After the jump, watch the trailer for Burning Passions, a film by Brian Belefant (based on his 1999 short) about a guy who ejaculates fire (title’s like one a them double entenders, get it?).   Anyway, it’s currently making the festival rounds, and bills itself as “a coming of age story”, sure to “warm your heart” and “spurt thick, gooey ropes of laughter all over your mom’s face while she gets buttf-cked by a syphilitic rhino……. of comedy.”

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This is the trailer for Spooner, which is playing at this year’s Slamdance Film Festival, which is run by a bunch of shrivs who’ll kick you out if, God forbid, you actually start slamdancing.  Fascists.  Anyway, I know what you’re thinking: is the dude’s name Spooner or is he just a guy who likes spooning?  Answer? Both, fudgedick!   Matthew Lillard plays a spooning-loving loser named Spooner who meets a girl who’s a unique free spirit (guess the dark secret! Cancer? A kid? Dying parents?) and they decide to be unique free spirits together.  Because everyone knows the indie film equation. 1 unique free spirit = pathetic loser.  2 unique free spirits = Americana!

^{WATCH THE TRAILER FOR DIMINISHED CAPACITY AFTER THE JUMP}

Diminished Capacity stars Matthew Broderick, Virginia Madsen, and Alan Alda.  It’s about an asexual, middle-class schlub who’s worried he might be losing his mind, because that’s what all independent movies are about.  Alda plays Broderick’s Alzheimer’s-suffering uncle, Madsen his old girlfriend.  At some point, they all have an adventure centering around a valuable baseball card.  The interesting thing about Alzheimer’s Disease is that it’s always funny in movies, but rarely in real life.  Sort of the opposite of burn victims in that way.

In limited release July 4th. 

This is the trailer for Savage Grace, a critically-acclaimed indie opening today that probably no one will see. It stars Julianne Moore and was directed by Tom Kalin, who I’ve never heard of but IMDB tells me also directed the awesome-sounding Robots of Sodom.

It’s based on the real-life murder of Barbara Daly Baekeland, wife of the heir to the Bakelite plastic fortune.  In the trailer, some dude bangs her and her son at the same time!  If that’s not sexy, then I don’t know what sexy is. 

-Thanks to Robo for the tip 

This is the trailer for Mister Lonely, from Harmony Korine, the writer of Kids (when he was 22) and director of Gummo and Julien Donkey Boy. Korine makes movies that hipsters swear are amazing, but I’ve thus far avoided them on account of the whispery cheeseball voice overs in the trailers.

This one (which at least doesn’t look like it was shot on a butt cam) is about a Michael Jackson impersonator falling in love with a Marilyn Monroe imprersonator in a land of celebrity impersonators.  Whispery voice over quotes include:

You are the reason why I’m here.  You make this place beautiful.
There are miracles!  There are miracles to happen to everybody!
If you’re pure enough, you will fly.
A little faith can take us a long way.
You must stay strong, Michael.  Keep searching.
They’re all chasing a great dream.  They’re all looking for answers.  What they don’t realize is that they have found it already.  They have found it in one another.

I’m sure it will be an emotional tour de force, revolutionary in its subtlety (expository dialogue is way more subtler when you whisper).