"Get out of the way, lady, my Corvette is dirty."

After the jump, it’s the red-band trailer for Bad Teacher, starring Cam’ron Diaz and Justin Timberlake.  I read this script a while back and really liked it, but then Sony hired Cameron Diaz to play the lead and her then-boyfriend Justin Timberlake to play her love interest, the kind of decision that only makes sense if you’re a studio exec.  On the plus side, Jake Kasdan is directing (of Orange County and the criminally underrated Walk Hard) and Jason Segel has a supporting role.  Maybe I can still pretend to buy Cameron Diaz in this role long enough to enjoy it?  It’s going to be hard, but if I can get Burnsy to stop feeding me popcorn with his big man paws like he usually does, I might be able to manage.

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"Mira, guey: Ju tell me donde esta la coca, or I put thees cigar out on el perro. Entiendes?"

Casting stories are usually boring as hell, but then, they usually don’t involve Danny Trejo and the Muppet Movie.  That’s right, Danny Trejo is joining the cast of the Muppet Movie.  Said Trejo, when reached for comment, “Why ju laugheen, puto?”

Jane Lynch has joined the impressive ensemble cast, while “Community’s” Donald Glover has also landed a small role, an individual familiar with the project has told TheWrap. “Machete” star Danny Trejo has also been cast, his representation has confirmed.

James Bobin (“Flight of the Conchords”) is directing from a script co-written by Nicolas Stoller (“Forgetting Sarah Marshall”) and “Muppets” star Jason Segel. While Glover’s role remains unspecified, Lynch will play a prison guard and Trejo will play her prisoner, according to Production Weekly. [TheWrap]

Still no word on whether Trejo will be alone with Lynch in his scenes, or whether he’ll actually interact with any of the puppets.  For his part, Trejo says, “Mira, guey, seence preeson, I don’t put my hands up nobody’s culo.”

I hear every time Danny Trejo gets cast in a Muppet movie, an angel helps a corgi puppy fold a burrito.
CORGI: Arf! Arf!
DANNY TREJO: Si, si, vato, muy bueno.

Here we have the latest trailer for Gulliver’s Travels, starring Jack Black, Emily Blunt, and Jason Segel, in 3D.  There’s a lot you could say about a movie that turns Jonathan Swift’s 18th century satire of politics and religion into a fish-out-of-water comedy starring Jack Black as “a little guy with big dreams,” but probably nothing so succinct and definitive as “Jack Black gets wedgied by a robot.”

As far as I’m concerned, Jack Black Gets Wedgied by a Robot is the new title.

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(This is neither here nor there, I just thought it was kind of cute. Makes a good dentist office poster.)

You know the drill folks, none of these stories are getting their own post.  Instead it’s the FilmDrunk Fart Lightning Round.

Jason Segel will star in the Muppet movie he wrote with Nick Stoller. “The Greatest Muppet Movie of All Time, as it’s now known, centers on a man, his girlfriend, and the man’s life-long, brown puppet best friend who aim to reunite the old Muppets gang and band together to save the TV studio where the original show was shot.“   Set to be directed by James Bobin, sources say it will be different from previous Muppet movies in that all the humor will be derived from Jason Segel’s bare penis. |THR, ThePlaylist|

Fandango is going paperless. Now, instead of printing out your ticket, you can just have the ticket-guy scan the bar code directly off that thing you plan to text on the whole f*cking movie.  And if someone tells you to stop, just have your friends stab them with a meat thermometer, this is America. |TechCrunch|

Dakota Goyo will play the kid in Real Steel, the robot boxing movie.  Surprise, he’s a fruity-looking hair farmer.  If he and Dakota Fanning got married, she’d be Dakota Goyo.  And he’d still look like a lesbian.  Haha, I love you, cruel teasing of innocent children. |THR|

Gabourey Sidibe is getting pulled in opposite directions, by the “National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance” (NAAFA) who want to use her as an example that “heavy people aren’t necessarily unhealthy”, and by weight loss groups who want to help her fight the obesity epidemic.  It’s sad, she really reminds me of this girl I knew in high school who had AIDS and two babies and couldn’t read. |TMZ, TMZ|

(I stole that last joke from @jdoubledecker’s live tweet of Precious. His fellow live tweefer @joekingispretty has a show tonight at the Irvine Improv)

From SlashFilm:

Jason Segel (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) joined The Swell Season — Irish musician Glen Hansard and Czech singer and pianist Markéta Irglová (you know, the musical artists from the indie musical Once) — on stage at The Wiltern in Los Angeles on November 18th, 2009. Segel joked that the movie Once beat out the Dracula Love song from Forgetting Sarah Marshall at the Academy Awards due to Hollywood “politics.”

I tried to watch Once once after everyone said it was good, but I couldn’t stomach all the emotional balladry.  But then I treat earnestness the way cockroaches treat sunlight, probably because I’m so well adjusted.  Anyway, I’m including an excerpt of the lyrics below.  The phone number in the chorus is real, and goes to a recording with Segel’s email address.  I called it myself to confirm.  I’ll let you guys know if we end up frotting.

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