The Expendables 2 has a trailer out, and it’s great if all you were looking for was two-second shots of all the characters. REMEMBER WHO’S IN THIS!? DO YOU?! Although that skull logo that got stabbed in the eyes and grew a billion guns out of its head was pretty cool. Somewhere, Ed Hardy is furiously scribbling ideas onto a notepad. They’ve also released a synopsis, and not to worry, the characters still have ridiculous names.

The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal… Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Lee Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren),Toll Road (Randy Couture) and Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) — with newest members Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) and Maggie (Yu Nan) aboard — are reunited when Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) enlists the Expendables to take on a seemingly simple job. The task looks like an easy paycheck for Barney and his band of old-school mercenaries. But when things go wrong and one of their own is viciously killed, the Expendables are compelled to seek revenge in hostile territory where the odds are stacked against them. Hell-bent on payback, the crew cuts a swath of destruction through opposing forces, wreaking havoc and shutting down an unexpected threat in the nick of time — six pounds of weapons-grade plutonium; enough to change the balance of power in the world. But that’s nothing compared to the justice they serve against the villainous adversary who savagely murdered their brother. That is done the Expendables way…. [Collider]

Would you say that the odds are… JACKED against them??? (*Terry Crews flexes, punches through laptop screen and bangs your girlfriend*)

Starring! Statham! Crews! Couture! Lundgren! Van Damme! Schwarzenegger! Li! Norris! …And introducing …SYLVESTER STALLONE’S PEN!

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It’s a slow news day, so I thought that under the circumstances, this alternate poster for The Expendables 2 that “johnymyko” left in the comments section of my This Week in Posters post warranted recognition. Great job, dude. (It’s also kind of interesting to note that some nameless Asian chick made the poster while Liam Hemsworth and Randy Couture did not — as first noted by our friends at Fightlinker).

Oh, and he inspired me to make a few alternate posters of my own. (Yes, they all involve pepper spray).

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Continuing its tradition of being theoretically awesome but a chore to actually sit through, The Expendables franchise added two more aging action legends to the cast of its sequel back in September, and now the first pictures of Norris and JCVD have hit the web (via ComingSoon). Continuing the tradition of silly names, according to IMDB, Norris is playing “Booker,” while Van Damme will portray “Jean Vilain.”  Just going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing the latter is a bad guy. In either case, I’m sure their characters will be introduced only in the most organic, necessary-to-the-plot manner. (Sidenote: It must be awesome for Chuck Norris that he has all those Chuck Norris Facts to distract people from what a whack job he actually is.)

I also enjoy that they managed to get a Belgian in a black turtle neck and a Hollywood producer in tinted shades and a ridiculously unnecessary scarf. All that’s missing is an Italian guy in a speedo flipping pizza dough and a Mexican pulling a donkey. Come to think of it, Danny Trejo should really be in this. Playing “Juan Tofessobee” or something.
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A few weeks ago, you may remember Danger Guerrero bringing you the story about Hilary Swank (along with Jean-Claude Van Damme) getting paid a fee rumored to be in the six figures to attend a birthday party for autocratic Chechen president Ramzan Kadyrov (pictured, left), a dude who Human Rights Watch has said presides over a regime responsible for kidnappings, torture, and executions. At the party, Jean Claude was filmed on stage telling Kadyrov “I love you,” and Swank wished him a happy birthday. (No word on whether she worked in any references to her movies, but I think it’d be neat if she’d said “Birthday boys don’t cry, you look like a million dollars, baby!”).

The party also included performances by Seal and a famous British violinist, fireworks, acrobats, a floating stage on the river Sunzha in Grozny, and portraits of Kadyrov displayed throughout the city, leaving little doubt that this dude parties way harder than Kirk Cameron, who celebrated his birthday with extra mayo. Now, in the fallout from all the anti-murder-and-kidnapping shrivs blowing up her spot, Swank has offered to donate her appearance fee to charity and fired her manager.

The Independent on Sunday understands that Jason Weinberg, Swank’s friend and manager of eight years, was unceremoniously fired last week. Amie Yavor and Josh Lieberman, two of Swank’s representatives at Hollywood’s most powerful talent agency, CAA, and the people who made the Chechen booking, also face being moved off her team.

Can one be ceremoniously fired? That’d be something I’d like to see. I hope it would involve tearing a fancy seal off someone’s jacket in front of everyone. I’m also curious as to how many members there are of “Team Swank,” and what they do all day.

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The Roc is in the building.

Hilary Swank and Jean-Claude Van Damme have found themselves in some hot water after attending the 35th birthday party of Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov, who Human Rights Watch has said presides over a regime responsible for kidnappings, torture, and executions, among other human rights abuses. From The Hollywood Reporter:

According to the Human Rights Foundation, Jean-Claude Van Damme stood on stage and said, “I love you Mr. Kadyrov” while Swank said she was honored to be in Grozny and wished Kadyrov a “Happy Birthday.” After Swank spoke, British violinist Vanessa-Mae performed for a reported half a million dollars. There were fireworks and performances by acrobats. The celebration was held on a floating stage on the River Sunzha; portraits of Kadyrov were displayed throughout the city.

According to one talent rep, stars are paid in the six figures to attend such events. Their perks routinely include private jets and first-class hotel suites.

Okay, first and foremost, allow me to clear up a common misconception and state that I am FIRMLY against kidnapping and murdering innocent people. Like, all the way. Maybe that puts me outside your precious “mainstream,” but I don’t care. It’s just a stand a have to take.

Second of all, what the butt, you guys. After a significant amount of thought, I’ve narrowed the most important non-murdery parts of the story to these five issues:

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