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In Wide Release This Weekend: Abduction, Moneyball, Killer Elite, Dolphin Tale

This weekend actually has a little something for everyone, so chances are if you’re in the mood for a movie, then you’ll find something you like. Unless you’re a soccer-loving, socialist thalassophobe, in which case you’re SOL. Go rent Bridesmaids or something. Me, I’ll be at Pearl Jam 20 pretending like I’m a teen again.

Abduction

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 0%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This laughable yarn is intended simply as a vehicle to draw teen audiences eager to feast their eyes upon Twilight heartthrob Taylor Lautner. And, yes girls, he does take off his shirt and expose his muscled physique rather quickly into the proceedings.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

“But Abduction is as uninterested in psychological unease as it is in innovative action, and simply shuffles together explosions, bloodless fight scenes and incongruous romantic interludes with little regard for orchestrating tension.” – Andrew Barker, Variety

Armchair Analysis: A few weeks ago, Vince asked me on the Frotcast what my top awkward movie laugh moment was, and I know that if I saw this movie in the theater, it would be when Lautner says, “Not if I find you first.” I laugh hysterically every time the commercial airs. This movie could be the funniest of the year.

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This Week in This Week in Posters: The Rum Diary, the most prolific of all poster clichés, and of course, some cannon-fighting pirate ships carried by zeppelins. Something for everyone, really. Click to enlarge, and enjoy!

The Rum Diary is one of my favorite books, so obviously I’m a little sensitive about the possibility of the movie not being good, because that would make me cry. That said, is it just me, or does the poster seem a tad… zany? There isn’t much going on and it just reads “JOHNNY DEPP ACTING WRY!” to me. Though to be fair, people do love Johnny Depp acting wry. Especially foreigners.

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13 is a remake of the 2005 Georgian movie (red menace not red necks) 13 Tzameti, which takes the novel step of  bringing in the original director (Géla Babluani) to do the English language version. Long story short, it’s about competitive Russian Roulette, and seems to have been cast like a younger, hipper Expendables. There’s Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, 50 Cent, UFC fighters Forrest Griffin and Don Frye (the Magnum PI of MMA), HBO dreamboats Alexander Skååårsgaåaååaaård and Michael Shannon, and Motherf*ckin’ Ray Winstone (his full name). But enough from me, let’s hear what The Stath has to say.

Oi, conts, it’s Da Stafe heah, isn’ Oy. As you kin see, Da Stafe stahs in dis new fiwm Firteen, which is about Russian Roullette or some bollocks. Sahdly, I don’ get ta kiw conts wiv a chair loike oy did in dat ovva movie. But it did give me do oppahtoonity ta weah a ravva fetching bowlah cap, innit. Whoy, Oy I fink Oy look propah sophistica’ed, don’ Oy, Tommy? Anyway, dis fiwm weren’t much of a stretch for da Stafe, because whoilst Da Stafe don’ normly play a lot of Russian Roullette, sometoimes Oy DO loike ta play a littew gaime Oy loike ta caw ‘Chatsworff roulette,’ where Da Stafe goes ta da focken Playboy Mansion, frows a point glahss inta da crowd, an’ den oy ‘as ta knob whicheva bird it ‘its, now ‘asn’t Oy. Sometoimes da birds come up and dey’s loike, “Oy, Stafe, whoy ‘as you ‘it me in da ‘ead wiff diss wew ‘eavy focken point glahss?” An’ den Oy is loike, “Wew, dahlin, if Da Stafe’s wew ‘eavy focken point glahss ‘adn’t ‘it yew in da skull, ‘ow would Da Stafe know dat you is da bird da Stafe is supposed to knob tonoight?’ An’ since dat is obviously a wew romantic fing ta say to a bird, aftah dat we usually knob in da back of moy sazz wagon. Moral a da story is, bein’ Da Stafe ain’t too focken bad, is it, Tommy.

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Clive Owen with a mustache! Robert Deniro with a beard!  Jason Statham with a chair! It’s the new trailer for Killer Elite, which ponders the question, “What would an action movie starring Clive Owen, Bob Deniro, and The Stath look like?” The answer, it seems, is “Like every other Statham movie.”  Specifically, punching, ‘splosions, and Jason Statham beating up Clive Owen with a chair while he’s still sitting on it.  For additional commentary, we go to FilmDrunk Special Correspondent, The Stath.

Roighto, conts.  Wew dis is Da Stafe’s new movie, now isn’ it.  If oy moight be so bowde as ta ask, wha’ else da you fink da puntahs moight loike ta know?  Da plot? Wew it ain’t exactly Merchant an’ Focken Oivory now is it, Tommy? Some conts ‘as gone an’ pissed off da Stafe, an now da Stafe ‘as to give ‘em a propah thrashin, now don’ Oy. A course, there’s also a few fit birds ta knob, cheeky conts ta wink at, an fockin foiry fings ta smash inta ovva foiry fings until dey fockin explode, now don’t dey?  Da knobbin’ birds paht is moy favrit paht, a course. Knobbin’ birds ‘elps give da Stafe strenff for delivrin’ thrashins’.  What was it loike ta work wiv Cloive Owen, you ask?  Wew dat’s a clevvah focken question, innit, Tommy?  Oy’s nevah fought about dat befoah today, now ‘as Oy?  Goal fockin stah for you, go to da ‘ead ov da clahss.  Oy’d say it was a rewarding focken experience, as Da Stafe ‘as always wondered wot it’d be loike to thrash a porn stah ta deaff wiv ‘is own leavvah jacket, now ‘asn’t Oy.  So dat wiz a dream come focken true, wasn’ it.  Roight, so den dis ovva, oldah cont in a beahd showed up, ‘e wiz meant ta play Da Stafe’s favah or somefin loike dat, an’ da puntahs wiz loike, ‘Oi, Stafe, don’ you recognoize dis bloke?’  An Oy wiz loike, Oi, ‘e looks familiah, but it don’ ring a fockin’ bew, now does it. Da Stafe loikes movies, but oy ain’ exactly Quen’in focken Tahrintino, now is Oy.

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As you kin see, Da Stafe is a wew-skiwwed negotia'ah

Oi, conts, Da Stafe eah.  Did yous miss me?  Wew da wait is ovva, cos Oy ‘as got a new movie comin’ out.  Foinally, yous wiw be able to watch da Stafe grimace, bash conts, spew cheeky one loinahs, and knob every fit bird wiffin a firty moile fock’n radius. Now, Oy know a lot of yous conts out theah is gonna say, “Oi, but Stafe, ‘asn’t you already done loike firty ovva movies wiff dis exact same plot?”

An to dose conts oy say, Oi, it’s a Stafe movie. Dey’s not exactly Merchant and Fock’n Oyvory now is dey?  You clevah conts wiw be ‘appy to note dat Da Stafe’s new fiwm, Blitz, distinguishes itself from aw previous Stafe fiwms boy da sheah fock’n numbah an’ variety of fings wiff which Da Stafe bashes conts.  As you’s can see, da list of fings which oy utilize to give conts’ ‘eads a wew good bashing includes, but is not fock’n limi’ed to: Da Stafe’s foot, Da Stafe’s Fore’ead, da curb, a basebaw bat, da door of a flash sazz wagon, a noight stick, a snookah cue, an ‘ammah, a gun, da bad cont’s own arms, a pistew, a proiceless antique vase, and a course, de ol’ stand boys, Da Stafe’s fists, Mahgrit an Caffrine.  And if dat weren’t enough to get your appetoight as wet as a fit bird’s muff when she sees da Stafe wiff moy shir’ off, Oy ‘as awso got a pair of wew angry fock’n pit bulls, now doesn’ Oy. Oy named dem “Sazz Wagon” and “Cont”.

"Oi, cont. D'ya loike dags?"

Oy loike pit bulls cos dey is ruffless fock’n bloody canoines dat cannot bet tamed, and wiffout question da flashest of aw dog breeds.  Dey is basically da Stafams of da animew kingdom Read the rest of this entry »