I like Jerry Bruckheimer movies, because they’re always exactly like some other movie that came out a few years before, but with more special effects and a protagonist who refuses to believe the premise. “Whoa!  What’s going on?! Why are all these special effects going on around me?!  I’m just a physics nerd/chemical superfreak/mild-mannered treasure hunter!”

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is Wanted meets Harry Potter (like, exactly) and it stars Nic Cage as the mentor, in a role he was born to play.  Meanwhile, Jay Baruchel is the protagonist, but instead of gradually learning to do magic the Harry Potter way, he hides under the table a lot and makes nasally glib comments like, “Well I guess that was a pretty big explosion.”

And, just to make my hatred complete, that useless c*ck bubble had to cast Alfred Molina as the bad guy.  Sick bastard.  That’s like buying a big, tasty California burrito and hiding it in a bucket of sh*t.

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Opening this weekend:

Green Zone
Despite this looking exactly like one of those boring-ass Bourne movies, it’s been getting pretty good reviews, and actually sounds kind of interesting.  I’d say that’s a good thing, but I guarantee if it does well, studio execs are just going to interpret its success as “See? Audiences love shakey cam, ROFLJO!”

She’s Out of My League
I’m not the best spokesperson for the feminist point of view because I think all women should stay in the kitchen baking me pies and rubbing oil on their tits, but seriously, if you’re a boring douche like Jay Baruchel, you get to date a boring, mediocre-looking chick.  In all honesty, I can’t think of a concept more tired than this one, and there are a lot of tired concepts out there.  As many as there are tired puppies, at least.

Remember Me
This looked like a lame (and hackneyed) glorification of rich, whiny NYU asswipes even before I heard about the Secret Dwarf Hooker ending (don’t click that unless you want a spoiler).  The only reason I’d consider seeing this is to sit in the back, and every time Emilie De Ravin came on screen, shout, “CHAAAHLIE MOY BAAAAIBY NOOOOOOOAAAAAARR!”

And yes, that’s 100% phonetically accurate.  Trust me, I know what an Australian girl shouting “No” sounds like.

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Courtesy of Yahoo, this is the third theatrical trailer for Dreamworks’ How to Train Your Dragon, from the guys who did Lilo & Stitch.  To be honest, I don’t have kids so I don’t really care about this stuff, and Jay Baruchel’s nasally mumble is like boogers in my ear (just talk regular, asshole — he always sounds like he’s afraid someone’s about to hit him).  But for what it’s worth, /Film writes:

Harry Knowles saw a very early cut of the film, in 3D, and said that the film is “every bit as emotional, thrilling and fun as KUNG FU PANDA.”

Haha, it’s funny because he’s a grown man.

ALSO: Who the hell thought it was a good idea to put the music from True Romance in there? I’m trying to watch a kids movie here and all I want to do is beat the hell out of Patricia Arquette.

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This is the new red-band clip from She’s Out of My League, starring everyone’s favorite leading man, Jay Baruchel.  In it, his character prematurely ejaculates in his pants and then tries to hide the jizz stain, which should be a nice little metaphor for the people involved in making this movie.  With the dog in the room, I had my fingers crossed for a dog sigh or the even better and more rare doggy facepaw, but instead the dog starts licking his jizz stain. Which… should make him happy, shouldn’t it?  Was he not two seconds ago looking for a way to explain a wet spot on his pants?  Anyway, totally unrealistic.  I know for a fact a dog would never go for that if it wasn’t mixed with peanut butter.

[via FilmSchoolRejects]

Here’s the new trailer for She’s Out of Your League.  It stars Jay Baruchel as, you guessed it, an average Joe.  Oh, Jay Baruchel.  If they held a being average contest, you’d finish right in the middle!  Then he’d drive his Toyota Camry home to his modestly-priced house in the suburbs where he and his 2.5 children would sit around watching Two and a Half Men.  That’s why he’s so funny, get it?  He’s just like everything you settled for after you stopped chasing your dream!  He’s socially awkward!  He has low self-esteem!  Hot girls make him jizz his pants like a loser!  Haha, don’t ever change, Jay Baruchel.  I love that boring piece of sh-t like he was my boring piece of sh-t brother.