With Chris Pratt all set to play Star-Lord opposite a tree man and a talking raccoon (this movie sounds like a stoner’s dream), all Marvel has left to cast in Guardians of the Galaxy are the voices (Adam Sandler was rumored at one point), and Drax the Destroyer. Well now, according to El Mayimbe at Latino Review, (*takes huge drag on inhaler*) Marvel has offered the part to Jason Momoa, aka Conan, aka Khal Drogo. Wait, are all these characters dudes? Sounds more like Guardians of the Guy-laxy if you ask me.

Momoa flew out to London to screen test on Wednesday. It was reported earlier that Isiah Mustafa [Old Spice commercial guy], Dave Bautista [Wrestler], and Brian Patrick [guy with two first names] also tested the role of Drax.

According to sources, Momoa’s screen test went so good [sic] that Marvel offered him the part and his reps have now countered, so the negotiations are ongoing. [LatinoReview]

I’m not that familiar with Drax the Destroyer (is he a ship?), so I melvined this nerd I know named Wikipedia and made him tell me everything. Don’t laugh, if there’s one area where Wikipedia is meticulously accurate, it’s in comic book characters.

Arthur Douglas was a human whose family was attacked and killed by the supervillain Thanos. Needing a champion to combat Thanos, the being known as Kronos took Arthur’s spirit and placed it in a powerful new body, and Drax the Destroyer was born. Drax’s powers included enhanced strength and resilience, flight, and the ability to project energy blasts from his hands. The character often battled Thanos, and on occasion the superheroes Captain Marvel and Adam Warlock. He was also a member of the group known as the Infinity Watch. [Wiki]

So, basically a buff dude with rocket hands. My dream. And it seems do-able for Momoa, who has become Hollywood’s go-to guy whenever they need a big buff dude and The Rock is busy. Momoa definitely brings a certain… Hawaiianness to all his roles. I guess the jury’s still out. He seems reasonably charismatic, but it’s hard to tell what he can do when all he’s been in are a horrific nü metal remake of Conan and played Hate-F*ck McGee on Game of Thrones.

I guess we’ll see. But at the very least, we’ll always have this drunk-off-his-ass UFC interview:

Read the rest of this entry »

Rambo and Conan are axe fighting!

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

….Sorry …Can’t …Stop laughing. Sorry about that. Attempting to compose myself, here’s Sly Stallone in… some sort of… axe fight... (bite your tongue, bite your tongue) with Jason Momoa (Khal Drogo, Conan) in Walter Hill’s Bullet to the Head. Now, don’t get me wrong, Sly Stallone looks fantastic for a guy my dad’s age and I hope to be in half as good shape now, let alone 30 years from now…. But… let’s say you’re a five-foot-nine 66-year-old. Perhaps an axe fight with a jacked, six-foot-five Polynesian isn’t the most believable role for you. Even Jordan had to learn a jump shot. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, is this a movie, or one of those City Slickers camps where you get to play fantasy action star?

Incidentally, you know what else is going to smell like an Axe fight? Theaters screening this movie. Haa ch-cha cha cha.

Read the rest of this entry »

Meat Slay Love

You’ll never hear me arguing that the 1982, Arnold Schwarzenegger version of Conan the Barbarian was any kind of watershed moment in cinema, but the new version from Marcus Nispel (a music video director who specializes in remakes) is still enough to make you nostalgic. It’s hard to pinpoint specific reasons why this tits, muscles, and gore-filled fantasy exploitation is dead eyed and hollow compared to the tit-filled, musclesploitation film from whence it sprung, it’s just that feeling you get when stupid people try to recreate things they think are cool. Like when strip mall strippers try to look like blonde playmates from the seventies and they come out looking like more crispy-haired versions of Coco Ice with bigger implants. Or when untalented musicians try to be Guns and Roses and end up Papa Roach. You know all they saw in the first place was blonde hair and big tits, or loud guitars and angry vocals, so it follows that when they went to recreate that, they were like, “Well NOW it has BLONDER hair and BIGGER tits, and LOUDER guitars and ANGRIER vocals! How much more do you love it, fagg*t!”

Gone are any sense of whimsy or kitsch, replaced by needy, semi-mean-spirited posturing. Nispel doesn’t so much tell a story as spend 90 minutes trying to gross out squares to prove his goth cred. It can occasionally be funny watching dimwits try to offend when they lack the creativity, but it’s funny in a sad way. That’s sort of the movie in a nutshell.

Read the rest of this entry »

FINALLY! I’d been waiting for someone to post this Jason Momoa interview from UFC 132 for weeks, WEEKS, I TELL YOU! And finally it’s online. I liked it so much because, aside from the leather bowler hat/leather-vest-over-black-wifebeater combo, which is delightful, Momoa seems drunk off his ass, and not in a pathetic, Hasselhoff way, just buzzed to the point where you can see him sort of forget he’s on camera and just ramble on like he and Goldberg are broing out at Hooters. It’s BRONAN THE BARBRONIAN! That would be a way better movie.

Aaaaaanyway, coming off his critically-acclaimed, hate-f*ck-filled performance as Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones, Momoa is set to star in the nu-metal Conan the Barbarian remake opening next week (which unfortunately was directed by the guy who did the Nightmare on Elm Street remake). But that’s not all. Apparently the studio has plans for a sequel. Wait, did I say the studio? What I meant was that Momoa has plans for a sequel. That he wrote. God, I love this dude.

CRAVE Online: Are you signed on to do another [Conan]?

Jason Momoa: I am, as long as people go out and watch [the first one], you know what I mean?

CRAVE Online: Yeah. Is there a story you’d like to do for the next movie?

Jason Momoa: I wrote it.

CRAVE Online: Did you really?

Jason Momoa: Yeah, so we’re waiting to see if they’ll accept it.

CRAVE Online: Is it original or did you adapt it from something?

Jason Momoa: It will mostly be… It’s character-adapted, because I really want to get into more of the mythical creatures, you know?

I don’t know if I’d want to watch the movie, but I would pay at LEAST twelve bucks to read that script. Especially the part about the mythical creatures.

And if Dana White’s goon squad ends up pulling the video at the top of this post, I think I can sum up the interview in two frames:

Read the rest of this entry »

Lionsgate’s Conan the Barbarian reboot opens August 19th, and all signs point to it putting the “lame” in “lamentations of their women.”  Directed by Friday the 13th remake director Marcus Nispel, it stars giant Hawaiian Jason Momoa, known up until now mostly for Baywatch Hawaii and more recently for playing Hatef-ck McEyeliner on HBO’s Game of Thrones.  The trailer has pretty much everything you’d expect — growling, UFC intro music, men in skirts, sand monsters — it looks pretty bad for a movie, but really good for a Syfy original.

Come with me after the jump for some fist-pumping.
Read the rest of this entry »