Here’s a guy rapping about Con Air.  It seemed like something you’d want to know exists. |via CinemaBlend|

Ben Affleck and George Clooney will wag your dog. Clooney is producing Argo, with Ben Affleck in negotiations to direct, based on a Wired article about how the CIA invented a fake sci-fi movie to rescue six diplomats taken hostage during the Iranian takeover of the American embassy in Tehran in 1979.  Wait, it’s not about Bawston?  Lame.  Did you get the hawstages, cawksuckah?  I’m puttin this whole embassy in my reahview. |THR|

Ralph Fiennes, Javier Bardem in Bond 23??? Earlier this week it was Bardem who’d been offered a role in Bond 23, and then late yesterday the news was that Ralph Fiennes had been offered one (a different part than Bardem, reportedly).   This is of course assuming that MGM has their sh*t together enough to actually make a movie, which seems anything but certain at this point.  I’ll tell you this, though, I will tongue kiss an old man’s balls before I ever pronounce Ralph Fiennes’ name “Rafe.”  Rafe?  Your name’s Ralph, dude.

Fonzi’s kid directed a movie:

Read the rest of this entry »

This is Javier Bardem in the new trailer for Alejandro Gonzalez Iñarritu’s Biutiful, in which he plays 190 pounds of swarthy Oscar bait and sweaty sex appeal.

Biutiful is a love story between a father and his children. This is the journey of Uxbal, a conflicted man who struggles to reconcile fatherhood, love, spirituality, crime, guilt and mortality amidst the dangerous underworld of modern Barcelona. His livelihood is earned out of bounds, his sacrifices for his children know no bounds. Like life itself, this is a circular tale that ends where it begins. [Apple]

Mmm, circular, like ouroboros dismissively wanking.  This will be Mexican filmmaker Iñarritu’s fourth film since 2000′s Amores Perros (Amores Perros, 21 Grams, Babel), and his first film since 1996 without screenwriter Guillermo Arriaga.  Amores Perros is one of my favorite movies, and 21 Grams was good, but it also seemed like it was on a mission to make the audience feel really sh*tty. Gaaah, feel bad, damn you!  Here’s some more depressing stuff!   That’s probably why I still haven’t seen Babel.  I hope Biutiful is more like Perros, but if you’re an aspiring filmmaker, the lesson here is, making rich people feel bad about themselves has a direct correlation with critical acclaim.

Read the rest of this entry »

Quick, wake up your little brother, because I’ve got the most awkward DVD cover to show him! No, your one good eye is not deceiving you, that is, in fact, Penélope Cruz and Friendo Bardem dry humping like 9th graders on the above cover to 1994′s Jámon, Jámon. Cruz is only about 20-years-old in this movie and somebody better cock punch me quickly, because every time I look at her The Penguin’s Earth Angel starts playing out of my penis. The cover even proudly boasts that this is the “Film Where Women Eat Men & Men Eat Ham”, which I have no idea what that means, but I’ll bet dollars-to-donuts in Spanish it sounds sultry as sh*t.

Jose Luis is an executive at his parents underwear factory where his girlfriend Sylvia works on the shop floor. When Sylvia falls pregnant, Jose Luis promises her that he will marry her, most likely against the wishes of his parents. Jose Luis’ mother is determined to break her son’s engagement to a girl from a lower-class family, and hires Raul, a potential underwear model and would-be bullfighter to seduce Sylvia. [IMDB]

Hmmm, reminds me of the time my mother didn’t want me to marry that Mormon girl. I kept insisting that the Church would keep me out of trouble, but noooooo she had to still go ahead and hire that hooker from the docks to take me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

So sit back, undo those acid washed jeans and prepare for the sizzling passion that is Spanish cinema…
Read the rest of this entry »

This is the international trailer for the Julia Roberts-starring Eat, Pray, Love, directed by Ryan Murphy (Running with Scissors), opening August 13th.  It’s based on the best-selling memoir by Liz Gilbert.  Here’s the rundown:

Liz Gilbert (Julia Roberts) had everything a modern woman is supposed to dream of having – a husband, a house, a successful career – yet like so many others, she found herself lost, confused, and searching for what she really wanted in life. Newly divorced and at a crossroads, Gilbert steps out of her comfort zone, risking everything to change her life, embarking on a journey around the world that becomes a quest for self-discovery. In her travels, she discovers the true pleasure of nourishment by eating in Italy; the power of prayer in India, and, finally and unexpectedly, the inner peace and balance of true love in Bali. Based upon the bestselling memoir by Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love proves that there really is more than one way to let yourself go and see the world.

So basically, she had a husband, sh*tcanned him, had an affair, still wasn’t happy, so she got a book advance and took off to travel the world. Then she ate a lot and it felt profound because she was surrounded by foreigners.  Oh my gosh, I can’t wait until this rich bitch finally finds what she’s looking for!  You go girl, get out of your comfort zone! (*smells own queefs*)

We’ve known for a while that Oliver Stone was doing a sequel to Wall Street (1987), but now Nikki Finke has details.

I’m told that screenwriter Allan Loeb (21, Things We Lost In The Fire) will hand in his second draft to Fox later this week. I heard Loeb’s first draft was “so great” that Stone didn’t feel the need to touch it.

That’s interesting, considering 21 was a cliché-ridden hunk of sh*t.

I’m told Wall Street 2‘s story spans from June 2008 through the federal bailout. “We wanted to see some perspective in the same way that the original dealt with insider trading,” a source explains to me. Michael Douglas reprises his Best Actor Oscar-winning role as Gordon Gekko. […] As the movie begins, it’s 21 years later and Mr. Greed Is Good has finished serving his prison sentence. He finds himself on the fringe of the financial community. (“Kinda like Jim Cramer or Mike Milken after their disgrace,” an insider tells me.) Gekko is cautioning Wall Street that the “end is coming” — but nobody is listening. So Gordon is obsessed with trying to repair his ruptured relationship with his daughter.

So, kinda like The Wrestler with hair gel instead of steroids.

Enter Shia LaBeouf [DON'T MIND IF I DO. -Ed.], who was reported in negotiations and I can now state is set to co-star. Shia is a young Wall Street trader who’s engaged to be married to Gekko’s estranged daughter. Shia wants to be a major player, but his mentor unexpectedly kills himself, and Shia thinks a stock-shorting worldwide hedge fund manager is responsible. Shia seeks revenge on this villain, to be played by No Country For Old Men Supporting Actor-winner Javier Bardem. So Shia goes to Gordon saying, “I need your help”, and makes a Faustian deal with Gekko who in return wants Shia’s help getting back with the daughter. From then on, it’s “antagonism” for everyone, my insider says.

Weird, Antagonism for Everyone is the title of my autobiography.  I also have it tattooed on my cock.  (*adjusts reading glasses*)