(video should be working now. if not, watch the version after the jump)
Oi, cunts, Da Stafe ‘eah. Dis is da traila for moy new movie, Da Expendables, innit. Oy’s playin a supportin’ role, but Da Stafe’s agent says dis is da film dat’s gonna show off Da Stafe’s “rainge as an actor”, donnit. To be honest, oy didn’t know what da cunt was on about. Turns out, it means dat in dis movie, oy’s ain’t takin moy fock’n shir’ off or droivin flash sazz wagons, an’ oy’s jus’ s’posta stand ’round loike a sad cunt whoilst da old geezah wiff da toight shir’ knobs aw da fit birds. Oy reckon if a bird is choosin a plastic-lookin cunt loike dat when she could get propa knobbed by a fit bloke loike da Stafe, den dis film must be soyence fock’n fiction, innit. Roight. So oy begged da geezah da let me roide a BMX boicycle or at least knob a few birds, but da cunt was just aw loike, “Ehhh err ugghhh eeeyyy ooohhh eehhh.”
Oi. ‘ow’s a cunt sposta understand a cunt if da cunt ain’ even speakin da queen’s, roight? Da good news is dat dey give da Stafe ‘is own trailah, an’ fock’n seafood fock’n dinnahs ev’ry noight. But wiffout sazz wagons or birds to knob or BMX boicycles, oi ‘ardly knew ‘oo oi was anymore. Oy ‘ad ta do a few fousand pushups ‘an ‘eadbutt da cunt wiff da clipboard just ta feel loike moyself again, now didn’t oy. Roight. So go see da fock’n movie, because da Stafe ‘as propa suffered for it, now ‘asn’t oy. An if oy don’ win da Oscah after da sacrifoices dat oy ‘as made, den we know dat dem cunts at da Oscahs is nuffin but worfless pikeys.
Courtesy of Destroythismovie, here’s an early bootleg copy of Sly Stallone’s epic mid-life crisis movie, The Expendables. It stars Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, The Stath, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Terry Crews, etc., and as we previously speculated, the trailer is filled with unintelligible grunting in a variety of accents. This is supposed to be a throwback to an 80s action flick, but if that’s the case they’re gonna have to do better than one-liners like “Bring it, Happy Feet!” Then Dolph Lundgren picks up Jet Li over his head (which, if movies have taught me anything, is how big white guys always fight little Asian guys) and shouts “Hello, Karma!” Come on, neither of those would’ve even made it to the cutting-room floor on Commando or The Last Boy Scout. Then some chick gets waterboarded — torn from the headlines! — and, hey! Who invited Stone Cold Steve Austin? What is this, Woodstock 99? I heard they call him the six-million dollar man. Not because he has the same name as the guy in the tv show, because that’s the most money a movie he was in has ever made.
I named this helicopter ‘Chopper Rotorway’.
UGO posted a round-up of info on The Expendables, and I’ll break it down like a clown. Any potential spoilers will be placed after the jump.
Jason Statham is in “final negotiations” with Lionsgate to star in Blitz, a cop thriller, opposite Paddy Considine in an adaptation of a book by Ken Bruen. Says Booklist (via Amazon):
Most of the hard-charging cops from The White Trilogy are back–Sergeant Brant, Chief Inspector Roberts, Police Constable Falls–along with a couple of late arrivals, Sergeant Porter Nash and PC McDonald. Slogging their way through a London unrecognizable from postcards, it’s a wonder any of them have survived both criminal mayhem and their own self-destructive impulses. A cop killer dubbed “The Blitz” is wreaking havoc with a hammer, and as the tale rockets forward, the characters find themselves engaged in unlikely alliances: homophobe Brant with openly gay Nash; suddenly supercompetent Roberts with screw-up McDonald; and the black Falls with “Metal,” a racist skinhead.
Oi, Staf heah. Dey’s changed da fock’n story a bit from dis, cos when da Staf does a movie, cunts’d be well woise to play to da Staf’s particula strenfs, donnit. Roight. So den in dis version, Oi play da skin’ead, Metal, on accoun’ a moy ‘airstoyle, an’ cos “Metal” is a fock’n flash name, innit. Den we changed da black fella to a fit bird oi’s knobbin, dis Ukranian model wif a well toight kit. Den we changed Sergeant Nash to a shoiny sazz wagon, cos da Stafe can’t very well knob a fit bird wiffout a sazz wagon ta do it on, now can Oy? Cunts. Den dey changed Sergeant Brant to da Staf’s boiceps, an’ PC McDonald to da Staf’s shir’, derefore, McDonald is no longa in da fock’n movie, now is dey. So oo does dat leave? Roight, da Chief Inspecta. As for da ‘Chief Inspecta,’ Oy fink Oy kin leave dat to you’s cunts imaginations, can’t Oy. Let’s just say in dis version, da ‘Chief Inspecta’ spends a lotta toime wif da black fella, donnit.
