Empire recently posted some new publicity shots from Jerry Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia movie, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, and Ben Kingsley. I never played the video game, but based on these pictures I assume the object was to try to cultivate flowing sex hair (except for poor Special K who has to compensate with eyeliner). Heck, I’d even bang the horse. This looks like it’s going to be for Jake Gyllenhaal what Troy was for Brad Pitt, and everyone’s talking about how buff he got for the role. But whatever, put this pussy in the ring with me. I promise I’ll submit him in 30 seconds. With a c*ck choke! OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!
Hey– who let Jerry O’Bruckheimer into the girl’s locker room? He looks like the emo-est leprechaun. So they think they kin take me lucky charms, do they? We’ll see who has the last laugh once me orthopedic shoes correct me club foot. Until then, I’ll smoke me cloves ‘n take meaninful photographs.
Check it out, guys, the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Prince of Persia has a poster. It’s black and white (or shall we say ‘desaturated’, for you sticklers out there) with a red detail. Gosh, I’ve never seen that before. It’s almost as if Jerry Bruckheimer was a just a hack who rips off other peoples’ crappy ideas. Meanwhile, I made a version of the same poster as envisioned by Frank Miller. Enjoy.
[via Empire - the also have another Prince of Persia poster]
The other day I posted the first trailer for Brothers, the Jake Gyllenhaal, Toby Maguiiire, and Naataaalie Portmaan love triangle movie. Now Cinematical has the poster. “There are two sides… to every family.” And then there’s a big split down the middle of the poster. To reflect how their family has been split apart by war, you see. And NPort gives Eskimo kisses to Tobey’s shoulder. It’s like he was away so long she forgot where his cock is. But Jake didn’t. He knows, and it’s tearing him up inside.
Brothers is a Jim Sheridan-directed remake of the 2004 Danish film Brødre. It stars Jake Gyllenhaal as a hot dude whose brother Tobey Maguire is presumed dead after a tour in Afghanistan. He comforts his dead brother’s wife, Natalie Portman, first with kind words but later with his penis and washboard abs. And that’s when Tobey Maguire shows up - he wasn’t dead after all! Drama! It opens December 4th, and Spike Lee is going to be rightly pissed when he finds out they made a movie called Brothers without a single black dude in it. And it’s got Tobey Maguire instead, which is just adding insult to injury. Tobey Maguire is to being white as Djimon Hounsou is to being black.
Over the weekend, ABC proved that the only thing lamer than the idea of making a movie out of the Prince of Persia video game is listening to Jerry Bruckheimer talk about making a movie out of the Prince of Persia video game. Partial transcript:
ABC: “You mentioned Jake Gyllenhaal, who’s one of Hollywood’s hot young actors. What does he bring to the role.”
SUCKHEIMER: “Well, he’s very handsome. And he’s in fantastic shape. He got in great shape for this movie. And he’s a brilliant actor, which is really what it’s all about.”
Hmm, what it’s all about, you say. And yet he makes the acting part sound like an after thought. ‘Tis curious, no? I’m going to do some Freudian math on the Jerry Bruckheimer movie casting checklist, in order of importance:
1. Is Nic Cage available? If no, then…
2. Hotness
3. Wig-wearing
4-10. Abs
11. Swordfighting
12. Rap
13. Acting talent
