, I’d be amenable to getting paid $5 million for a week’s worth of yelling and gunplay in Hawaii.”  What’s even funnier is picturing Willis trying to decide between Expendables 2 and Die Hard 5* (seriously).  Oh, Hollywood! (*slide whistle*)  Meanwhile, Van Damme is also making it known that he’d be willing to mail it in for lots of money too.  The news comes by way of Van Damme’s PR mouthpiece, who, it should be noted, was also the director of Double Impact (also true).

According to Sheldon Lettich, who seems to be JCVD’s unofficial PR rep (he’s the man who debunked the story of Van Damme’s heart attack late last year), Van Damme has a standing offer to join the group.
“JC seems to be leaning towards appearing in the sequel, as far as I know,” Lettich claims on the forums for the website The Van Damme Files, where he regularly speaks with fans. Van Damme rejected an offer to feature in the first film in lieu of seeking more challenging fare, but it looks like he might be sounding a retreat from that plan. [ThePlaylist]

All that’s left is for Stallone to shoehorn a situation into the script for which Van Damme will be indispensable.  “The opening to the hideout is only two feet high.  If only we had a 50-year-old Belgian man who could do the splits!”

But of course it wouldn’t be a Van Damme story without working in a dig on JCVD’s arch nemesis, Steven Seagal:

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