Jerry Bruckheimer movies are kind of like the father who took off when you were a kid, and then when you were like 16, he finally decided he wanted back in your life, so he tries to bribe you with presents.  Only it’s clear he knows nothing about you, because all the gifts he brings you are just some stuff that he read in the newspaper was popular with teenagers.  Hey, how ya doin’, kid?  Ya like parkour?  I hear a lot of the kids are into that nowadays.  What about super slow motion like Watchmen, and bullet close-ups like in Wanted?  My cousin Gina’s kid Terrance, he’s about your age, he can’t get enough of that stuff.  So whaddya say, kid?  C’mon, come give your old dad a hug.

LEAVE ME ALONE, JERRY!  YOU’RE NOT MY REAL FATHER!  EVERYTHING WAS FINE BEFORE YOU SHOWED UP!

Jake Gyllenhaal’s been a gay cowboy, a white Persian, a Marine, a Marine’s brother, a bubble boy, and now he’ll be Broadway Joe (aren’t you impressed I can read IMDB?).  Gyllenhaal has actually been attached to the project like Andy Garcia’s malformed twin for a couple years now.  The only new development is that, according to some Pajiba dork I pantsed in the quad, director James Mangold has been hired, which may kick the project back into high gear.

The project is finally finding some traction, although at this point, Universal Pictures is looking to take another pass at David Hollander’s script before it moves into production.
Where that puts it in Mangold’s queue is an open question — he doesn’t have a go project at the time, and once Gyllenhall finishes filming Source Code for Duncan Jones, he’s got nothing else ready for lensing yet, either. Moreover, the fact that Mangold just came aboard Namath in recent weeks (after it stalled for two years) suggests that it could be warming up for production soon.

Joe Namath is of course the kid from Beaver Falls, PA who rode quarterbacking stints at the University of Alabama under Bear Bryant and the New York Jets (famously guaranteeing victory over the Colts in Super Bowl III) into a literal beaver fall.  Or would it be a figurative beaver fall?  Point is, there were lots of vaginas around.  And probably they were really hairy ones, as that was the style at the time.   Another guy who famously likes hairy vaginas is Mo’Nique’s husband. Where was I?  Right, Joe Namath.  Following his playing career, he again made headlines for trying to kiss sideline reporter Suzy Kolber on live TV and having a nose that resembles a red potato.  Jake Gyllenhaal seems too short and stocky to play him, but one thing they both have in common is sore knees.  Oh right, like you didn’t know I would this into a gay joke somehow.

"Hey, I'm comin' over later, tell your mom not to shower!"

Prince of Persia has a new trailer out and you can tell it’s a Jerry Bruckheimer movie because it rarely goes five seconds with out something falling down.  “Oh my God it’s collapsing! Save me from this elaborate set piece!”

Other than that, it’s your basic hero story: Jake Gyllenhaal is born a poor orphan, but he grows up to wield the powerful weapon all the bad guys want, because of destiny.  One day he meets a hot chick who stands around explaining the plot to him, and together they must take the ring to the fires of mordor blah blah mouthfart wank motion.

[available in higher res at IGN]

The poster for Jerry “Antichrist” Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia is out, and though I was sure they’d go the usual horrendous pun tagline route, it looks like they opted for dentist’s office motivational poster instead.  Nothing against Jake Gyllenhaal, but he’s no hang in there kitty. Nice attempt with the fur, but no overalls, no deal.

[via Planet Disney]

Empire recently posted some new publicity shots from Jerry Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia movie, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, and Ben Kingsley.  I never played the video game, but based on these pictures I assume the object was to try to cultivate flowing sex hair (except for poor Special K who has to compensate with eyeliner).  Heck, I’d even bang the horse.  This looks like it’s going to be for Jake Gyllenhaal what Troy was for Brad Pitt, and everyone’s talking about how buff he got for the role.  But whatever, put this pussy in the ring with me.  I promise I’ll submit him in 30 seconds. With a c*ck choke!  OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!

Hey– who let Jerry O’Bruckheimer into the girl’s locker room?  He looks like the emo-est leprechaun.  So they think they kin take me lucky charms, do they?  We’ll see who has the last laugh once me orthopedic shoes correct me club foot. Until then, I’ll smoke me cloves ‘n take meaninful photographs.