Clive Owen famously brought Monica Bellucci to orgasm while shooting bad guys in Shoot ‘Em Up, a scene which was later ripped off, er, homage’d by Nic Cage and Charlotte Ross in Drive Angry, which added the delightful one-liner, “I never disrobe before a gun fight.”

But as always, leave it to the Japanese to one-up us yet again. After the jump, in this new trailer for Yakuza Weapon, a character has sex with a sex doll whose head detaches, revealing a machine gun that he uses to kill everyone while he’s having sex with it. Penetration, meet perforation. Uhhhh, Coitus… ShootEmUpCus? (*sigh*) I guess I won’t be needing these. (*tosses sunglasses in trash*)

Your move, Robert Rodriguez.  I guess your little penis gun from Dusk Till Dawn looks pretty stupid now, doesn’t it.  Sorry, I’m exaggerating.  It was always pretty stupid.

Read the rest of this entry »

"That's good, now lower..."

In an early test of what scientists hope could one day cure the scourge of child actors, an android made its stage acting debut last week in Tokyo.  Created by designers at Osaka University, the bot carried a $1.2 million price tag (just over half of Nic Cage’s budget for cobra venom).  But knowing Japan, they should be able to recoup most of that by selling its used panties.

Geminoid F – a robot designed to look and act like a human – played alongside a human actress, American Bryerly Long [did she move there to torture the Japanese by making them pronounce that name? -Ed].  Long plays a girl suffering from a fatal illness whose parents hire an android carer and then abandon her. The android, made to resemble a part-Russian, part-Japanese woman with long hair parted in the middle, recites poetry to her.

Her voice and gestures were created by an actress in a soundproof chamber behind the stage whose head and body movements were detected by a camera and replicated by the android. Microphones were used for her voice.

Wait, so the android plays an android, and it’s more like an animatronic avatar than a robot with full artificial intelligence?  Dammit, we’re never going to replace human actors at this rate.

Read the rest of this entry »

That’s right, according to a new report, twenty to thirty percent of the adult video market in Japan consists of old people doing it.  Making the other seventy to eighty percent a combination of tentacle porn, sex pillows, and Hello Kitty fleshlights.  I kid, I kid, but seriously, the “elderly p0rn” part is true, and it came in (heh heh) a GlobeandMail profile of 76-year-old male porn star Shigeo Tokuda.

Mr. Tokuda is the superstar of the rising genre of “elder porn,” movies that feature older actors (at least the male ones) and plotlines in which the growing number of Japanese senior citizens (again, at least the males) can picture themselves. Sales of elder porn have reportedly doubled over the past decade, now accounting for somewhere between 20 and 30 per cent of Japan’s pornography industry, which grosses $20-billion annually.

I have to admit, as talented as Lex Steele is, it’s much easier for my penis to identify with a five foot three, elderly Japanese man.

For a long time, Mr. Tokuda was not just the world’s oldest porn star, he was perhaps its most anonymous. His family didn’t know where the 76-year-old really went and what he did when the retired travel agent pulled on his blazer and went off to “work” in the morning.  Mr. Tokuda’s secret blew up in his face two years ago [hee hee! -Ed.], when a lengthy fax arrived at his Tokyo home that his 35-year-old daughter was the first in the family to lay eyes on: the script to Prohibited Elderly Care Vol. 20.

Tagline: You’ve never seen colostomy bags like this before!

Read the rest of this entry »

Poor Darth Vader, the Japanese ad man promised him this would never be seen outside Japan. So degrading.  Slightly related: I thought I saw Japanese Darth Vader choking someone from across the bar, but when I turned around, he was just making an octopus do unspeakable things to a lady.  To her vagina. |TDW|

MORNING LINKS

• Live in a dank jack-off cave? Buy yourself a Natural Light Alarm Clock. |UproxxHolidayGuide|

• Which Cars Will Rise Above The Rest? (Hint: Not the ones Mexicans drive. *hums “Lowrider*) |Uproxx|

• Crossing The Line: 10 Most Outrageous Verbal Attacks In Sports History. |SmokingSection|

• Canadian Jersey Shore sounds more The Real World, whose decline was the only reason anyone watched Jersey Shore. |WarmingGlow|

• 25 pictures of dogs and cats photobombing each other. |Buzzfeed|

• Who Is The Greatest DJ Ever? (DJ Qualls, duh.) |UrbanDaily|

• Slashdot asks the tough questions: Is Your Laptop Cooking Your Testicles? (No, it’s stimulating them with porn). |Fark|

• Jetman is exactly how he sounds. Like Duffman, but with more thrust. (*hip thrusts*) |GammaSquad|

• LOL NFL, Week 9. |KissingSuzyKolber|

• Porn hotels give you a free room if you let them film you having sex. I’ll match that offer. |NYCBarstoolSports|

• The Bhootbili is some kind of Indian Chupacabra, which probably means it’s real and feeds on beggar corpses. |HolyTaco|

• Studio “wants” James Franco and Javier Bardem for Clash of Titans sequel. You know what they say, wish in one hand, brutally hack off the other… |ScreenJunkies|

• A Night of Lingerie Karaoke. |TheSmokingJacket|

FilmDrunk on Facebook. FilmDrunk on Twitter. Frotcast on iTunes. Comments of the week. Buy a FilmDrunk Shirt.

Friday Free for All is that time of the week I reserve for the funny, weird, sexy, or fart-y videos I want to post that might not be strictly “movie-related.”  I may not have to wear pants to work, but there’s no reason I can’t shirk my responsibilities on Friday like everyone else. (*puts on towel cape, helicopters wiener*)

I don’t speak Japanese, but today’s Friday Free For All clip (via WarmingGlow) features a Japanese game show, the object of which seems to be how much food you can stack on top of your pet.  They eventually get so much food on the first poor dog that drool starts leaking from the corner of his mouth (same thing happened when I wheeled my hot dog stand past a Stephenie Meyer book signing).  Oh God, I want to hug him so bad.  It’s cruel, but I admit, I laughed at that part.  But later, when they MAKE A CHIMP A CAGE OUT OF 800 BANANAS, it’s clear that things have gone too far.  Look how bad that chimp wants a banana.  I guarantee someone’s face is getting ripped off.  Meanwhile, somewhere, Kirk Cameron just watched this and questioned his faith.

Read the rest of this entry »