The moment you’ve all been waiting for is finally here. American Reunion, the American Pie sequel/semi-reboot, has a trailer. You’ll be happy to know that Jason Biggs’ character, Jim (that’s him filling a sock with KY in the banner image), despite being married with kids now, still enjoys masturbating and frequently gets caught in the act. Wacky Jim! Still up to his old antics! Though at this point, I think any psychiatrist in the land would have to sit him down and ask the big question: “Jim, maybe part of you wants to get caught. Have you ever considered that?”

JIM: “Guys? What does third base after 40 feel like?”

OZ: “…It feels like an old, stretched-out tube sock, filled with KY.”

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Getting the logistics together to make a new America Pie movie was no easy task for Universal, and I’m sure will one day be the subject of an Entertainment Weekly cover story about how those heroes managed to milk blood from a rightfully dead franchise when all the h8erzz said it would never work. Long story short, to get it under budget, they had to cut a few corners. And apparently, one of those corners was named “Tara Reid’s salary.”

From The Hollywood Reporter:

How the studio met those challenges is a study in prolonging a franchise on a sensible budget. Production on the $50 million film, which wrapped this summer in advance of an April 6 release, was moved to Georgia to take advantage of a generous tax credit.
Then the studio played hardball with the actors, who have experienced mixed levels of success outside of the franchise.
According to sources, Universal is paying Jason Biggs and Seann William Scott a robust $5 million each, plus a small slice of first-dollar gross, to reprise their roles.
Alyson Hannigan, star of CBS’ How I Met Your Mother, is getting about $3 million. And veteran Eugene Levy, who starred in four profitable direct-to-DVD Pie films that helped make the property a billion-dollar franchise, is said to have received a payday also in the $3 million range.
The rest of the cast — which includes Chris Klein, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Natasha Lyonne, Jennifer Coolidge [Stifler's mom], Mena Suvari and Shannon Elizabeth — is being paid far less, say sources, most in the $500,000 to $750,000 range (though bonuses for some could kick in if the film is a hit, as expected).
Rounding out the list is Tara Reid, who is said to have joined Reunion for close to the $250,000 that Universal initially offered. A studio rep calls the figures “inaccurate” but declines further comment.

Now, there are two ways to look at it this. On the one hand, getting paid a third of Shannon Elizabeth, who was barely in the first one and doesn’t even show her boobs anymore, is pretty insulting. On the other, Tara Reid getting paid a quarter mil to stand around eating free food and occasionally mumble out lines she probably thinks are for Big Lebowski 2 is not only a miraculous stroke of sheer luck for Tara Reid, but an insult to anyone with a real job (obviously I don’t include myself in that statement). That’s probably what her agent* was thinking when he took the first offer. And that’s why there are so few moral agents.

*A talking duck

I’m sure I’ll have lots of thoughtful analysis and exciting updates about Charlie Kaufman and the Dogme 95 filmmakers coming up later today, but in the meantime, here’s a story about the dude from American Pie‘s wife buying him a hooker (I know you’d be reading it anyway). So Mrs. Jason Biggs, aka Jenny Mollen, had a plan to buy her husband of a year a BJ from a hooker for his birthday, which should prove everything you already knew about what happens to women when they get married. But hey, at least the rich ones outsource. Anyway, Mollen detailed the incident herself in a piece for TheSmokingJacket, and like many of my scripts, it all started with a bit of mistaken identity with a massage therapist.

The adventure started when I called up my assh*le friend, Chelsea and asked if she knew any “massage therapists”. Chelsea insisted that this chick would come over and with the proper amount of alcohol, do whatever we wanted. [oh sure, but when I say the same thing it sounds creepy. -Ed]
That night, I made the arrangements. I set the mood, turned on some Enigma, and poured champagne. My husband, however, paced around the house like a lunatic, wondering if he was going to get arrested for having a hooker visit our home. The girl arrived at the proper whoring hour of 9pm. I answered the door in a see-through bra and undies. I led her upstairs to my bedroom where she set up her massage table. About thirty minutes in, I started to realize something was wrong. This girl wasn’t a prostitute!! This girl was a legit massage therapist! F*cking Chelsea set me up.

Was it Chelsea Handler? I bet it was Chelsea Handler. She’s always pulling sh*t like this. Anyway, fast forward about 12 more paragraphs, and they’ve hired a tiny Filipino lady who they pay $300 just to talk. She asks for $300 more for the BJ, but they’ve gone over their ATM quota for the day and she leaves. So a few days later, they hire another hooker, this time a tall blonde with giant fake boobs, which is where this next block quote picks up:

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Universal has released the first pictures and teaser (which consists of a series of still pictures – watch it below) for American Reunion. Which, for the record, is a semi-reboot/sequel which picks up the storyline of the third movie and ignores the last four direct-to-DVD sequels (here’s a handy chart). As you can see, the gang’s all back together: Sh*tbrick, Pie F*cker, Flute Pussy, Jizz Drinker, Beardy, Whatsherface… pretty much everyone except Natasha Lyonne. But TooFab does report that both she and Shannon Elizabeth are confirmed for the sequel. So I have to assume she’s either passed out behind a dumpster like a raccoon, or threatening to have sex with someone’s dog again.

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Early last year, Universal pulled a Royal Tenenbaum and decided that the original cast of American Pie, after squandering their once-promising careers and flaming out in varying degrees of drug abuse and irrelevancy, would be best served back under one roof to pick up the pieces. An idea for a new film, American Reunion, was hatched (in which Jim becomes a YouTube sensation), and a release date was set for April 2012.

Now it has a teaser poster (above), and I don’t mind telling you that it’s confusing as all hell. So the poster for the original had a pie with a d*ck hole in it where Jason Biggs had tried to hump it because someone told him it felt like vagina. Now we have what looks like a new take on the old pie, but the nice, round d*ck hole is gone, in favor of a giant, messy gash. Would could’ve caused this? I suppose that’s the big question. Maybe Jason Biggs is in his mid-thirties now and trapped in a loveless marriage, and wanted to feel what it’d be like to have his balls licked like he used to? That could be a scrotum hole, I suppose. Or maybe Natasha Lyonne got hammered and passed out into a pie, and it was some kind of metaphor for dabbling in lesbianism? I don’t know. I have no idea. And then there’s that tagline. “Save the best piece for last.” And this presumably describes this torn-up pie that some dude probably just dipped his old balls in. Like, maybe it’s saying that the last “piece” you ever get will be this nasty old ball-bruised piece of pie that not even a hobo would want to eat? And why is it last? Is someone getting married? Or maybe the piece will be his last because he commits suicide afterwards? I don’t pretend to know these things, but either way it sounds pretty dark.

[DigitalSpy]