What a second, all 555 numbers go to Hollywood.

We saw a sizzle reel a while back, and now we’ve got a full trailer for Goon**, the hockey enforcer movie starring Seann William Scott and Jay Baruchel (not to be confused with Hit Somebody, the Kevin Smith hockey enforcer movie that also had Scott attached to star at one point). The plot is that Seann William Scott goes to a local hockey game as a spectator and beats up the opposing team’s enforcer, and then gets recruited by the team himself, even though he can’t skate or shoot or deke or fiffle or any of the other things hockey players do. He’s actually a lot like Kenan Thompson’s character in The Mighty Ducks 2, only instead of a knuckle puck, he uses his actual knuckles to punch people. It’s a shame, society has gotten so violent since ’94. Yet another reason we need you now more than ever, Gordon Bombay.

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HAHAHA '69'

After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for Goon, the hockey enforcer movie starring Seann William Stifler. No, this isn’t the hockey enforcer movie Kevin Smith is directing (Hit Somebody), which might be confusing, because we’ve heard from people who’ve read Goon that they’re almost the same story, and because at one point, Seann William Scott was supposed to star in that too. It’s funny because I’ve never looked at Stifler and thought, “No one could play a hockey enforcer like this guy!”

Anyway, it’s kind of like Happy Madison for hockey:

Doug Glatt, (Seann William Scott) the black sheep of an illustrious medical family is working as a bouncer when he gets roped into going to a local hockey team’s game by his hockey fanatic pal, Pat (Jay Baruchel). When Pat incites the opposing team’s enforcer to climb out of the penalty box and into the audience after him, Doug steps in and to everyone’s surprise, especially the local team’s coach, quickly puts the player down.

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It was recently brought to my attention that Paramount’s VIP Fan Club auctions various items from hit movies on eBay. Among the items currently listed are Sienna Miller’s Gucci high heels from GI Joe, Alice Eve’s Marc Jacobs high heels from She’s Out of My League, and Michelle Williams’s dress and poncho from Shutter Island. But currently leading the bidding at $316.99 is the screen shirt and camo pants worn in GI Joe by none other than FilmDrunk favorite Channing Tatum. And with less than 4 days left to bid, my good friend C-Tates wanted to stop by and inspire the bidding process.

AWWWWWWWWWW YEAH!!! YA BOI C-TATES GOIN’ ONCE, GOIN’ TWICE, GOIN’… um… FREE TIMES, SON! Yo girl, check it – Now is yo chance, to buy C-Tate’s pants, just open them and enter, and you can save da rec center. Yo girl, that’s f*ckin’ poetry, son. Yeah, you knows you was all like, “Oh snap, dat C-Tates hella fine wit da kung fu grip on my pepperoni nip as Duke” and now you can buy da camo pants I was rockin’ in dat movie. Yo girl, you know I won dat Best Actor 4 GI Joe 4 realz, so deez pants is like legit flava gear, right?

But yo girl, we gots some serious heat comin’. My pants is like $316 right now, right? Dats like 6 months of Boost Mobile bills, yo. But dis cracka Jay Baruchel is all up in C-Tates’ grill like, “Yo C-Tates, you ain’t sh*t, son” and I’m like, “Yo beeyayeetch, ain’t no playa ever save a rec center in no hockey jersey, WHAT!” And he ain’t back down, for reals. His sh*t just chillin’ at $305, like it ain’t no thang. Mutha f*cka, ain’t no girl outta C-Tates league, too proper, too fine.

Yo girl, you need to call yo sister, and yo sister’s mama, and yo baby mama, and yo fine cousin wit dem coconut tittays and you needs to buy my mutha f*ckin gear, bitch. Else C-Tate ain’t throwin’ down no game. Like Diddy say, It’s all about the Benjamins, proper. Pray 4 Biggie, heard.
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Feast your eyes on the new trailer for The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Jerry Bruckheimer’s latest insult to the collective intelligence.  I don’t even know where to begin.  Is Jay Baruchel’s voice for real?  I guess he’s gotten so much work with that affected nasally drone that he’s already become a parody of himself.  He’s only 28.  In a few years, you won’t even be able to make out words, it’ll just be a long string of unintelligible nostril sounds, like latter-day Bob Dylan records.

NIC CAGE
You’ll never believe this, Billy! You’re not a simple janitor at all, you’re the modern-day descendant of Beezus Sparklefeather, the ancient tamer of unicorn ponies!

JAY BARUCHEL
REE-HEE REEEEEE NGHEEEE ERREEEEEEEE…

There’s so many unbelievably idiotic things going on in this trailer (poor Alfred Molina, I love you so, it hurts to see you like this). I couldn’t possibly mention them all.  But if there’s one microcosm of the film as a whole, it’s this: Not only is there a nutshot in the trailer, IT COMES FROM A CGI BALL OF PLASMA.

If you like this I f*cking hate you.

Really?  Tell me there aren’t really people out there who see this new Sorcerer’s Apprentice poster and go, “Hot damn, Nic Cage in a silly wig and a smoking dragon ring?  And it’s from the guy who directed National Treasure?  Cancel the noodlin’ trip, boys, we’re a-goin’ to the multiplex!”

You just know that ring is exactly the kind of thing Nic Cage would keep as a souvenir and wear around town too.  It’s just his style.  The snake on there really matches his snakes.

In the film, Balthazar Blake (Cage) is a master sorcerer in modern-day Manhattan trying to defend the city from his arch-nemesis, Maxim Horvath (Molina). Balthazar can’t do it alone, so he recruits Dave Stutler (Baruchel), a seemingly average guy who demonstrates hidden potential, as his reluctant protégé. The sorcerer gives his unwilling accomplice a crash course in the art and science of magic, and together, these unlikely partners work to stop the forces of darkness. [ComingSoon - higher res poster available there]

I expect a Jerry Bruckheimer movie to be sh*tty, but HOW F*CKING UNINSPIRED IS THAT?  It’s like they tied a screenwriter to a chair, shot him full of drugs, beat the sh*t out of him, and in between blows made him whimper out a treatment.

“What’s our movie, monkey?!”

*baseball bat to the shoulder*

“Auugggh!  Uh… Mentor comedy!  Mentor comedy!”

“Good.  That’s what I thought. Now, what does he teach him?!”

*shocks testicles with car battery*

“Owww!  Uh…. Magic!  It’s about magic!  They fight evil with magic, oh God make it stop, please!”