At a time when thousands of African children are dying every day from Bieber fever, Paramount has irresponsibly decided to release the trailer for the 3D film about his life and work.  Never Say Never combines home movies with backstage, concert, and interview footage to tell the story of how, through hard work and dedication, this charmed-life 16-year-old was able to succeed against the enormous odds stacked against him, and become a world-famous pop star before he reached puberty.  From the title cards:

THEY SAID IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN…
THEY SAID HE WOULD NEVER MAKE IT…
BUT YOU NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING…

The kid’s been famous since he was 14. Who is this ‘They’?  And where does he get off saying “never?”  At 16, I sometimes worried I’d “never” get pubes. Now look at me. It’s like I sat on a chow dog’s head.

This is an official publicity still. I'm assuming that's the director, but I'm not going to look it up.

Sidenote: Why is Jaden Smith in this?  If he was there to teach J-Beebz basketball, it was a complete failure:

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Ahh, reminds me of my own childhood.

Game over, man, game over.

M. Night Shyamalan is in Hollywood this week putting together his next directorial effort, but it won’t be the secret untitled project he shopped around in June. That script, which came with Bruce Willis, Bradley Cooper and Gwyneth Paltrow loosely attached, never found a buyer and was quietly shelved. [*frownie face*]
Sources are saying Shyamalan is developing an ultra clandestine sci-fi project titled “One Thousand A. E.” at Smith’s Overbrook production company. It would star Smith’s son, Jaden, who headlined the hit remake of “Karate Kid.” There is a key role for a male adult, although sources said Will Smith is not taking it on. As was also the case with recent film “The Last Airbender,” Shyamalan did not write “A.E.” [sic. Shyamalan DID write Airbender, I assume he means Devil, which Shyamalan neither wrote nor directed, but still doomed by putting his name on all the trailers and posters. -Ed.] That honor goes to Gary Whitta, who wrote “The Book of Eli” and a Kurt Russell project in development called “Undying.” [THR]

It’s so nice to see Jaden Smith getting more movie roles.  But you know what they say, if the Smith kids owe their success to anything, it’s… HARD WORK.

Willow Smith has confessed that she is proud of herself for having secured a record deal at such a young age.
“It felt like all the hard work paid off, mostly that,” she told MTV News about the signing.
“Like all the hard work that I’ve done, like recording ‘Whip My Hair’ – it’s paid off.” [DigitalSpy]

I know, I know, it’s probably unfair take an out-of-context-quote and use it against a 9-year-old.  She’s 9, she doesn’t know any better.  But hey, I’m not the one who named her after myself and had her make a music video like a f*cking sociopath.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Which father/offspring duo are the best actors?

Ugh, is there anyone in Hollywood as nauseating as Will Smith and family?

TOKYO (AFP) – Hollywood star Will Smith said he advised his 12-year-old son Jaden to keep his lips closed in a screen kiss in the remake of “The Karate Kid”, warning him that otherwise he would “look like a whale”.
“Try not to keep your mouth open,” is what Smith, who produced the movie, advised his son — although he added that it was his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, who first gave him the tip during shooting of the 2008 film “Seven Pounds”.
On the big screen, “if you open your mouth too much, you look like a whale,” Smith told a Tokyo press conference Thursday.
“It kind of looks like you’re trying to eat the person instead of kissing them,” he added before demonstrating his message by locking lips with his wife.
Jaden drew laughs when he cheekily replied to his dad: “I think it would be a good idea to keep your mouth shut.”
Smith said shooting the movie was a character-building experience for his son, telling the press conference: “Jackie and I really viewed this time with Jaden as essentially to teach him how to hunt.
“This was not just about making a movie or about becoming an actor. This was about becoming a respectable positive young man that has value to the world. In order to do that, you can only do that through blood, sweat and tears.” [AP]

Blood, sweat, tears, and sneakers with pictures of yourself on them was what he must’ve been trying to say.  Will Smith’s family are like the a-holes who drive around the subdivision in a shiny minivan with a bumper sticker that says “my kid received the cuddles award at Queefsbury Junior High!” and send you a Christmas newsletter that regales you with stories of all the things they’ve accomplished over the past year. “Janie is attending her first softball camp and she thinks it’s just peachy!  Billy decided he likes peas!”

Keep smiling, d*ckhead, we’ll find your rape dungeon eventually.

If not putting your whole hand in your pocket is cool, Bieber and Jaden are Davis and Coltrane.

Precious, booger-lipped wiener kids everywhere breathed a sigh of relief into their gilded inhalers this week as Jaden Smith proved that children of celebrities can succeed, so long as their parents buy them Jackie Chan.  Or, to put it in plain English, The Karate Kid earned $56 six million godd*mned dollars this week.  If you vote with your pocketbook, the American moviegoer overwhelmingly checked the box next to “I hate Jesus, America, puppies, and ice cream.”

While Karate Kid was making twice what the studio had predicted, The A-Team underperformed almost as much.  It earned $26 million for the weekend, which, in and of itself isn’t horrible, but as Deadline says:

That’s embarrassing for what was supposed to be the start of another franchise and a nailbiter between the two opening movies. It turned out not even close. ”A pretty spectacular win,” one Sony exec exulted. “Not even Jerry Weintraub predicted that.”

Man, who would’ve thought a crappy-TV-show-based film that went through eleven screenwriters wouldn’t be a huge hit, huh?  I tell you, it’s a strange time to be alive.  Hey, assh*les, even McDonald’s had to make sure people liked their burgers before they started thinking franchise.  But let’s not let the A-Team detract from the real news: the era of celeb karaoke has officially upon us.  Thanks, Will and Jaden Smith, you’ve ruined everything for everyone.  I can’t wait until Tom Hanks’ kid gets to be a movie star now.  …Wait, what?  Aw crap.

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I always assumed Jaden Smith just woke up one day yelling “DADDY! DADDY! BUY ME A MOVIE!” and had his wish granted.  But a recent interview with his Karate Kid director, Harold Zwart contained an interesting quote, one raising the possibility that maybe Jaden Smith isn’t so much spoiled as he is exploited, like Michael Jackson, or one of those bears you hit with a stick until they ride a unicycle.  From a recent interview with ComingSoon:

CS: Was any of the training we see in the movie based in real martial arts training and did Jackie consult with that at all?

Zwart: Actually, the training he does in the movie was modeled after the actual training he had to go through. So I was up there every day standing there with Will watching [martial arts instructor] Wu Gong with his foot on Jaden’s back to make his legs go deeper and we see this tear running down his cheek, and Will and I were looking at each other going, “How can that not be in the movie?” (Laughs) We shot almost all of that on video and we made a pre-vis of the actual training and that’s how I blocked the training in the movie, it’s based on real training.

Hahahaha, the little kid cried when the Chinaman stood on his back and hit him with sticks! Classic!  It’s funny because he hates being forced to work!  I always love a good victim-cries-a-single-tear story.  We call that the Indian Chief tear.  I kid, I kid.  Look, no one said raising a successful child star isn’t a gamble.  Sure, maybe he slits your throat in your sleep one night, but maybe he becomes a big star and works himself to death in his 30s and you get to keep all his money.  The kid’s 11, right?  You always double down on 11.