Hey, you kids remember your old buddy Thor? I liked the first Thor alright. Chris Hemsworth was well cast (other than his shaved chest, which was weird), and I liked that Marvel got Kenneth Branagh to direct, who’s well off the beaten path of the usual directors they hire for these kinds of movies. It turned out passable, except for Jaimie Alexander and her gang of pointless characters, or whatever they were called. Now there’s a sequel, Thor: The Dark World, with direction by some no-named called Alan Taylor. I did a lot of research on this, and it turns out the bad guy is a big black thing, and Natalie Portman is sad because all the other girls hate her in Viking heaven. Something like that. I dunno, man, it looks really boring.
A Maniac in a Fartmobile: Reflections on Arnold, January Movies, and Metallica
Look, I know, it’s January. Reviewing a movie released in January is like trying to write a restaurant review about a package of Skittles. January is the Spanx under which movie studios hide their most embarrassing, flabby attempts at profit. You might as well have to sign a terms and conditions agreement on the way in, promising not to expect much or think about the film beyond something to occasionally grunt at while you hork down a paint bucket of cola. But fine, I like dumb things. Pass me the tack hammer and hit me with your finest catchphrase.
Lionsgate did their best to build buzz around The Last Stand like it was a real movie, hiring culty Korean director Kim Jee-woon (The Good, the Bad, the Weird) and sending Arnold Schwarzenegger on a goodwill tour that included a Reddit AMA and tank rides for Los Angeles film writers at a junket-carnival. But nothing Lionsgate can do will paper over the giant flashing light that says “PAYCHECK! PAYCHECK! PAYCHECK!” once the movie begins. The Last Stand plays like a commercial for a videogame meets a commercial for a car meets a trailer for “Arnold Schwarzenegger: Movie Star.” It’s both too dumb and not dumb enough.
Today we have the trailer for The Last Stand, Korean director Kim Jee-woon’s US directorial debut starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, co-starring Johnny Knoxville, FilmDrunk BFF Jaimie Alexander, and Karl Hungus (Peter Stormare). The best part? I was able to obtain Arnold Schwarzenegger’s exclusive future DVD commentary.
Da screen. It’s green. Vhy is da screen green? Oh, it’s stahting. Okay, now heah you see da poleez men, dey ah blocking da road. Da Poleezman ah blocking da road because da criminal is coming, and da poleezmen, dey don’t want da criminal to get out becuss den dey will get avay. Okay, so now ve see da criminals, and da are carrying da guns, becuss dey want to break trough da barricade dat da poleez haff made. Dey don’t want da poleez men to catch dem, and dey ah breenging gunz becuss dey want to shoot da poleezmen and make dem moof out uf da way so zat dey can break trough it ant get away from dem. Oh, dey ah also vearing masks so dat da poleez men cannot see deir face. …Okay now dey ah shooting. Ouch! …I like da way dey broke trough dem there.
Okay, now heah I am een da dinah, becauz I am retiyahd, and I am telling da man ‘should be a qufiet zeekend,’ because I am retiyahd and dat’s vhat I am expecting da veekend to be like. And heah is me answering da phone. ‘Deah is a situasin,’ he is saying. …And heah I am drifing. I am drifing da… da.. vhat is it called? Da coahvette! Yes. I am drifing da coahvette ant it is spinning… And heah I am, I am gifing my badge to da man. I gif my badge to da man becuss I am about to do somesing crazy. …”Old,” ha ha, dat is funny. An da people ah looking at me like “Who eez dis guy?”
And heah I jump off da beelding. I am jumping off da beelding but I use da bad guy for da cooshin. Ow! And heah I am shooting… Pretty much da whole rest of dis I am shooting.
After a seven-year hiatus (not counting his Expendables cameo) that saw him govern a state, and fill all his maids full of jizz (ALL ZA TIME I AM CUMMING!), Arnold Schwarzenegger is back doing movies. This morning he tweeted this picture from the set of Kim Jee-Woon‘s The Last Stand. From left, that’s Luis Guzmán (one of my favorite character actors of all time), Johnny Knoxville, the Austrian Oak himself, and FilmDrunk Fan Club President Jaimie Alexander (lookin’ good, miss lady!). I like to imagine Luis Guzmán keeps pronouncing her name “High-may.”
Schwarzenegger stars as Sheriff Owens, a man who has resigned himself to a life of fighting what little crime takes place in sleepy border town Sommerton Junction after leaving his LAPD post following a bungled operation that left him wracked with failure and defeat after his partner was crippled. After a spectacular escape from an FBI prisoner convoy, the most notorious, wanted drug kingpin in the hemisphere is hurtling toward the border at 200 mph in a specially outfitted car with a hostage and a fierce army of gang members. He is headed, it turns out, straight for Summerton Junction, where the whole of the U.S. law enforcement will have their last opportunity to make a stand and intercept him before he slips across the border forever. At first reluctant to become involved, and then counted out because of the perceived ineptitude of his small town force, Owens ultimately accepts responsibility for one of the most daring face offs in cinema history. [ComingSoon]
Resigned former cop… escaped drug kingpin… Wait, is the hostage Arnold’s niece, daughter, or wife? I think the stakes would be higher if it was someone with whom he used to eat ice cream and feed deer in the forest. Communicated in flashback, of course. And also, if Jason Statham could be the drug kingpin, and the “specially outfitted car” a flash sazz wagon, this would combine literally everything that I like.
Well it looks like I’m writing about this again (sorry in advance). Jaimie Alexander was on Attack of the Show last night, and ooh la la, my ears are burning! The part where she gets asked about FilmDrunk stars at 4:20. “They said something about me being a bulimic model. And it was one of those things where it was like, you’re not really a comic book fan, you’re not this, you’re not that, and I was like, listen, I had to mention Star Wars and comic books on Kimmel as a segue because I really wanted to do my Chewbacca impression… But yeah, ask me anything, and if you piss me off, I might cut your throat.”
“HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING DISINGENUOUS! WHY, LAST TIME SOMEONE DID THAT I KICKED HIM OVER THE MOON!” She later said that I’m “probably a nice guy” though, so that was cool (full disclosure: I totes am!). Of course, I never called her a “bulimic model”, nor did I say she wasn’t a comic book fan, because… I don’t care. I was just pointing out the cliché and making fun of “And I like Star Wars, so I’m basically geek squared.” (Which deserved to be made fun of). But hey, it was all worth it to hear that Chewbacca impression, right? I’d never have made fun of your talk show clichés if I’d known you liked pizza and beer.