I’m not exactly up to date on my Japanese instant classics, so forgive me if you’ve seen this one before. But today we bring you an exciting clip from the 2010 comedy/horror Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5, or as I like to pronounce it without getting a headache, The Big Tits Dragon: Hot Spring Zombies Vs. Strippers. Once again, don’t you ever change, Japan.

According to the film’s lone review on IMDb, Dragon is the harrowing tale of five strippers who don’t have very many clients, so they make up for it by posing seductively and play fighting with each other to fill the space where plot would traditionally go. And as you’re about to watch in the clip after the jump, at some point one of the strippers becomes a zombie and attacks two of her peers. However, she doesn’t try to eat them as we’ve come to expect from traditional zombie films. That is, unless by “eat them” you mean she fires a flamethrower out of her cooch.

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Uh oh, it looks like some Japanese upstart is trying to steal Tom Six‘s thunder. Handfuls of our own feces at dawn?

Zombie Ass (I’m sure it sounds much prettier in Japanese) premieres at Fantastic Fest, and trust me, you want to read this synopsis.

We are going to flush you! The most crap-tastic zombie movie ever to emerge from Japan’s cinema sewer is finally upon us, and it’s from the twisted mind of cinematic madman and legendary ass- fetishist Noboru Iguchi…

I hope this guy has a business card with just his name and “legendary ass fetishist.” In fact, I’m having those printed right this second.

…creator of THE MACHINE GIRL, ROBO-GEISHA and KARATE-ROBO ZABORGAR! Given free reign by a generous, independent producer to plumb the depths of his toilet-obsessed imagination, Iguchi has created a splatter comedy guaranteed to warm the bowels of those with the stomach for it…while more sensitive viewers may want to plug their noses and flee in disgust! Wracked with guilt over the suicide of her sister Ai, who was tormented by high school bullies, pretty young karate student Megumi accompanies a group of older friends on a trip into the woods: smart girl Aya, her druggie boyfriend Tak, big-boobed model Maki, and nerdy Naoi. Things start to go badly when Maki finds a parasitical worm inside a fish they catch – and wolfs it down alive, in the hope that it’ll help keep her skinny!

Maybe she just wanted something tentacle-shaped all up in her nether regions. Big-boobed models are often into that, or so I’ve read.

And then….zombies!

I don’t even like zombies, but “and then… zombies!” is a line you could squeeze into literally any synopsis and make it at least 150% better. “Kate Hudson is a career-obsessed city girl determined to make partner before she hits 30. But when she gets stuck on a ferris wheel with party-loving man-boy Gerard Butler, her world literally turns upside down! And then… zombies!”

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This is the trailer for Uniform Survigirl I/II (no, I don’t know what’s up with that translation either), and while it’s not in English and doesn’t have subtitles, it does contain virtually everything that makes Japanese movies great:

* Obsession with girls in schoolgirl uniforms
* Gratuitous violence
* Chainsaw fighting
* Everyday objects used as ninja stars
* Blood spray
* Beheadings
* Rotting corpse demons [Little known fact: the red dot on the Japanese flag actually symbolizes rotting corpse demons]
* Samurai swords
* Plant rape

Pretty good, but needs more tigers.  And lactating.  Maybe a lactating tiger.  With a samurai sword. No, a chainsaw.  …You see?  This is the kind of thinking these poor bastards are forced to do in order to outdo each other.

[via QuietEarth - thanks to Robopanda for the tip]

Remember how in The Mask, Jim Carrey puts the mask on and turns into a loud-mouthed sex machine, because that’s his own fantasy of himself?  But then when the bad guy puts on the mask, he turns into this terrifying personified serial killer wet dream?  Let’s just say Tokyo Gore Police is more like the second one.  Oh, and this might not be work safe, depending on how your boss feels about nipples that spurt blood.