(These are not the dorks you’re looking for…)
The last Indiana Jones movie had one of the stupidest plots ever conceived and the action scenes looked like they were shot at the make-your-own-video booth at the mall. Oh, but it made $786.6 million dollars, at least 750 of which from people leaving the theater going, “‘To the space between the space’? That was retarded.’” Yadda yadda yadda, of course they’re making another one. As Shia LaBeoueouwf tells the BBC…
“Steven [Spielberg] just said that he cracked the story on it before I left and I think they’re gearing that up,” LaBeouf said. Last summer’s blockbuster was made for about $185 million and earned $786.6 million worldwide. It was the second-highest earner of 2008, behind just The Dark Knight.
To pretend these guys are out there searching for an elusive plot to this movie like it’s Jack the Ripper on the loose is just insulting. If anyone offered script notes on the last one it would’ve just been “Dude, are you effing serious?” written on the cover in red sharpie. The true story is that George Lucas is on his ranch dunking 10-year-olds in oil and then rolling them in giant piles of money while Spielberg shoots at them for fun. Spielberg f*cking hates kids. True story. He calls them “the least dangerous game.”
The rabbits, George. Can’t you see ‘em? We’ll live off the fat of the land. Now close your eyes before the angry mob gets here.
You know how we always joke about George Lucas eating cats and sleeping in a racecar bed and keeping little boys on a chain leash like Princess Leia while he gobbles fanboys’ money? Turns out it’s not far from the truth. There’s a downloadable transcript of a conversation between Lucas, Spielberg, and Lawrence Kasdan going around in which Lucas makes the case, during pre-production on Raiders of the Lost Ark, for the Indiana Jones character having been Marion Ravenwood’s, er, let’s say “statutory mentor.” Via Cinematical:
GL: I was thinking that this old guy could have been his mentor. He could have known this little girl when she was just a kid. Had an affair with her when she was eleven.
LK: And he was forty-two.
GL: He hasn’t seen her in twelve years. Now she’s twenty-two. It’s a real strange relationship.
SS: She had better be older than twenty-two.
GL: He’s thirty-five, and he knew her ten years ago when he was twenty-five and she was only twelve. It would be amusing to make her slightly young at the time.
SS: And promiscuous. She came onto him.
GL: Fifteen is right on the edge. I know it’s an outrageous idea, but it is interesting. Once she’s sixteen or seventeen it’s not interesting anymore. But if she was fifteen and he was twenty-five and they actually had an affair the last time they met. And she was madly in love with him and he …
Spielberg then slammed his fist down on the desk, “George! You can’t have sex with an 11-year-old girl.”
“But her hai-er wuzs sho soft!” yelled George, knocking over his sippy cup.
MTV recently spoke with Harrison Ford about the (nauseating) prospect of Indiana Jones 5, and the scariest part is, he says that it’s more or less all up to George Lucas.
MTV: Is a fifth Indiana Jones film inevitable?
Ford: I don’t know. If we come up with a good idea…
MTV: Is the ball in George’s court at this point?
Ford: It is. That’s the process. With some general input he goes off and searches for the MacGuffin and then stumbles into a story. And at some point we have a chance to take a look at and give some input.
MTV: And he hasn’t found the MacGuffin yet?
Ford: No, we’re still in the primary stages.
MTV: The end of the last film leaves your character in a very intriguing position. He has a wife and a kid. Can he still be that man of adventure with those commitments?
Ford: And he’s seen something. Remember those are the only witness to what he’s seen. That’s kind of interesting.
The last 15 minutes of Indiana Jones was the most hilariously awful sequence of a film that was pretty hilarious and awful all the way through - the aliens fly off into space (or rather, off into “the space between spaces”, as John Hurt points out) in their ship. I guess my point is: you’ve got space, and space is where Gay Jabba the Hutt lives. Hello, MacGuffin!
I hope no one missed out on the new South Park last night because it was f-ing amazing. The main subplot was Stan and Kyle trying to press charges against Steven Spielberg and George Lucas for raping Indiana Jones. If you missed it you’re pretty much like the kid in school whose lame hippie parents won’t buy a TV. But today you’re in luck because Comedy Central has the whole episode online here. If I were you I would watch it right now in case your boss starts talking about it and then decides to give your promotion to someone else because they get his references. I mean, that’s what I imagine having a real job is like. Maybe I’ve been doing this too long.
Look, George, did you see the kitty, George? There’s a kitty over there, George. Wanna go pet the kitty later, George?
The last Indiana Jones was a travesty on the order of Episode I and anyone who put their name on it should be embarrassed. But monkey army or no monkey army, George Lucas doesn’t get embarrassed because he’s autistic. And he’s seriously thinking about doing Indiana Jones 5 because he eats money for fuel. Said Harrison Ford to the L.A. Times in a recent article:
“It’s crazy but great,” the 66-year-old Ford said [of Lucas’ idea for the next Indy movie]. “George is in think mode right now.”
meep meep morp, i am in think mode, meep morp. feed me more money meep meep morp. meep morp, idea 1 meep morp: opens in desert with family of gophers, morp morp.
“It’s automatic, really, we did well with the last one and with that having done well and been a positive experience [I assume he means for the people who made money on the movie because he can’t be talking about anyone who actually saw it.], it’s not surprising that some people want to do it again,” Ford said.
I asked Ford who specifically is stirring up the idea of another revival, whether it was Lucas, Spielberg or the star himself? “Really, it comes from the ethos, from the ether. It’s natural. It’s a way of nature, of course, success breeds opportunities … also we don’t stay as closely in contact as have in the last year, that’s part of it.”
That’s right, Bob. Me, George, Raven my spirit guide, Steven, and Chim Chim the Reincarnated Parakeet Buddha were all surprisingly in agreement on this one. The Universe says Daddy needs a new private jet and the Universe doesn’t care how many green screen waterfall sequences we have to film to get it. It’s something I’ve done a lot of meditating about.
