"Reedo boy go away! Stay out my store!"

The Jaden Smith/Jackie Chan Karate Kid remake was partially financed by the Chinese government (see: China Film Group Corps) and went on to gross $360 million worldwide, so why wouldn’t they want to make another one? The entire enterprise was the shameless sequel’s greatest success story. It was set in China and starred famous Kung Fu practitioner Jackie Chan, and they STILL called it KARATE Kid. Now Sony has wrangled poor Zak Penn (X-Men 2, Incredible Hulk), who’s probably a talented screenwriter, to do more of their dirty work. The Republicans bitch about China owning our economy every six minutes, and not one peep about this? Come on, guys, there’s low-hanging fruit here. Snatch the low-hanging fruit from this 12-year-old African-American boy– okay I probably could’ve worded this better.

Columbia Pictures has tapped “The Incredible Hulk” scribe Zak Penn to rewrite its untitled sequel to 2010′s surprise hit “The Karate Kid.”
Ethan Reiff and Cyrus Voris were hired to write a sequel just weeks after director Harald Zwart’s “Karate Kid” reboot took in $55.6 million domestically over its opening weekend. China-set pic went on to gross $359 million worldwide.
While plot details remain under wraps, original stars Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan are expected to reprise their roles, though no deals are currently in place. [Variety]

Phew, thank goodness, I don’t know what I’d do if Jaden Smith didn’t return. I just love it when famous people use their children as an extension of their personal fashion sense. Yo go, Will! You’ve imbued your progeny with such “swag!” Would that ALL of our children could one day wear sneakers with their own pictures on the side. Bullying would end, self-esteem would reign, and we’d all follow our dreams and groove in one groovy drum circle. I hope this trend continues, and three or four years from now we get to see Sly Stallone’s granddaughter, Dakota Lundgren, and Mickey Rourke’s dog in The Expendablets.

Jackie Chan is a happy-go-lucky movie star, so it’s no surprise that he gets a lot of endorsement deals, especially in his native China, where he’s their most-recognized celebrity.  But it seems he’s not particular enough about what he puts his name on, and lately, so many Chan-endorsed products have been failing that some people are saying that Chan is like a reverse King Midas, where instead of gold, everything he touches turns to TOILET POISON.

When news broke last month that an anti- hair-loss shampoo he promoted allegedly contained carcinogens, Chinese cyberspace and media were buzzing about the “Jackie Chan curse.”

Anti-hair-loss shampoo contained carcinogens, huh?  Gotta love China.  Here in America, celebrities like Jimmy Johnson are free to endorse transparent snake-oil products like pills to make your boners bigger with no repercussions, but hey, at least the pills aren’t made out of rat’s milk and factory runoff.

Consider the auto repair school that Chan plugged to aspiring Chinese mechanics: It became enmeshed in a diploma scandal [you mean your Chinese mechanic school diploma is FAKE? The dastard!]. Another of his sponsors, a maker of video compact discs, went bankrupt and saw its manager jailed for fraud. An educational computer that Chan pitched to children called the Subor Learning Machine flopped. And a cola he quaffed named Fenhuang fizzled. [ALLITERATION, the reporter later added.]
More recently, an air-conditioner brand that Chan promoted was hit by a report that one of its units exploded. Media wags couldn’t resist invoking the Jackie jinx.

“He has become the coolest spokesperson in history,” said an editorial in Oriental Guardian, a Nanjing newspaper. “A man who can destroy anything.”

Few know whether Chan actually uses the shampoo, called BaWang, which its manufacturer claims keeps hair roots strong and black.

CHAN: Dis hair root on regurah shampoo! (*cut to tired, mangy dog falling asleep in the mud*)  Now!  Dis a your hair root onna BaWang! (*cut to Jaden Smith karate kicking through board*)  BaWang! Strong and brack!

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I thought we needed a nice palate cleanser after all that Will-Smith’s-son-makes-more-in-a-weekend-than-you’ll-make-your-entire-life news this morning, and Black 20 has come through yet again with another fine mashup, “Jackie Chan Hates Karate Kids.”  It’s basically a literal interpretation of my decree from last week, “Karate Kid would be better if it was just Jackie Chan beating up kids for two hours.”  Yeah, that’s right, I called something I wrote a decree.  I chiseled it onto a stone tablet while I was on the sh*tter.  Anyway, point is, it’s fun to watch kids getting beat up, because kids are obnoxious and lack upper-body strength, like women.

[via IGN]

I always assumed Jaden Smith just woke up one day yelling “DADDY! DADDY! BUY ME A MOVIE!” and had his wish granted.  But a recent interview with his Karate Kid director, Harold Zwart contained an interesting quote, one raising the possibility that maybe Jaden Smith isn’t so much spoiled as he is exploited, like Michael Jackson, or one of those bears you hit with a stick until they ride a unicycle.  From a recent interview with ComingSoon:

CS: Was any of the training we see in the movie based in real martial arts training and did Jackie consult with that at all?

Zwart: Actually, the training he does in the movie was modeled after the actual training he had to go through. So I was up there every day standing there with Will watching [martial arts instructor] Wu Gong with his foot on Jaden’s back to make his legs go deeper and we see this tear running down his cheek, and Will and I were looking at each other going, “How can that not be in the movie?” (Laughs) We shot almost all of that on video and we made a pre-vis of the actual training and that’s how I blocked the training in the movie, it’s based on real training.

Hahahaha, the little kid cried when the Chinaman stood on his back and hit him with sticks! Classic!  It’s funny because he hates being forced to work!  I always love a good victim-cries-a-single-tear story.  We call that the Indian Chief tear.  I kid, I kid.  Look, no one said raising a successful child star isn’t a gamble.  Sure, maybe he slits your throat in your sleep one night, but maybe he becomes a big star and works himself to death in his 30s and you get to keep all his money.  The kid’s 11, right?  You always double down on 11.

(“Stay out my store! How may time I tew you? Riddo brack boy stay deess side wall unress you wan’ buy!”)

It’s less than a week before we get to see Will Smith’s son play dress up with millions of dollars of studio money, and the studio has released a final trailer (watch it below).  Finally, it’s the version of the Karate Kid starring an annoying, whiny 11-year-old you always wanted.

12-year-old Dre Parker (Smith) could’ve been the most popular kid in Detroit, but his mother’s (Henson) latest career move has landed him in China. Dre immediately falls for his classmate Mei Ying—and the feeling is mutual—but cultural differences make such a friendship impossible [no boom-boom with soul brudda!  soul brudda too beaucoup!]. Even worse, Dre’s feelings make an enemy of the class bully, Cheng. In the land of kung fu, Dre knows only a little karate, and Cheng puts “the karate kid” on the floor with ease [looks like they solved that little karate/kung fu problem, didn't they]. With no friends in a strange land, Dre has nowhere to turn but maintenance man Mr. Han (Chan), who is secretly a master of kung fu.

Gosh, sure I hope he gets the girl.  It’d be a real shame if an 11-year-old boy didn’t find a Chinese chick to play jacks with or whatever.  Last time I found myself rooting for two 11-year-olds to fall in love, I was partying at Roman Polanski’s chalet.  Anyway, the only way this massive hunk of sh*t could be any good is if three fourths of the movie was Jackie Chan beating up fifth graders.

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