"Don't you eyeball f*ck me, motherf*cker, I will cut you the f*ck up cuz I ain't afraid to go back to prison. I'll f*ck you till you love me, fagg*t. Yo, Grizz, hold my pearls."

Before we get started, I know what you’re thinking: Thank God! Another contemporary Jane Austen adaptation! Between Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Pride and Predator, Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, a Latin adaptation of Sense and Sensibility, and a Mormon movie about Jane Austen LARPing, it’s like we’ve barely scratched the surface. WILL THE KITSCH VALUE EVER DECLINE? PLEASE, TELL ME MORE ABOUT VICTORIAN SOCIAL MORES!

Now that I’ve sufficiently whetted your appetite, today’s news is that Nora Ephron (Julie & Julia, You’ve Got Mail) is set to adapt Lost in Austen. Which is, GET THIS: a modern take on Pride and Prejudice (adapted from a 2008 British miniseries).

…about a modern-day Jane Austen fan who finds herself dropped into the middle of the events of Pride & Prejudice. The original Lost in Austen series saw London woman Amanda Price (Jemima Rooper) switching places with Pride & Prejudice heroine Elizabeth Bennett (Gemma Arterton) via a magic portal in Amanda’s 21st century bathroom. Amanda attempts to ensure that events unfold as they did in Austen’s novel, but finds herself falling for the handsome Mr. Darcy (Elliot Cowan). The present-day setting will be moved to New York City for Ephron’s adaptation. No cast is attached at this time. [SlashFilm]

Wow, a “Gemma” AND a “Jemima” in the cast? Benedict Cumberbatch may have to repowder his wig. Anyway, this premise doesn’t sound at all like Austenland, the novel being adapted by Jerusha Hess and produced by Stephenie Meyer:

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AW HELL YEAH, SON, LATTER DAY SAINTS BE MARCHIN! According to the Hollywood Reporter, Twilight author Stephenie Meyer is producing the directorial debut of Napoleon Dynamite co-writer Jerusha Hess, which begins shooting this week in the UK. The adaptation of a book by fellow Mormon Shannon Hale, Austenland is set to star Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Conchords and Keri Russell.  Hess, who co-wrote the screenplay with Hale, previously co-wrote Dynamite, Nacho Libre, and Gentleman Broncos with her husband, Jared, who graduated from BYU, as did both she and Stephenie Meyer. CLAW ‘EM, COUGARS! ROOT BEER KEGS FOR EVERYONE!  Here’s the book description from Publisher’s Weekly:

In 32-year-old singleton Jane Hayes’s mind, no man in the world can measure up to Fitzwilliam Darcy—specifically the Fitzwilliam played by Colin Firth in the BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. Jane is forced to confront her Austen obsession when her wealthy great-aunt Carolyn dies and leaves her an all-expenses-paid vacation to Pembrook Park, a British resort where guests live like the characters in Jane’s beloved Austen novels. Jane sees the trip as an opportunity for one last indulgence of her obsession before she puts it “all behind her—Austen, men, fantasies, period,” but the lines between reality and fiction become pleasantly blurred as Jane acclimates to the world of Spencer jackets and stringent etiquette rules, and finds herself torn between the Darcyesque Mr. Nobley and a forbidden tryst with Pembrook Park’s gardener.

A Colin Firth-themed rom-com set in the world of Jane Austen LARP?  Damn, I’m staying out of the Magic Johnson theater that weekend, the brothers will be going nuts for this one.

(Pride and Predator)

Natalie Portman has signed on to star in and produce Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a book that you should’ve thought of but Seth Grahame-Smith and his gay hyphen name did instead.

Though Austen’s name is on the book, Grahame-Smith took the liberty of adding bloodthirsty flesh-eating zombies to the mix.  Described as an expanded version of the Austen classic, the book tells the timeless story of a woman’s quest for love and independence amid the outbreak of a deadly virus that turns the undead into vicious killers.
Portman will play feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet, who is distracted from her quest to eradicate the zombie menace by the arrival of the arrogant Mr. Darcy. Darko [the studio producing] just released “The Box,” “World’s Greatest Dad” and “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.” [Variety]

I don’t know what it is, but something about this project bugs me. It’s easy to forget that it’s mildly clever because I’m so annoyed with everyone thinking it’s really clever.  Big whoop, zombies are stupid.  Write Sense and Sensibility and Doggies with Bandanas Around Their Necks and then we’ll talk.

Hey, did you think Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was a funny idea?  Well hold onto your f-cking sides, motherf-cker!

Elton John’s Rocket Pictures hopes to make the first Jane Austen adaptation to which men will drag their girlfriends [by the hair! OO WHA-A AA AA!].
Will Clark [not the former San Francisco Giant, unfortunately] is set to direct “Pride and Predator,” which veers from the traditional period costume drama when an alien crash lands and begins to butcher the mannered protags, who suddenly have more than marriage and inheritance to worry about.
The company is also in production on the CG-animated “Gnomeo and Juliet” for Miramax/Disney. [Variety]

Oh hey look, you made a cute play on words, gold star for you.  Tell your wife, tell your friends — shit, call a press conference, but don’t make us watch an entire movie about it.  And you know what the worst part about this is?  Colin Firth.  There, I said it.

Yo, dawg, you know dat muthaf-ckin Jane Austen book, Pride and Prejudice and shit?  Well imagine that shit… wit zombies.  Awwwwwwwwwww sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit……

JANE Austen’s classic novel Pride and Prejudice is being updated as a zombie horror book and film. A parody of the English novel is due to be published in April under the name Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, with Hollywood studios already bidding to turn the new book into a blockbuster movie.

The new book has been penned by Los Angeles-based TV comedy writer Seth Grahame-Smith*, who has been able to update Austen’s original tale because it is out of copyright.

Austen fans are in for a shock, with heroine Elizabeth Bennet and her four sisters becoming zombie slayers and taught how to fight like Japanese ninjas by Mr Darcy.

“It quickly became obvious that Jane (Austen) had laid down the blueprint for a zombie novel,” The Sunday Times quoted Grahame-Smith as saying. “Why else in the original should a regiment arrive on Lizzie Bennet’s doorstep when they should have been off fighting Napoleon? It was to protect the family from an invasion of brain-eaters, obviously.”  [News.com.au - Thanks to Arik for the tip]

Okay, I admit, that actually sounds kind of awesome.  Plus, it may pave the way for some of the books I’ve written, such as Sense and Sensibility and a Tiger, and The Red Badge of Lesbians.

*who wrote two episodes of “History’s Mysteries”, according to IMDB.