If you’re behind on the Farrah Abraham porno fiasco, the basic run down is here and here, and our friend Lee Roy Myers even had Deen on his podcast to discuss the whole thing. The gist though, is that Farrah Abraham’s people wanted to make her more famous, so, taking a page from Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, they planned a “leaked sex tape.” To shoot this, they hired one of the most recognizable porn actors in the world, because they’re not very smart. James Deen agreed, but told them he wasn’t going to lie for them if anyone asked about it. They agreed, then went ahead with their plan anyway. And when James Deen did exactly what he said he would all along and told the truth about it, they got mad and told TMZ he had a small penis. Which, again, the genius of this particular burn when used on a recognizable porn star cannot be overstated. Weeks later, Vivid still ignored all the press, and released the tape as “the private tape made public,” ignoring the arguably equally-compelling reality, that a psuedo-celebrity released a legit porno, complete with anal sex and squirting, and was utterly without inhibition. These people are like reality show producers from hell, who can’t help but tell lies, even when they’re obvious and self-defeating, simply because they’ve built up too much momentum.

Which brings us to almost the present, when the latest idea from Farrah’s people to keep this story in the press was to get her photographed while shopping for a pregnancy test. Because durrrrr, maybe she’s “pregnant” from her latest “sex tape!” While the idea that this could be the world’s first photographically-confirmed drip-down baby is intriguing, James Deen understandably isn’t too stoked about it:

“This is a type of publicity I do not agree with and I do not want to participate in. Joking or lying or using pregnancy to get attention and media is not cool. It involves three people’s lives including the potential unborn child. It is not a subject to just throw around.”

“I am taking it seriously enough to research the possibility of someone getting pregnant from anal sex and semen on their face while they are having sex on their period with a sponge inside them,” he added.

Whoa whoa whoa, don’t shatter the mystique, man!

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Last we heard from Farrah Abraham, she of MTV’s Teen Mom “fame,” she had become a cautionary tale for pseudo-celebs trying to climb Jacob’s fame ladder using a sex tape everywhere. Her first mistake was hiring a porn star (James Deen) to shoot it with. Her second mistake was assuming he’d play along with her lame idea of pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend for the paparazzi. Her third mistake was telling people he had a small penis after it all went south, which was clearly a brilliant insult to use on a guy whose job is showing people his penis. Man, it’s like everything that comes out of her is a mistake. While a just world would award her zero points and may God have mercy on her soul, she apparently managed to weasel almost $1 million out of Vivid for a tape that will reportedly be called Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. Hey, credit where credit’s due, it’s a good title.

About three weeks after she filmed a sex tape with adult film star James Deen — and a couple weeks of very public negotiations — the 21-year-old former Teen Mom star has reportedly landed a deal with porn company Vivid. According to TMZ, Abraham has signed a contract with Vivid’s Steve Hirsch for nearly a million dollars. The site also reports that the film now has its raunchy title: Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom.

I don’t know, man. I’m just not sure if I can enjoy a porn tape now that I know the stars aren’t really in love.

The lucrative payday is a little bit less than Abraham had publicly hoped for. Copping to the existence of the tape to Us Weekly on April 10, Abraham mused, “I will not be settling for anything less then a couple million.” In the days that followed, Abraham was shot visiting Vivid’s offices (in the company of daughter Sophia, 3, and her father) and lunching with Hirsch as they reportedly hammered out the details of the deal.
Why did Abaraham do it in the first place? Sources told Us that she’s desperate to revive her career after Teen Mom’s September 2012 finale failed to lead to a new reality show. “She tried to recruit a boyfriend for Couples Therapy,” one pal told Us. “But no one would do it.”
She mused to Us of the film: “When I’m older, I’ll have my best year to look back on.”

I don’t know if she was misquoted, or if she really said her best “year,” singular. If she really did, my God, I want to sop up that pathos with a biscuit. Meanwhile, TMZ has the actual DVD cover:

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As a rule, I try not to stay abreast of “news” concerning the “stars” of MTV’s Teen Mom. But then Teen Mom Farrah had to go and get mixed up with porn star-cum-movie star James Deen, and now she’s become some kind of cautionary tale for anyone trying to use a sex tape to get famous. It’s a bizarre dance we do, where you can catapult to fame from a sex tape, but only if you make it look like something you never wanted to get out (even though a sex tape couldn’t leak on much of a scale unless it has the star’s consent). Recently, it sounds like Farrah Abraham of Teen Mom and Vivid cooked up a plan to “leak” a sex tape starring her and James Deen. Only it backfired when Deen refused to play ball (heh) on the “oops, I didn’t know I was being filmed” part of the bargain. Oh, and also the part where he’s already a porn star. Mark your calendars, this is an important date in history.

Abraham is still bitter after Deen revealed her plot to follow reality starlets like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian who shot to fame following sex tape scandals.
After adamantly denying she even made a sex tape, the 21-year-old finally confessed to doing it “for her personal collection” and that it was never intended to go public.
Deen’s admission paints a different picture stating Abraham knew all along that it would eventually be released and that the whole thing was staged.
“If you’re going to make a celebrity sex tape and try to pass it off as an amateur home video, you don’t hire a well-known porn star! You hire, like, some random dude,” he told Today.com.

Bingo, unlikely voice of reason James Deen, this is why the show isn’t called “Teen Brain Surgeon.” (By the way, I would totally watch Teen Brain Surgeon, in case anyone at MTV is reading this).

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Boy-next-door porn actor James Deen, born Bryan Matthew Sevilla, recently wrote a first-hand account of his experience working on The Canyons for DailyBeast. Considering the source material, his account is a truly impressive combination of compelling yet un-gossipy. Okay, so he does call James Franco a dick at one point, and of course I’m going to blockquote that:

After my first meeting with Paul, he mentioned he was going to a James Franco party for an art piece he commissioned called “Rebel Dabble Babble.” “I’m in that!” I told him. I ended up crashing the party with Bret, but that’s another story. My not receiving an invite to a party to celebrate a project I was part of is the point. One, Franco is a dick. Two, I would be fighting an uphill battle. Paul and his wife were not the only ones who thought of me as a party trick. Other than Braxton, Bret, and in time, the crew of The Canyons, everyone I met and worked with saw me as a joke.

To be fair, I’m not sure James Franco can even keep track of what art installation he’s doing with what male porn star on any given day. Anyway, this excerpt sort of sums up the theme of the piece: that no one in Hollywood respects actors, and that especially no one respects porn actors. They only enjoy them as a novelty.

Braxton and I spoke about cameras, my experiences on movie sets, and the personality types of most “actors.” No one likes actors. They are commonly referred to as “meat puppets.” Every person involved in movies thinks of actors as a joke. Braxton laughed as I ranted about the incompetence of every actor I’d ever met. He seemed refreshed and excited to get me involved.

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The Canyons famously stars sometime porn actor James Deen and Lindsay Lohan, and, after getting rejected by both Sundance and SXSW, was probably well on its way to obscurity, leaving behind little but a really good NY Times profile. But now it seems that it will hold onto its fame a few minutes longer, as Vivid has offered James Deen the unprecedented opportunity to direct and star in in the XXX parody of his own movie. Normally, I’d say something like this was a cheap publicity stunt – and it is a cheap publicity stunt – but the guy’s already a porn star. It’s not like there’s anything stopping him. In my experience, porn stars aren’t especially picky about their scripts.

Here’s the letter, from Vivid Entertainment’s Steve Hirsch. Forgive the grammar/spelling errors, he is a pornographer.

Hi James,
We’ve been following the news of your mainstream movie “The Canyons” with great anticipation, and we have a business offer that we think will intrigue you.
As you know Vivid is widely recognized as the leader in adult parodies and we would like to produce aVividTV parody of “The Canyons” directed by you, and starring you.
It would be a first in parodies…the actual star of a mainstream movie also starring in an X-Rated version of that same movie! How cool is that?

“Hi James?” Not even “Hi, James?” Man, somewhere, the Microsoft Paperclip is telling anyone at the bar who’ll listen, “See? I told you these motherf*ckers would be lost without me.”

Anyway, it’s ironic that Lindsay Lohan’s co-star, who she was convinced was stealing her thunder (rightly, I might add), is the one getting offers to play the porn parody version of himself. We always assumed it would be Lindsay who’d be the first to play the porn parody version of herself (I mean, career-wise, she’s already 70 percent there). I have to commend commenter Jacktion! for leaving the following prescient comment way back in May 2010:

Jacktion! says: I think Lindsay Lohan is playing Linda Lovelace in the porn remake of the Linda Lovelace biopic.

Almost, buddy. Almost.

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