"So then if she yanks on it while she's tonguing your butt, that's called a 'rusty trombone.'"

According to Vulture, Jon Favreau has just told Marvel that he won’t be directing Iron Man 3.  This should come as no surprise to anyone who read the writing on the wall.  No, not “No Fat Chicks” and your sister’s phone number, I mean the rumors of a Marvel/Favreau beef that have been going around since this summer.  The scuttlebutt was that Marvel pressured Favreau into including that whole Avengers subplot in Iron Man 2, and Favreau resented them for it. True or not, that scene with the Captain America shield was really stupid.

One informed source hears that [Favreau] was frustrated with Marvel’s urge to stuff more of their in-house heroes into the next film in the wake of The Avengers. In a recent interview with MTV News, Favreau explained that based on his conversations with Marvel Studios executives, he had no clarity as to what a third Iron Man film would even be about. “In theory, Iron Man 3 is going to be a sequel or continuation of Thor, Hulk, Captain America and Avengers,” said Favreau at the time, “This whole world … I have no idea what it is. I don’t think they do either, from conversations I’ve had with those guys.”

Still other industry insiders look at Favreau’s growing price tag and speculate that he was getting too expensive for the frugal Marvel and its equally cost-conscious parent company, Disney. In fact, one Hollywood player familiar with Marvel’s playbook theorizes that the company had been pushing a confusing and packed vision of the third film as a tactic to provoke Favreau into leaving the project.

Whoa, settle down there, Captain Conspiracy, it turns out there were a couple Jews in the second tower.

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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out when I was a kid but still sell a buttload of toys, which is why you hear Hollywood announce a new Ninja Turtles project every six months or so.  The last movie was WB’s CGI TMNT in 2007 (remember when New Kids on the Block tried to reinvent themselves as NKOTB?  On second thought, forget I said that.).  Viacom acquired the rights earlier this year, and in May it was announced that Michael Bay’s company, Platinum Dunes, would be producing the latest version. Now the word is that Paramount has hired Iron Man writers Art Marcum and Matt Holloway to write it, paying them ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

“The studio is looking at this as its next huge franchise, like Transformers,” a source just told me. Paramount’s Adam Goodman is fast-tracking and wants a first draft by October for a 2012 release.  Marcum and Holloway shared credit on Marvel’s Iron Man and just wrote the Highlander reboot for Summit, which will start shooting next year under helmer Justin Lin whose Fast And Furious 5 is filming right now for Universal.
The speed is understandable since Viacom Inc’s Nickelodeon acquired the rights to the property for $60 million, in partnership with sister company Paramount Pictures. [Deadline]

Much as I like Iron Man, the script was the least of the reasons why.  In fact, last I heard from Jeff Bridges, Iron Man didn’t even really have a script.

“They had no script, man!” Bridges exclaims [see? I told you].

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Typical. Every jetski party has one black guy.

Though the news is everywhere now, it looks like it was Salon who first broke word (based on an interview with the actor himself) that handsome British guy Dominic Cooper would be playing the younger version of Howard Stark (Robert Downey Jr.’s Dad) in Captain America, which is partially set in World War II.  Cooper is probably best known for playing the part Chris Klein should’ve gotten in Mamma Mia, but was also in The Duchess, which I’ve heard is the second most popular dorm room blacklight poster behind Boondock Saints.

As anyone who’s seen Iron Man 2 should know, it seems that Tony Stark’s Dad Howard plays a crucial part in the expanding Marvel ‘verse. Plus, given that he was around during World War Two and involved in the creation of clandestine government agency S.H.I.E.L.D., it’s very unsurprising that he’ll pop up in Captain America: The First Avenger. We’ve seen him twice on screen already of course (played by Gerard Sanders in the first Iron Man, John Slattery in the second), but here we’ll see a younger version.
If he does nab the role, he’ll be joining Chris Evans (as Cap), Hugo Weaving (as the nefarious Red Skull) and Sebastian Stan (as Bucky – the totally straight sidekick) in Joe Johnston’s WW2-set comic movie. [TotalFilm]

I just hope he’s actually important to the Captain America story and isn’t like Captain America’s shield was in Iron Man 2.  Oh my gosh, look, it’s Captain America’s shield!  And he just had it lying around in his workshop!  This is so great.  Seeing references to future films gets me especially excited when they’re not relevant to the current scene in any way.

Nick Fury never goes anywhere without Nick Furry.

Back in February of last year, news broke that Samuel L. Jackson signed a mother f*cking huge deal with mother f*cking Marvel Studios to play the Nick Fury character in nine films. So far his eyepatch has popped up in the first two Iron Man installments and it’s been confirmed that he’ll appear in The Mighty Thor, Captain America, and the Avengers movie. We can now add Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. to the list, according to Jackson.

I would assume that Sammy J. has a pretty good idea of what films are included in this contract, because there is no way in heck – heck, I tell you! – that he’d just sign on to do a project and just throw caution to the wind. Not the star of The Spirit, Jumper, The Man, both xXx movies, SWAT, Changing Lanes, Deep Blue Sea, Sphere… *blacks out*

GIVE US THE MOTHER F*CKING NEWS, CINEMATICAL:

According to Mr. Jackson: “The Avengers should start shooting some time next year, and then some time after that there’ll be a big S.H.I.E.L.D. movie.” There’s some skepticism that Jackson could know of such a thing when the same interview shows he doesn’t know his Marvel cinematic universe very well — he wasn’t up to date on who is playing Captain America or Thor.

Big whoop. I have no clue who is playing Thor, and I’m trying my hardest to forget Chris Evans is alive. We can make fun of Sam all we want for his whorish script selections, but a Nick Fury movie is his one choice that leaves me scratching my head. It’s not that the plot is terrible or there aren’t a lot of options, but this movie has been done before. And not only has it been done, it’s been done by a legend:

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War Machine, who’ll be played by Don Cheadle, promises to get ample screen time in Iron Man 2, which opens in May.  But Anthony Le here didn’t need to wait for the movie to come out before he built his own War Machine costume and made the bitches swoon.  It’s funny, the line “kiss my helmet” never used to work for me.  But then, mine was mandated by the doctor to correct my misshapen skull as I grew.  Ah, high school.  Anyway, you can check out the specs over at the Superherohype forums

It should be noted that Le claims he still needs to add additional hardware like “replusor gauntlets” before it’s complete.  That’s right, it’s not even finished yet and he’s already an unstoppable chick magnet.  So if you want to keep your girlfriend, you’d be wise to steer clear of the Talbot’s in Denver.  “Hello, police?  There’s a guy in a metal suit on a rampage.  Yeah, come quick, I’m pinned down behind the floral scarves.”