My first acquaintance with my friend Brendan’s mom came in college, while listening to Brendan’s side of a phone conversation in which he reluctantly promised to wear the protective goggles she’d bought to protect him in the event the toilet bowl bleach she’d also recently bought for the apartment splashed in his eyes while he was using it.  Needless to say, she’s comedy gold.  She also writes movie reviews.  Hence this new feature, “Brendan’s Mom Reviews.”  And no, this isn’t an alter ego of mine.

Up in the Air:
“Up in the Air”  draws you in from the beginning – George Clooney has charisma (at least for us older ladies) and the two main women characters,  who are wonderful,  are unknowns, so they you don’t have any offscreen romance/divorce/rehab issues to  distract from their performances… maybe for those two that remains in their futures… anyhoo, the movie chronicles the Clooney’s character’s smugness with his rootless and relationshipless lifestyle until he has that “AHA” moment, and it’s not what you think….

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(“Shirtless MMMATTT DAAAMON.”  /obligatory)

Clint Eastwood is a hell of a director, but he gives himself quite a task in Invictus.  He has to give us enough background on the complex history and politics of a place where even the national anthem is in five languages, just for the contemporary American audience to understand it, let alone care.  Then, after he’s sufficiently familiarized us  with the complex racial dynamic in post-apartheid South Africa, which has just elected a dynamic speaker with no governing experience to its highest office (relevant!), he has to prove to us that a sport is relevant. And not just a regular sport either, a sport that to most Americans, just looks like a bunch of burly white guys trying to stick their heads up each other’s butts.  *furiously masturbating* Oh, and there’s also the matter of explaining how the South Africa Springboks apparently went from laughingstock to World Cup contender in less than a year with no significant personnel changes. (a montage?)

You catch all that?  Don’t worry, the expository dialog should bring you up to speed.  Exchanges like: “The New Zealand team will be doing the Haka.”
“You mean the traditional Maori war chant?  Yes, thees ees a prrroblem.”

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Pretty boring box office this weekend.  The two new big releases were Princess and the Frog and Invictus.  Princess pulled in $25 million for first place, while Clint Eastwood’s Invictus landed in third with a disappointing $9 million.  It’s just that Americans don’t understand foreign countries or foreign sports.  What’s rugby?  How do the children learn to play if Sandra Bullock doesn’t teach them?  It was all a bit confusing for old Clint, who simply blamed the gooks.

Meanwhile, The Blind Side is officially a phenomenon, landing at number two with $15.4 million and passing $150 million overall.  Four weeks in and it’s still playing, while New Moon, which opened the same weekend, has fallen to fourth. It’s even close to passing 2012 in cumulative gross.  Clearly this is a sign that President Obummer should reduce the tax burden on rich white families so that they can afford to adopt more black kids to play football for their alma mater.  What’s the problem?  Everyone wins.

Elsewhere, Old Dogs has made almost $40 million so far and holy crap who is seeing this movie. If it was any more blatantly designed for stupid people, Tom Bergeron would be narrating.  Full top ten below.

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(“IN AFRIKKA, IT’S ‘BLING BANG!’”)

Opening this weekend:

The Princess and the Frog
Disney tries to promote diversity with a 2D-animated story of a frog prince and a black girl from New Orleans, black people only reminded of that shuckin’ and jivin’ WB frog.

Invictus
Clint Eastwood directs Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela and Matt Damon as the captain of the South African rugby team in the story of how he killed 100 gooks with his bare hands.  I’m telling you, there were dead gooks stacked as high as a gook.

Limited release:

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Oscar bait, anyone?  This is the trailer for Invictus, directed by Clint Eastwood, starring beloved actor Morgan Freeman as beloved leader of South Africa Nelson Mandela. Hoping to unite his country in the wake of apartheid, Mandela calls on Springboks captain Francois Pienaar (Mmmatt Daaaamon) to get the country behind their rugby team during the 1995 World Cup hosted by South Africa.  It’s basically Cinderella Team, or District 9 without the aliens.

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