I didn’t put much stock in it when it was just The Sun reporting it, but now multiple sites are mentioning broad-faced Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whitley as Megan Fox’s replacement in Transformers 3.  Deadline says she’s the front runner in a short list of three that also includes The House Bunny‘s Sarah Wright and Brooklyn “The Boner Fairy” Decker.  Huntington-Whiteley also just so happens to be Jason Statham’s girlfriend. Him being a friend of the site, I reached out to The Stath to see if he’d care to comment on the situation.

Oi, conts. Da Stafe heah, innit.  Oy ‘as come heah ta tew you about ‘ow oy feel about moy girlfriend starrin in a fiwm wiv dis cont, Moichael Baiy.  Fing is, it seems loike it wis only a few daiys ago dat Da Stafe wis foinally learnin da name ov da bird Oy’ve been knobbin’.  An’ now it seems loike evry cont’s wew focken curious about ‘er, now is dey?  Seems moy dahlin’ bird, whatshername (don’ remoind me, Oy ‘as got ta leahn dis some toime), is wew keen on starrin’ in dis movie about robots dat punch each ovvas whoilst disgoised as sazz wagons.  Furvamore, dis rowdy bloody focken sazz wagon punchin’ movie ‘as a directah, dis cont Moichael Bay, oo’s meant ta be wew fockin notorious for actin’ cheeky wiv da birds, makin’ dem shoine ‘is sazz wagons, an’ yellin’ an’ aw’ dat.  An’ evry’one wants ta know what da Stafe finks about da cont, now don’ Oy?

Roight. So da first toime Da Stafe met dis Moichael Bay cont, da cont droives up in a flash shoiny sazz wagon.  Only win Da Stafe sees da cont, Da Stafe finks it’s bird, on account uv da cont ‘avin shoiny focken ‘air flowin’ in da focken’ summah breeze loike Da Stafe’s sistah or somefin, innit.  Only boy da grace a God did Da Stafe realoize it weren’t a bird before ‘e knobbed ‘er.  But once Oy knew it wiz a bloke, a funny fing ‘appened, now didn’t it.  Da cont earned Da Stafe’s respect.  Da cont’s sazz wagon wiz wew shoiny, an’ besoides, Da Stafe especially knows ‘ow difficult birds kin be, donnit.  Ow ways askin’ a fousand focken questions, “Oi, Stafe, is da footy game almost ova?” “Oi, Stafe, when is oy gonna get anovva knobbin’?  “Oi, Stafe, oy ‘as cut me’sewf on your chisewed features again.”   Oo needs it.  Da Stafe figures if dis cont wiv da shoiny focken bird ‘air can taike a bird off Da Stafe’s ‘ands in between knobbins, an’ maiybe even teach da bird ‘ow not to ask so many questions, an’ ‘ow to propa shoyne a focken sazz wagon, so much da bettah, innit. Da sazz wagons ain’ gonna shoine demsewves, now is dey.

Holy crap, I can’t wait for The Expendables.  Sylvester Stallone leads a super ripped, super old team of outlaw mercenaries (the Ben Gay Team, say) on a suicide mission.  And this time, it’s personal, because they have to save some bitch they just met.  Here’s RoboPanda’s earlier breakdown:

• Sylvester Stallone plays Barney “The Schizo” Ross, leader of The Expendables.
• Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (really?), the second in command.
• Mickey Rourke plays “Tool” (heh heh), an arms dealer and tattoo parlor owner/artist.
• Jet Li plays Bao Thao. [Clearly the grown-up version of the kid Clint Eastwood taught to be a man in Gran Torino]
• Dolph Ludgren plays a sniper named Gunnar Jensen. Hang on.  Stallone named a sniper “Gunnar”?  You sly devil you. *slide whistle*
• Terry Crews is the comedy relief of group and plays Jet Li’s best friend, Hale Caesar.  Wait, “Hale Caesar”?  Is he wearing a toga and banging boys?
• Steve Austin plays ”Dan Paine” (Pain?  Okay, this is getting ridiculous.) and is Eric Roberts’s’s’s’s bodyguard.
• Randy Couture plays a demolitions expert named . . . wait for it . . . “Toll Road”.  Okay, now he’s just f–king with us.

And of course, the trailer includes cameos from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis.  Will there be a cheesy butt-rock soundtrack?  Let me put it this way: yes.  This movie is so manly it will grow hair on your chest then shave it off to look more ripped.

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Oi, wakey wakey, ya cönts. It’s da Stafe eah, now isn’ Oy?  So dis is da trailah for moy new movie, Da Mechanic, donnit.  When da cönts told me about it, Oy found da concept well appealin.  Cuz wiffout a mechanic, dere’d be no one to fix da flash shoiny focken sazz wagons Oy’s always droivin round in, now is dey?  Oi, but da toype a mechanic Oy play in dis focken movie ain’t da toipe a cönt ‘oo stands round ow day shoinin ovva cönts’ sazz wagons, innit.  Roight, I play a cönt ‘oo solves problems.  Problems loike, “Oi, Stafe, dere’s a cönt standin onna dock ‘oo ain’t got enough focken speahs in ‘is leg,” or “‘elp us, Stafe, we’s got a fit bird eah ‘oo needs a knobbin.’”

An’ dat’s where da Stafe comes in, now doesn Oy?  Becos da fit birds ain’t gonna knob demselves, now is dey?  But if dey did, Oy reckon dat would make a pretty focken good movie as well, innit.  Fit Birds Knob Demselves, dey could call it.

[hat tip: /Film]

The Expendables just released two new posters, the one on the left, which seems to be telling us that they’ve really “brought out the big guns” for this one, and the one on the right, which looks like Stallone will be the guest tattoo artist on the latest episode of Miami Ink. “You’re not getting this because of a midlife crisis, are you?  Because that’s no reason to get a tattoo.  Hold on for a second, I have to do five tons of HGH and make a movie with Dolph Lundgren.”

[via IGN, Collider]

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Are you still buying Stallone as an action here?

(Vinnie Jones with his wi– HOLY GOD WHAT’S THAT IN THE BACKGROUND?!)

Vinnie Jones took time out of his busy schedule of beating up chubby Mexican dudes recently to announce his intention to open a Snatch-themed bar in Santa Monica with his pal and fellow athlete-turned-actor Jason Statham. From HolyMoly:

“Me and Jay have been talking about it for about a year. We were thinking The Snatch Bar or something like that down in Santa Monica. We’re going to do it, it’s just a question of us finding the time.”

Naturally, we turn now to FilmDrunk regular The Stath for comment.

Oy, cunts.  Stafe ‘eah, donnit.  So da ovva day, Jonesy wiz ringin’ me fockin’ oiPhone off da ‘ook, now wasn’ ‘e?  Da trouble is, dem cunts ‘asn’t made da oiPhone’s touch screens very strong, now ‘as dey?  So aftah da Stafe broke frough four or foive a da cunts, oy fought I moight just meet da cunt in person, innit.  So den Jonesy rocks up, an ‘e’s loike, “Oy, Stafe, wot you fink about a fockin’ Snatch bah?”, innit.

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