"I can't believe people will pay to see this again!"

It’s awfully fitting that during the same week that I started writing my feature for the Worst Movies of 2011, the studio that gave us my choice for the Worst Movie of 2010 has announced that it wants a sequel. Sony has decided that the story of five childhood friends who reunite at a lake house after their lives had led them apart was worthy of another chapter despite having no plot point to continue. I watched Grown Ups – twice – and the only thought I had at the end was: “They should have stayed apart.”

I don’t need to guess why they’re trying to make this sequel. On a budget of $80 million, the original grossed $271 million worldwide. That’s good enough to make it the highest-grossing Happy Madison film in the history of a company founded on bad actors meeting Sandler at comedy clubs. In fact, it was so successful that Sandler purchased matching Maseratis for his co-stars, David Spade, Chris Rock, Kevin James and Rob Schneider.

So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Sony wants another tug on the teat of Sandler’s cash cow. However, according to Variety and my prayers, Sandler isn’t signed on for anything. Yet.

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Funny, this is my idea to punish Adam Sandler.

In Theaters Everywhere: Jack and Jill, J. Edgar, The Immortals

FilmDrunk Armond White Suggests: Jack and Jill, of course. It gravitates toward the median of brilliance and esoteric mental orgasmic sincerity. Jack is Jill. Jill is Jack. We are Jack. We are Jill. This movie is the centric positivity and balance that we need to forge ethnic dissipation. Plus, fat white chick.

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It’d be easy for me and cathartic for us all to curate a collection of the most scathing, hateful responses to Adam Sandler’s new movie, Jack & Jill, which you knew were coming from the moment we all saw the first trailer. Trust me, they didn’t disappoint. The actual NY Post headline for their review is “Adam & Heave.”

But what’s even more interesting to me are the moments where the critics are desperately trying to think of something good to say, solely in the interests of fairness, and yet their true, incandescent hatred still bleeds through, like the best passive-aggressive exchange with your boss.  That’s how the Plot Recreated with Reviews game was born, where I use faux-expository quotes from critics’ reviews to recreate the plot of a movie they all despised. It’s fun! But before I start, perhaps my favorite passive-aggressive-y quote:

Also amusing are the film’s opening and ending credit sequences, which collect a wide variety of real-life twins to talk about their relationship, and to tease each other the way only siblings can.
Unfortunately, in between those scenes — and apart from Pacino’s lip-smacking performance — you’re still left with an Adam Sandler movie, with all that entails.

Take out the expository details, and you’ve got “the credits were nice.” I love that. Anyway, let’s get to the game:

In “Jack and Jill,” as in “Grown Ups” (both directed by Dennis Dugan), Sandler plays a guy with a more or less perfect life — cute kids, cool job, big house, hot wife — who is grievously annoyed by people variously defined as losers. This expansive category includes anyone who can be mocked for reasons of hygiene, physical appearance or ethnic background, though at the last minute, just to prove what a nice guy he is, Mr. Sandler will substitute condescension for contempt. (AO Scott, NY Times)

Oh dammit, AO Scott, you always ruin this game. Let’s start over.

Sandler plays Los Angeles ad man, who has a sister who still lives in the Bronx. She comes to visit for Thanksgiving, and drives him crazy. (Newark Star Ledger)

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I was in the middle of writing up one of my Plot-Recreated-With-Scathing-Reviews posts for Jack & Jill (currently sitting at 2% on Rottentomatoes, and only because of a pretty loose interpretation of what constitutes a “fresh” rating), when I came across Armond White’s glowing review in CityArts, in which he called it “hilarious” and compared it to Ernst Lubitsch (ISN’T IT OBVIOUS, PROLES?). I’ll provide the Armond White-to-English translation for you in a second, but before I do, I think it deserves an explanation. Yes, Armond White is probably trolling you. At the same time, his brand of militant contrarianism is actually kind of refreshing when compared to some of the over-the-top, torch-and-pitchfork shit you read from the conventional critics. For instance, here’s a snip from AO Scott’s New York Times review:

Mr. Sandler, done up in frumpy, bargain-shopper drag as Jill, gives full and relentless voice to the woman-hatred that has always propelled his infantile shtick.

Really, dude, “woman-hatred?” Does that also explain Opera Man, and Happy Gilmore? We get it, you don’t like farts, but not every batch of lousy pancakes is a fascist conspiracy. I bring this up in introduction to Armond White as a way to say that, while Armond White may not be the Armond White this city wants, he’s the Armond White this city needs.

Now then, let’s get to it.

Adam Sandler’s comedies are not “dumb fun”; maybe that’s why they’re not in critics’ favor.

“CRITICS LOVE DUMB FUN! NOT IN A MILLION YEARS COULD THEY HOPE TO APPRECIATE THE WITHERING SOCIAL CRITIQUE OF THE SANDLERIAN MILIEU!  EVERYTHING YOU EVER THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT THE WORLD IS WRONG!”

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This Week: The Rum Diary, Steven Spielberg’s War Horse, Adam Sandler in drag, and more.

(click to enlarge)

The newest Rum Diary poster looks a liiiittle closer to the tone of the book, but it still seems… I don’t know… cutesy (“he’s only wearing one sock, lol!”). But I don’t know what I expected. At some point, we’ve all got to face that they’re not going to put a girl getting gang raped on the poster. Also, I realize this wouldn’t be accurate to the source material, but it’d be awesome if Johnny Depp was wearing that big lizard tail from Fear and Loathing. And if anyone knows where I can get one of those, please, inquire within. I don’t have money, but I’m willing to barter. (*bats eyes, tries to do sexy dance, trips over cat*)

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