“Remember when I wrote that story about the guy who builds a giant pendulum with a big knife on the end of it just to kill a guy? Even *I* didn’t think that was believable. Frankly, I just thought it sounded kinda goth.”

Here we have the first trailer for The Raven, from director James McTeigue (V for Vendetta), starring John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe, who, on the eve of his death, teams up with police to catch a serial killer who’s using Poe’s stories as a guide to his murders. I can’t remember a movie since Identity that sounded so much like a script written by Charlie Kaufman’s brother Donald in Adaptation.

“Mom called it ‘psychologically taut’.” -James McTeigue’s brother, Steve.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s an official publicity still of John Cusack as Edgar Allen Poe in the James McTiegue-directed The Raven.  A fictionalized account of Poe’s last days, Poe helps a young detective track a serial killer who’s been using Poe’s stories as a backdrop for his killings.  And apparently, he does so with the help of… wait for it… A PET RAVEN.  That’s so raven. Is it just me, or is Hollywood being run by Homer Simpson?  I wouldn’t be surprised if in this version, the rapping Poe hears at his chamber door turns out to be Will Smith’s kid, belting his latest single.

“In The Raven, Jaden Smith literally rapped his way into my tell-tale heart.” -Pete Hammond.

[via LatinoReview]

(It’s ironic that the spark factory is where dudes most often go shirtless)

I’m still convinced this film is going to blow massive yak nuts, but at least Ninja Assassin finally has a decent trailer.  It’s basically the male equivalent of Twilight.  Full of lame clichés and even sort of missing the whole point as to what it’s supposed to be about (confuses macho posturing for violence just like Twilight confuses melodrama with romance), at least this one focuses on the blood instead of the horrible plot.  Granted, the blood is CGI as are the weapons, but it does have a shirtless Asian guy in a spark factory and a chick getting chopped up and stuffed in washing machine.  Not exactly my fetish, but… I could ‘bate to it.

Read the rest of this entry »

(“Hey, bros, watch me pose shirtless with these swords I never actually cut anyone with.”)

I always get a couple people whining in the comments section when I rip on Ninja Assassin (from Wachowski Bros protege James McTeigue and Korean pop star Rain), but come on, tell me this synopsis doesn’t give you a major case of the dismissive wanks.  From Collider:

Raizo is one of the deadliest assassins in the world. Taken from the streets as a child, he was transformed into a trained killer by the Ozunu Clan, a secret society whose very existence is considered a myth. But haunted by the merciless execution of his friend by the Clan, Raizo breaks free from them…and vanishes. Now he waits, preparing to exact his revenge. In Berlin, Europol agent Mika Coretti has stumbled upon a money trail linking several political murders to an underground network of untraceable assassins from the Far East. Defying the orders of her superior, Mika digs into top secret agency files to learn the truth behind the murders. Her investigation makes her a target, and the Ozunu Clan sends a team of killers to silence her forever. Raizo saves Mika from her attackers, but he knows that the Clan will not rest until they are both eliminated. Now, entangled in a deadly game of cat and mouse through the streets of Europe, Raizo and Mika must trust one another if they hope to survive…and finally bring down the elusive Ozunu Clan.

Blow me.  And of course the clips are all stylized slo-mo and wire fu.  Haha, I love you, masturbatory posturing.  All I’m saying is if you film two guys sword fighting, someone better be getting a limb cut off or else they may as well be frotting.
Read the rest of this entry »

This is the trailer for Ninja Assassin, from V for Vendetta director and protege of the Wachowski… uh, siblings… James McTeigue. And for extra credit, it stars a Korean pop star known simply as “Rain.”  Well, looks like now’s good a time as any to break out the played-out crappy action movie checklist. Shall we?

• Ninjas? Assassins?  Check and check, obvi.
• Origin story?  Check.
• Underexposed for dramatic effect?  Check.
• Gruff Asian mentor with thick accent?  Check.
• Pop musician attempting to act? Check.
• Homoerotic shirtless training montage?  Check.
• Protagonist raised by fraternity of assassins?  Check.
• With whom he later has a falling out?  Check.
• Slow-motion CGI weaponry?  Check.
• Car driving through explosion? Check.
• Cheesy butt rock soundtrack courtesy of Linkin Park or Papa Roach or God forbid… Hoobastank?  Check. (*shudder*)
• Epic choir gasps???  Check and mate, motherf*cker! TICK TICK TICK… SPLOOGE!

Well that clinches it, this looks familiar enough for me to go see (I spaz out like an autistic kid when movies get too unpredictable).   Man, one job that must be recession proof is the people in that epic opera gasp choir.  Between UFC events and movies based on graphic novels, they must work 18 hours a day. You can just see them practicing. Instead of a baton, the conductor just stands at the podium karate chopping boards.  Ahh ahh ah-ah!  Ahh ah ah ahhh-ahh AH AH….