Great news, our scientists have finally done it, they’ve discovered the most Florida story ever told. It’s about a naked carny who broke into a house, pooped in it, and jacked off in a child’s bedroom, all while the homeowner shot at him. This story is Christmas, Chanukah, and the birth of a child rolled into one.

Fort Myers, Florida – Gregory Matthew Bruni, 21, [a carnival worker] is facing charges of damage to property, burglary, battery and resisting an officer.
The victims told the Lee County Sheriff’s Office they were inside around 6:50 p.m. when they heard noises on the roof.
They went outside and saw a naked man, later identified as Bruni, on the roof, according to a Lee County Sheriff’s Office report.
They said the man then jumped off the roof and onto one of the victims, knocking him down.
The man then ran into their home and pulled a 72-inch television off a living room wall, breaking it.

I love that they identify the television, but don’t give names, ages, or descriptions of the victims. BUT WHAT WERE THEY WATCHING?!

The victim told investigators he yelled for his wife to get a gun as Bruni continued to thrash around the house, knocking over a wet/dry vacuum and spilling its contents on the floor.
The wife fired three shots from a .38 caliber revolver at Bruni, but missed and hit a wall.
Bruni then fell to the ground and began masturbating in the living room before he ran into the victims’ son’s bedroom and began rubbing his face with clothing, according to the report.
The male victim retrieved his shotgun from the master bedroom, but never fired at Bruni.
Deputies arrived on the scene and tried to detain Bruni, who started flailing around on the ground and speaking, but not making sense.

Maybe he’s an alien God-king from the future, sent to save us from the impending apocalypse like Leelu from The 5th Element. Who else could masturbate in a hail of bullets? We must! Try! To understand! MULTI-PASS! MULTI-PASS! (*gets frustrated, wipes ass with house cat*)

Deputies said Bruni sucked up the water that had spilled from the vacuum and spit it out. They said he tried to flee several times and had to be Tased as he was taken into custody.
Deputies later discovered Bruni defecated near the front door and in a hallway inside the residence.

Okay, so the pooping was before the shooting started, or during? Because if this guy jacked off AND shat while he was being shot at, we should make him president. At the very least, we know he’s a guy that isn’t going to lose his cool during a crisis.

He was transported to Lee Memorial Hospital for observation. Doctors advised deputies they couldn’t identify “what Bruni was on” and were conducting further tests, according to the report. [WTSP via HuffPo]

When this guy goes to AA, the other addicts should have to pay admission. “Gather round, kids, let me tell you about the time Uncle Greg climbed a roof, jumped on a guy, escaped a firefight, jacked off in some kids’ clothes, sh*t on the floor, and chugged a vacuum. CHAAAOS REEEEEEIGNS…”

But wait! One outlet even has a transcript of the 911 call. It’s Fox News, with the perfect Fox News headline, “Naked burglar terrorizes couple, but they fight back.” Yes, what an uplifting story of successful home defense. Who knows where else he might have masturbated had the family not been armed!

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Have you ever been on a plane that kept hitting freaky turbulence or been cut off by some fascist stewardess trying to enforce some never-agreed-to dress code that involves pants? Well save your airplane horror stories, Julieanne Moore, you’ve still got nothing on a group of Qantas passengers last week who looked out at the wing on their flight from Cairns, Australia to Port Moresby, New Guinea, only to see a 10-foot scrub python on the wing, trying to reenact Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. It’s weird, a snake on your plane wing is actually a confusing mix of fears, like trying to dodge sharks while you’re prematurely ejaculating.

QF191 was about 20 minutes into its 6.15am flight from Cairns to Port Moresby on Thursday when a woman pointed outside the plane and told cabin crew: ”There’s a snake on the wing … There’s its head and if you look closely you can see a fraction of its body.’

But unlike Samuel L. Jackson’s 2006 fictional Hollywood blockbuster in which a nest of vipers causes death and destruction on a jet…

…Go on.

…this reptile was concerned only with self-preservation.

Nice, bro. Knowing what I know about Australians, it would be disappointing if no one shouted, “Thet’s naught a snoyke…”

While some passengers scoffed in disbelief, she was correct. Rick Shine, a snake expert at the University of Sydney, said the specimen was a ”very uncomfortable” scrub python, the longest snake in Australia.

Or, ALTERNATE SCENARIO, Ice Cube, who happens to be on the plane, jumps up and demands to know, Anaconda-style, “Yo dey got snakes out dere dis big?”

”There’s no way it could be anything else,” he said. ”They’re common in north Queensland. They’re ambush predators and if there are rodents anywhere nearby, they’ll most likely be in the vicinity. They often find their way into tight ceiling spaces in houses, although I’ve never heard of one on a plane until now.”

So you’re saying Qantas has rats? Are you sure they didn’t just confuse a baby kangaroo for a giant rat? That was always happening on Looney Tunes.

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GHOST RIDER VS. MACHETE

This site isn’t always about movie stuff that sounds like news, sometimes it’s also about news stuff that sounds like movies. This latest story about an incident in which a machete-wielding man squared off against a main swinging a chain in front of a backdrop of a flaming tow truck in DC most definitely qualifies as the latter. Hell, that sounds like the best Mortal Kombat level ever. Did you hear that tiny explosion sound, the one that sounds like a cross between C4 and a small harp? That was the sound of Michael Bay popping a boner.

A man was arrested for attacking another man with a machete at the scene of a tow truck fire Wednesday at 8150 Richmond Highway.  “We did get a call around 1:18 this afternoon of a tow truck that was on fire, and several calls of a man nearby swinging a chain, fighting a man with a machete,” Fairfax County Police spokesman Eddie Azcarate told Patch. “Officers arrived and were able to take one adult man (with the machete) in custody.” [LortonPatch]

The man with the machete was arrested, Azcárate said, while his chain-lashing opponent suffered minor injuries in the duel. However, he did not require transportation to any hospital. “Presumably he took himself to get checked out,” Azcárate says.

Whatever prompted the fight and the fire is still being investigated, but Azcárate says they are connected.

“One led to the other,” he says. “They’re not necessarily related, but one came from the other.” [Editor's Note: Uh... what?] At least authorities are taking the description of this melee in stride, as reading back the notes Azcárate provided caused a laughing fit. “You’re not the first to chuckle about this,” he says. [DCist]

Oh, so the machete-wielder gets arrested, but the guy swinging the chain gets off scot-free? I guess that’s what he gets for using such an ethnic weapon. This country is RACIST, man.

I like to think those guys were shouting things like “SHABBY CHIC!” and “NO WAY, MODERN ALL THE WAY!”

“Come again, punk? Did you just say Chef Freitag is better than Chef Guarnaschelli?” (*pulls out machete*) “Now answer again, real carefully.”

There’ve been a lot of crazy news stories going around this week – a guy shot himself in the ass in a theater, Jonah Hill took pictures of a placenta, a prisoner lost his butt drugs, a guy brought an arsenal to a Dark Knight screening – and amazingly, none of them happened in Florida. Well that streak ends today as a man named “Jackmeoff Mudd” was arrested in Broward County. Poor Primus, their song now seems a quaint relic of yesteryear.

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. – A man who claims his name is Jackmeoff Mudd has been arrested on a variety of charges.
It’s not known if the 54-year-old’s real name is indeed Jackmeoff, but that’s the name that is being used by the Broward Sheriff’s Office.
Fort Lauderdale police arrested Mudd last Friday on six charges, including assault, disorderly conduct, resisting an officer/obstruction without violence and possessing alcohol in a public area. [Local10]

So yes, it’s quite possible “Jackmeoff Mudd” isn’t his real name. It could be something even better, like Chad Farthouse or Steve Titwiener. Or, it could be his real name. Hey, stranger things have happened. We could be dealing with a Boy-Named-Sue situation, where his parents named him “Mudd” so that he’d have to struggle to make something of himself. It appears to have backfired, but give him time, he’s only 54.

“Jackmeoff” is just the subtext of “Taylor” anyway.

What you get when you search "gun" and "dumb" on Shutterstock. Oh to have been a fly on the wall during this shoot.

Ever since the Aurora theater massacre, people have felt an acute need to protect themselves when they head to the theater, and that means guns. Problem is, most guns have a design flaw in that popcorn butter makes the handle really slippery. Police have yet to say whether popcorn butter was a factor in the latest accidental theater shooting in Nevada, when a man accidentally shot himself in the butt during The Bourne Legacy, but I think we can speculate.

SPARKS, Nev. – Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theatre during a showing of “The Bourne Legacy.”
Police in Sparks, Nev., say the 56-year-old man’s injuries are not life-threatening and no others were hurt.
Authorities say the man had a permit to carry a concealed firearm. The man told officers the gun fell from his pocket Tuesday night as he was adjusting himself in the seat and that it discharged when it dropped to the floor. [Yahoo/AP]

Yikes, what did he have to do to get that concealed firearm permit, bring in a special edition Pepsi can to any participating location? One would hope that accidentally shooting yourself in public is grounds for revoking a conceal-and-carry permit. Tough luck for that guy. On the plus side, if Hollywood needs to cast a Jack Ryan in their next round of Tom Clancy movies, I think they know who to call.