Charlie Sheen is still doing interviews, and mother of God, it just gets better and better.  I don’t even know what to add to this.  Let’s just get quickly to the quotes, because this man is on fire. Some of the ordinance dropped to the ground from the F-18 of his brain include:

“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’” It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”

Charlie is far too humble to come right out and say that he has a magical space brain, but the implication is clear.  Duly noted.

“Some are saying that you’re bipolar.”
“Wow.  What does that mean? I’m bi-WINNING.”

Don’t be humble, Charlie.  Bi-winning implies he only has two ways to win, when in reality, the methods are infinite.  Charlie’s space brain allows him to win infinitely in four dimensions.  Oh sorry, I already beat bipolarity 600 years ago and have been partying with hotties and dinosaurs on my yacht.  Winning.  We murder people.  In the infowars.

Tell me about the last time you took drugs.
I probably took more than anyone could survive.  I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll.  I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.

How do you survive that?
Because I’m me.  I’m different. I have a different brain, I have a different heart… I got tiger blood, man.

TIGER’S BLOOD!  I ARRIVED HERE ON AN ASTEROID AND WAS NURSED BACK TO HEALTH BY MICHAEL BAY, WHICH GIVES ME SPECIAL DRUG POWERS! I HAVE THE HEART OF A SHARK THAT I REMOVED WITH MY BARE HANDS AND TRANSPLANTED MYSELF!
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Yesterday at Sundance, during roundtable interviews for Cedar Rapids (another solid comedy from Miguel Arteta, review to come), I got the chance to talk to veteran character actor Isiah Whitlock Jr. He plays Ronald Wilks in the film, but is probably most famous for his role as Senator Clay Davis in The Wire.  Me being the internet jackass that I am, my first question was about the strange type of fame that comes with being a phenomenon amongst internet jackasses.  You can hear the exchange in the clip above (full transcript below), but here’s the short answer to the question “how often do people on the street come up and do your ‘sheeeeit’ line from The Wire?”

“It’s rare that I go a day without someone doing it.”

He seems to be a good sport about the whole thing, saying, “You put it out there, you gotta be prepared to deal with it.”

Which is good, because he seems like he could cut a man in half with his masculine baritone.  (He does the line at 2:08 of the interview. Listen as the assembled reporters try to stifle our squeals of delight). The best part of the interview came later, when I asked him what question he’s most sick of hearing during press tours.  His answer was polite and diplomatic, but the basic gist of it was, “People mostly ask me stupid sh*t about The Wire.”

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I love this picture.

Robert Duvall has probably been in more good movies than you’ve watched, and recently, Hollywood Reporter decided to mix things up by sticking him on a panel with a bunch of fresh-faced, booger-cheeked youngins like Baby Goose and Jesse Eisenberg for an actor’s round table.  Flanked by Gosling, Mark Ruffalo, James Franco, Jesse Eisenberg, and Colin Firth, Duvall demonstrated the one thing we have to look forward to in getting older: being candid as hell and not giving a f*ck.

As [David Fincher's] meticulous style [of doing 50 takes or more] was being discussed by Jesse Eisenberg and Mark Ruffalo, Duvall turned to the host and asked, “who’s he? He’s the director?” Moments later though, after seemingly remembering who Fincher was, the actor asked “he’s always been like that David Fincher? How about when he did ‘Se7en’? He got good results from that… I turned down a part in ‘Se7en’ maybe [his methodology is] the reason I did. Subconsciously I knew.” [ThePlaylist]

Then things got downright blasphemous, or at least they would have been if it hadn’t Robert Duvall speaking, who can say pretty much whatever the hell he wants.

“To me Stanley Kubrick was an actor’s enemy.  And I can point to movies that he’s done, that were the worst performances in movies.  The Shining, …what’s the one about — A Clockwork Orange.  Terrible performances, maybe great movies, but they’re terrible performances. How does he know the difference between the first take and the 70th take?  I mean what is that about?  Maybe it’s the new way of working, I don’t know.”

I’m sure it’d edge into Abe Simpson territory from time to time, but I could listen to Robert Duvall tell old showbiz stories for days.  “Thing about Marlon Brando, we used to find week-old sandwiches buried under his fat titties.  I once saw Jimmy Caan punch a whore harder than I’d ever seen, but God as my witness, the next day she thanked him for it,” and so forth.

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There was a dark time there, between his on-set tirade (OHHH GOOD FOR YOUUU) and… well, pretty much now, where I wondered whether Christian Bale was the awesome actor we’d grown to know and masturbate to love, or just kind of a sullen d*ck.  He did an interview for this month’s Esquire, and boy, the love affair is back on.  Hard to say what’s more entertaining, the interviewer’s adversarial questions or Bale’s clever, thoughtful, self-aware answers.  And of course it goes without saying that the Fighter star is a total hunkcicle

ESQUIRE: But you were this singing, dancing, happy kid [in Newsies]. What happened to you?
BALE: I’m still singing and dancing and happy. I just don’t like musicals, that’s all.
ESQUIRE: Or romantic comedies, I hear.
BALE: I just don’t find them very romantic or funny much of the time.
ESQUIRE: What about Bringing Up Baby?
BALE: Is that a movie?

[...]

BALE: And Chris Farley was just phenomenal. Beverly Hills Ninja will always remain one of my tops.
ESQUIRE: Now you’re lying.
BALE: I have watched that movie. One time I sat down and watched it two nights in a row, and cried with laughter both times. The guy just was a phenomenon, and is missed dearly in my household.

[...]

Bale is in the habit of requesting that his media interviews be printed in a Q&A format. He also prefers to conduct them at the same five-star luxury hotel in Los Angeles, and makes it known that he dislikes personal questions.

BALE: You don’t like that?
ESQUIRE: No! I don’t like being told what to do.
BALE: I’ll tell you why. Basically, it’s somebody who got stuck having to interview me who really wants to be a novelist, so they’re writing these novellas and I was like, “It’s not true, that didn’t happen, they just made all that up! Why don’t they just go ahead and be a novelist instead of bothering with interviewing me?”

Q & A’s are more interesting anyway.  I’m with you, Christian.  Especially after reading some of this guy’s between-question banter:
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Here’s an interview Zach Galifianakis did last week with Gordon Keith, a local TV host in Dallas.  Everyone on the internet is calling it “uncomfortable” and “sphincter-clenchingly awkward.”  I saw it, and just assumed it was just a well-executed gag.  Keith does an incredible job of replicating Galifianakis’ Between Two Ferns shtick, and I assumed by the way the awkward pauses are of almost identical length to Galifianakis’ Two Ferns videos, that Galifianakis was in on it.  Keith however (who it should be noted does do a comedy show), claims that this was not the case:

To answer a few important sexual questions. Zach Galifianakis is brilliant, and a damn fine actor. No, he was not “in” on it. There was no “in.” I suck as an interviewer, hence I throw them comedic softballs that they can hit outta the park. I thought Zach did just that. “Don’t forget to smell Emma” is my new ringtone. [GordonKeith]

In on it or not, Keith is definitely lying about sucking as an interviewer, because this exchange was perfection:

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