WELL FEATHER MY MULLET. It seems fellow former shong sporters (shong = short in front, long in back) Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme may have joined the cast of The Expendables 2. I say “may” because this comes from a FirstShowing report announcing “JCVD and Chuck Norris Officially Confirmed to Join Expendables 2?” PRO TIP: If a headline has a question mark at the end, you can ignore any words like “official” and “confirmed” before it. In any case, while there’s been no press release or official announcement, Norris and Van Damme’s names did show up on the film’s official website at MillenniumFilms. Here’s the rundown:

The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal!

Wait, so last time, when they flew a seaplane to a tropical island and overthrew a strongman and his army with six dudes because Sylvester Stallone had a crush on his daughter, that wasn’t personal? Or maybe it was, and this is kind of like that Mitch Hedberg line. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.”

After Tool (Mickey Rourke), the heart and soul of the Expendables, is brutally murdered on a mission, his comrades swear to avenge him. They’re not the only ones who want blood. Tool’s beautiful young and wild daughter Fiona…

Young, beautiful, wild, and VOLUPTUOUS daughter, I hope. That would make their mission more personal, I feel.

Read the rest of this entry »

Even though JCVD turned an awesome concept into an annoying film school masturbation, it was worth it for bringing Van Damme back into the media spotlight.  Not even Steven Seagal does a better interview.

“You know, like, we’re gonna do Bloodsport 2,” he told us in a recent interview. “Which was my first movie. And I want to do it now in a very mature way, where the guy from Bloodsport is a complete bum, maybe abusing his son.”

[On encountering resistance from the studio] “They told me, ‘No, no, no!  You cannot make a movie in America where a father is abusing his son physically! It’s wrong.”

“And you cannot be a guy on drugs doing karate and shit like that.’ I said, ’Why? Why? Tell me why.’  It’s against the rules of success. But I believe the other rules of success. To show something real.” [TotalFilm]

Dear Studio Exec: Think about it, Bloodsport 2: Child Abuse and Drugs and Karate and Shit, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gary Busey.  The world is counting on you.

This video imagines what Jean-Claude Van Damme would be like as a kid. Cool video, but I bet the reality involved way more ballet classes. JCVD sucked, by the way.

[via /Film]

You watch the trailer for JCVD and you think, wow, it’s cool that Van Damme’s so self aware and has such a great sense of humor that he can make fun of himself like that.  But perhaps there’s another possibility.  What if he’s not acting at all?  What if he actually is that guy in the movie?  Take this exchange with a Newsweek reporter in Thailand for example:

There’s a monologue in the film about being a washed-up action star. Did you improvise that?
I like structure—like driving: go past the school on the street, stay on the right side, no hitting the car, go in right, you’ll see a big church, stop and take a left, and you’ll have it. By doing this I’m giving a structure of life, a path of light, and showing what happens between me and me, which is something very beautiful.

Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit [hehe -Ed.], cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.

OK  —
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.

Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.

So you’ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I’ve done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don’t regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?

Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?

I’m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?

I don’t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?

Uh —
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

“Uh”?  Who’s this reporter trying to kid?  You know she f-cked him.  It’s Van Damme.  Not even a nun could resist smooth lines like those.  I use that kinda shit all the time.  “So… Are you 25 or 43?”  “Um, I’m 12.”  “Ahh, that is very young.  Here, wear these shoulder pads.”

Update:  Here’s the reporter he was hitting on.  Thanks, Donkey Hodey.  via the Duke Chronicle.

MTV reports that although a Universal Soldier 3 movie is going forward and Van Damme is signed on, Dolph Lundgren will not be involved.

“I don’t know if they want to make it a video release or theatrical,” [Van Damme] said.
Actually there are a lot of question marks, like is he really starring in the film or is this a glorified cameo?
“I’m just going to do 10 days.”
Hmm, so what about Dolph Lundgren? He’s back, right?!?
“I told them, guys bring in Dolph! They said there’s no more value [to cast him]. I said, ‘it will have value with me!’”

No value?  Hello, he’s the only selling point.  We can’t accept Van Damme as the old Van Damme now that we know his meta-fictional personality.

So we’ve got a cast and crew in place. Now how about a story? Asked about the plot, Van Damme said “It has to do with something in the past.” [MTV]

Indeed it does, Jean-Claude, indeed it does.  (picture caption: “I will… motiwate you?”)