The Internet nearly exploded with nerdy joy when Hulu made the Criterion Collection available for free last weekend. And sure, if you like “critically acclaimed” movies by “esteemed directors,” those films are pretty good. But what about us folk who enjoy the simpler pleasures of a cinematic trainwreck? Maybe a movie featuring an evil lizard king or a crime-fighting Santa Claus? Fortunately, there are literally dozens of Hollywood’s anti-masterpieces available for free every single day on YouTube. Here are 16 awesomely bad movies streaming in unbroken clips that you can watch right now.
Since its release in 2001, the Lance Armstrong autobiography “It’s Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life” was destined to be a feature film. Sony Pictures gobbled up the rights to it and even registered a domain years ago, and it was really just a matter of when. The history of the development is hazy, as Sony kept the whole process pretty quiet. From the onset, Matt Damon was expected to play Armstrong, but Jake Gyllenhaal became best bros with the cyclist and he really wanted the role. Eventually, Gyllenhaal got what he wanted and he was going to play Armstrong.
By 2009, Seabiscuit writer Gary Ross was attached to pen the screenplay and while it’s still uncertain if Armstrong would be played by Damon or Gyllenhaal, it seemed like this puppy was set to dig up a billion dollars at the box office, with Americans forever beaming over the major accomplishments of Armstrong’s career. But someone at Sony had to know that the window was only being held open by a piece of grass, because a decade of doping accusations could eventually come crashing down.
So now people are asking the most important question of all – who cares what will come of the Armstrong biopic? Thankfully, Hollywood has someone who knows everything about EVERYTHING to shout, “TOLDJA SO!” Tell us how it all went down, Nikki Finke.
After the jump, it’s the trailer for End of Watch, starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Peña, from Street Kings director David Ayer – whose name is of course Spanish for “David Yesterday.” It’s sort of a found-footage premise (“the action unfolds entirely through footage from the handheld HD cameras of the police officers, gang members, surveillance cameras, and citizens caught in the line of fire“), but to be honest, I didn’t even notice until I read the synopsis. All I saw was an interracial buddy-cop movie with a Mexican in it, just in time for Cinco De Mayo! (*shoots pistols in the air, passes out under a cactus*) Sadly, it looks to be more Training Day than Lethal Weapon, which is a shame, because everyone knows a Mexican cop doesn’t need a bomb rigged to his toilet to blow it up. Whackety schmackety hacer (*tapdances off stage in pointy boots*).
Fine, Jake, fine. I’ll say it: cool t-shirt. Not many people can pull off “novelty t-shirt,” but you, Mr. Gyllenhaal, clearly have “it.” My only concern is that he looks a little glum. Someone get him a sandwich, that always seems brighten him up.
UPDATE: A few people are calling Photoshop on this one. I was willing to believe it, but taking a closer look, I have to agree with them (the graphic doesn’t follow the contour of the shirt, especially near the crease, and the blacks are darker than anything else in the photo). But let’s have our fun before someone sends me the original as definitive proof.