While it looks like we’ll be waiting in vain for his review of The Raven, Armond White, our favorite thesaurificant cantankeramous of the venerable Bull Moose Moving Picture Appreciation Society of the 1936 World Fair, did review Safe, the film about Jason Statham protecting a small Asian girl by punching everyone in the face. Good old Armond, he never fails to entertain. This was my favorite line:

Statham always deserves commendation for his usually fine taste in projects, such as Paul W.S. Anderson’s Death Race (the film that does the social commentary The Hunger Games can’t).

My God, that sentence is just so perfectly Armond. It’s not that it’s contrarian, it’s that it’s so dense with contrarianisms. It’s got assertions that could take up three other essays on their own, just breezily tossed in there off hand where only tangentially relevant. I haven’t seen Death Race, and while it looks super crappy to me, I know it has its fans (Burnsy, for one), and I’m perfectly willing to entertain the notion that it’s a better version of The Hunger Games. But then you’re like, wait, Jason Statham has fine taste in projects? You mean the Jason Statham from projects like… Killer Elite and Blitz and The Mechanic and The Expendables and The Transporterer Part 6: The Transportering? That Jason Statham? Also, why does he ALWAYS deserve commendation for taste that’s only USUALLY fine? With a lesser writer I’d call that a grammar mistake, but with Armond I’m 95% sure it was intentional. It’s just part of his relentless barrage of challenges to the conventional wisdom. OH I’M SORRY BITCH, WERE YOU NOT AWARE EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THE WORLD IS WRONG?? AIN’T NO SHELTER FROM TRUTH BOMBS LIKE THESE! A-DUBZ OUT!

I love Armond White. He is ten times more entertaining than any film he’s ever covered.

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As insane as the characters he plays in his movies, screaming at iguanas that may not even be there, punching women, dressing as a bear – it’s possible Nic Cage might be even crazier in real life. He did name his son after Superman and go broke buying castles and dinosaur skulls, after all. That the real-life stories from Nic Cage’s life had never made it to the big screen before is an untapped well of material the likes of which the world has never seen. Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon (of Reno 911!, but also the writers behind Night at the Museum, Balls of Fury, The Pacifier, and Taxi ) may become the first to correct this grave mistake as Lionsgate has picked up their script, Action No. 1, based on the true story of Nic Cage’s stolen Superman comic. Specifically, Action Comics No. 1, the landmark 1938 comic that introduced Superman.

The theft of Cage’s comic made real-world headlines in 2000. The issue was missing until 2011, when it was discovered among the contents of an abandoned storage locker. It sold for a record $2.1 million at auction in November.

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Haven't the Pittsburgh Pirates suffered enough?

In Wide Release This Weekend: Abduction, Moneyball, Killer Elite, Dolphin Tale

This weekend actually has a little something for everyone, so chances are if you’re in the mood for a movie, then you’ll find something you like. Unless you’re a soccer-loving, socialist thalassophobe, in which case you’re SOL. Go rent Bridesmaids or something. Me, I’ll be at Pearl Jam 20 pretending like I’m a teen again.

Abduction

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 0%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This laughable yarn is intended simply as a vehicle to draw teen audiences eager to feast their eyes upon Twilight heartthrob Taylor Lautner. And, yes girls, he does take off his shirt and expose his muscled physique rather quickly into the proceedings.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

“But Abduction is as uninterested in psychological unease as it is in innovative action, and simply shuffles together explosions, bloodless fight scenes and incongruous romantic interludes with little regard for orchestrating tension.” – Andrew Barker, Variety

Armchair Analysis: A few weeks ago, Vince asked me on the Frotcast what my top awkward movie laugh moment was, and I know that if I saw this movie in the theater, it would be when Lautner says, “Not if I find you first.” I laugh hysterically every time the commercial airs. This movie could be the funniest of the year.

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This Week in This Week in Posters: The Rum Diary, the most prolific of all poster clichés, and of course, some cannon-fighting pirate ships carried by zeppelins. Something for everyone, really. Click to enlarge, and enjoy!

The Rum Diary is one of my favorite books, so obviously I’m a little sensitive about the possibility of the movie not being good, because that would make me cry. That said, is it just me, or does the poster seem a tad… zany? There isn’t much going on and it just reads “JOHNNY DEPP ACTING WRY!” to me. Though to be fair, people do love Johnny Depp acting wry. Especially foreigners.

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13 is a remake of the 2005 Georgian movie (red menace not red necks) 13 Tzameti, which takes the novel step of  bringing in the original director (Géla Babluani) to do the English language version. Long story short, it’s about competitive Russian Roulette, and seems to have been cast like a younger, hipper Expendables. There’s Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, 50 Cent, UFC fighters Forrest Griffin and Don Frye (the Magnum PI of MMA), HBO dreamboats Alexander Skååårsgaåaååaaård and Michael Shannon, and Motherf*ckin’ Ray Winstone (his full name). But enough from me, let’s hear what The Stath has to say.

Oi, conts, it’s Da Stafe heah, isn’ Oy. As you kin see, Da Stafe stahs in dis new fiwm Firteen, which is about Russian Roullette or some bollocks. Sahdly, I don’ get ta kiw conts wiv a chair loike oy did in dat ovva movie. But it did give me do oppahtoonity ta weah a ravva fetching bowlah cap, innit. Whoy, Oy I fink Oy look propah sophistica’ed, don’ Oy, Tommy? Anyway, dis fiwm weren’t much of a stretch for da Stafe, because whoilst Da Stafe don’ normly play a lot of Russian Roullette, sometoimes Oy DO loike ta play a littew gaime Oy loike ta caw ‘Chatsworff roulette,’ where Da Stafe goes ta da focken Playboy Mansion, frows a point glahss inta da crowd, an’ den oy ‘as ta knob whicheva bird it ‘its, now ‘asn’t Oy. Sometoimes da birds come up and dey’s loike, “Oy, Stafe, whoy ‘as you ‘it me in da ‘ead wiff diss wew ‘eavy focken point glahss?” An’ den Oy is loike, “Wew, dahlin, if Da Stafe’s wew ‘eavy focken point glahss ‘adn’t ‘it yew in da skull, ‘ow would Da Stafe know dat you is da bird da Stafe is supposed to knob tonoight?’ An’ since dat is obviously a wew romantic fing ta say to a bird, aftah dat we usually knob in da back of moy sazz wagon. Moral a da story is, bein’ Da Stafe ain’t too focken bad, is it, Tommy.

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