The international trailer for The Mechanic, starring Jason Statham in a remake of the 1972 Charles Bronson film, hit yesterday.  I wasn’t going to post it, because I thought I already had.  My mistake.  That was Blitz, this is The Mechanic.  Statham plays a hit man who teaches the hit man game to his young protege, Ben Foster.  The remake comes from Con Air director Simon West, so… you know… there’s that. I guess the bunny’s out of the box.

Said The Stath, when reached for comment, “Lately it seems loike Da Stafe is so busy, Oy ‘ardly ‘ave toime for knobbin’ fit birds!  Oy’s kiddin.  A course Oy’s knobbin birds.  Roight.  So in dis fiwm, dey caw Da Stafe ‘da mechanic,’ probably cos Oy’s always fixin’ fings. An also cos Oy’s always frowin a big fockin bloody wrench inta conts’ plans, now isn’ Oy.  When dey asked me ta do it, oy fought ta meself, ‘Oy. Stafe. Oo bettah ta troy an’ emulate den Mistah Chahles Bronson, da cont oo wiz knobbin’ birds an’ chewin’ da gyppo at age foive?‘  Da ovva fing dat appeawed ta me about it wiz dat dey told me Oy’d get ta stab some puntah inda leg wiff a speah, somefin’ Oy ‘as been on about since da Transporterah paht free.  So Oy told ‘em Da Stafe would do it, so long as oy got ta say,  ‘An dis toim… it’s personal, innit.’  Pretty flash, hey?  Da Stafe is a pushovah when it comes to clevah doyalogue.”

To complicate matters further, the trailer for 13 also hit today, and that stars Statham opposite Ray Winstone, Mickey Rourke, and 50 Cent, in a film about competitive Russian roulette.  …Yeah.

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"Oi, cont. D'ya loike dags?"

Oi, conts. It’s da Stafe ‘ere, innit. Whoilst it wiz fun muckin’ about wiff Sloy Stallone an dem ovva geezahs in Da Expendabews, da Stafe is in da proime of ‘is loife, an’ ‘e don’t roide shotgun in some ovva cont’s sazz wagon for very long, now does Oy. Roight. So Oy ‘as got a fiwm a me own once again, and dis toime, some cont is killin’ coppahs, donnit. Turns out, da cont ‘as been running ’round London offin’ coppahs left and roight, an’ da ovva conts is wew ‘elpless to stop ‘im coz dey’s too busy pushin’ penciws an’ playin’ boy da fockin rules, now isn’ dey. Meanswhoilst, Da Stafe is a loose fockin cannon, oo ‘as been kicked off da force for knobbin’ too many fit birds and doin’ flash stunts on BMX boicycles, donnit. But da fing about a loose cannon is, whoilst ‘e moight knob ya girlfriend when ya’s not lookin’, dere’s nuffin bettah for blowin’ a cont’s ‘ead off, now is dere.
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The Expendables has a new trailer!  Quick, somebody spot me!

HUNGH! UNGH! HUNH! UNNGGH! HUUUNGGH! YEEEEEAAAAH!  NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL FEELIN’ THE BURN, YOU PUSSIES!

(*injects horse testosterone into ass cheek*)

NOW YOUR TURN!  ONE! TWO! THREE! GET THOSE KNEES TOGETHER, PROM QUEEN! FOUR! FIVE!  YEEEEAAAH!  NOW LET’S SHAVE EACH OTHER’S PITS!  WE LOOK SO RIPPED NOW! GIMME A HEADBUTT!!

(*air guitars to Guns N Roses, shotguns Red Bull*)

LEMME BORROW THAT WHIZZINATOR! I GOTTA TAKE A PISS TEST FOR A CUSTODY HEARING!!  RONNIE COLEMAN IS GOD!! THE A-TEAM WERE HOMOS!!!! OOOOHHHHH YEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!

I didn’t put much stock in it when it was just The Sun reporting it, but now multiple sites are mentioning broad-faced Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whitley as Megan Fox’s replacement in Transformers 3.  Deadline says she’s the front runner in a short list of three that also includes The House Bunny‘s Sarah Wright and Brooklyn “The Boner Fairy” Decker.  Huntington-Whiteley also just so happens to be Jason Statham’s girlfriend. Him being a friend of the site, I reached out to The Stath to see if he’d care to comment on the situation.

Oi, conts. Da Stafe heah, innit.  Oy ‘as come heah ta tew you about ‘ow oy feel about moy girlfriend starrin in a fiwm wiv dis cont, Moichael Baiy.  Fing is, it seems loike it wis only a few daiys ago dat Da Stafe wis foinally learnin da name ov da bird Oy’ve been knobbin’.  An’ now it seems loike evry cont’s wew focken curious about ‘er, now is dey?  Seems moy dahlin’ bird, whatshername (don’ remoind me, Oy ‘as got ta leahn dis some toime), is wew keen on starrin’ in dis movie about robots dat punch each ovvas whoilst disgoised as sazz wagons.  Furvamore, dis rowdy bloody focken sazz wagon punchin’ movie ‘as a directah, dis cont Moichael Bay, oo’s meant ta be wew fockin notorious for actin’ cheeky wiv da birds, makin’ dem shoine ‘is sazz wagons, an’ yellin’ an’ aw’ dat.  An’ evry’one wants ta know what da Stafe finks about da cont, now don’ Oy?

Roight. So da first toime Da Stafe met dis Moichael Bay cont, da cont droives up in a flash shoiny sazz wagon.  Only win Da Stafe sees da cont, Da Stafe finks it’s bird, on account uv da cont ‘avin shoiny focken ‘air flowin’ in da focken’ summah breeze loike Da Stafe’s sistah or somefin, innit.  Only boy da grace a God did Da Stafe realoize it weren’t a bird before ‘e knobbed ‘er.  But once Oy knew it wiz a bloke, a funny fing ‘appened, now didn’t it.  Da cont earned Da Stafe’s respect.  Da cont’s sazz wagon wiz wew shoiny, an’ besoides, Da Stafe especially knows ‘ow difficult birds kin be, donnit.  Ow ways askin’ a fousand focken questions, “Oi, Stafe, is da footy game almost ova?” “Oi, Stafe, when is oy gonna get anovva knobbin’?  “Oi, Stafe, oy ‘as cut me’sewf on your chisewed features again.”   Oo needs it.  Da Stafe figures if dis cont wiv da shoiny focken bird ‘air can taike a bird off Da Stafe’s ‘ands in between knobbins, an’ maiybe even teach da bird ‘ow not to ask so many questions, an’ ‘ow to propa shoyne a focken sazz wagon, so much da bettah, innit. Da sazz wagons ain’ gonna shoine demsewves, now is dey.

Holy crap, I can’t wait for The Expendables.  Sylvester Stallone leads a super ripped, super old team of outlaw mercenaries (the Ben Gay Team, say) on a suicide mission.  And this time, it’s personal, because they have to save some bitch they just met.  Here’s RoboPanda’s earlier breakdown:

• Sylvester Stallone plays Barney “The Schizo” Ross, leader of The Expendables.
• Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (really?), the second in command.
• Mickey Rourke plays “Tool” (heh heh), an arms dealer and tattoo parlor owner/artist.
• Jet Li plays Bao Thao. [Clearly the grown-up version of the kid Clint Eastwood taught to be a man in Gran Torino]
• Dolph Ludgren plays a sniper named Gunnar Jensen. Hang on.  Stallone named a sniper “Gunnar”?  You sly devil you. *slide whistle*
• Terry Crews is the comedy relief of group and plays Jet Li’s best friend, Hale Caesar.  Wait, “Hale Caesar”?  Is he wearing a toga and banging boys?
• Steve Austin plays ”Dan Paine” (Pain?  Okay, this is getting ridiculous.) and is Eric Roberts’s’s’s’s bodyguard.
• Randy Couture plays a demolitions expert named . . . wait for it . . . “Toll Road”.  Okay, now he’s just f–king with us.

And of course, the trailer includes cameos from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis.  Will there be a cheesy butt-rock soundtrack?  Let me put it this way: yes.  This movie is so manly it will grow hair on your chest then shave it off to look more ripped.

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