Last week, Vinnie brought us the mysterious story of a package that arrived at the University of Chicago admissions department, addressed to one Henry Walton Jones, Jr., or Indiana Jones as you and I jocks have taken to calling him. Of this strange piece of mail, our brave leader opined that the best explanation for it was simply viral marketing, which led to a number of commenters agreeing that this was something right out of the University of Chicago’s, um, book.

Of course, the rest of us quietly hoped that this was something bigger and better. Maybe it was the beginning of a new chapter of Indiana Jones, one that would make up for Shia LeBeouf swinging on vines through a jungle with a bunch of monkeys or the idea that hiding in a fridge can protect you from a nuclear blast. Maybe, just maybe, this was George Lucas’ and Steven Spielberg’s way of creating a new buzz for the next Indiana Jones adventure, in which our hero gives us the last hurrah that we so desperately deserve…

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A package arrived at the University of Chicago admissions department yesterday addressed to Indiana Jones, and as of now, no one knows why. The news come to us via the U Chicago Admissions tumblr, and while I would never disparage the place that hosted our live Frotcast last month, so far the most surprising part of this story is that the University of Chicago has a Tumblr. (The site seems legit, so far as I can tell).

We don’t really even know how to start this post. Yesterday we received a package addressed to “Henry Walton Jones, Jr.”. We sort-of shrugged it off and put it in our bin of mail for student workers to sort and deliver to the right faculty member— we get the wrong mail a lot.

Little did we know what we were looking at. When our student mail worker snapped out of his finals-tired haze and realized who Dr. Jones was, we were sort of in luck: this package wasn’t meant for a random professor in the Stat department. It is addressed to “Indiana” Jones.

What we know: The package contained an incredibly detailed replica of “University of Chicago Professor” Abner Ravenwood’s journal from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. It looks only sort of like this one, but almost exactly like this one, so much so that we thought it might have been the one that was for sale on Ebay had we not seen some telling inconsistencies in cover color and “Ex Libris” page (and distinct lack of sword). The book itself is a bit dusty, and the cover is teal fabric with a red velvet spine, with weathered inserts and many postcards/pictures of Marion Ravenwood (and some cool old replica money) included. It’s clear that it is mostly, but not completely handmade, as although the included paper is weathered all of the “handwriting” and calligraphy lacks the telltale pressure marks of actual handwriting.

They posted it ostensibly in the hopes of spreading it around the internet and getting an explanation. That hasn’t happened yet, but there are a few theories:

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Lost co-creator and Cowboys and Aliens co-writer Damon Lindelof recently wrote a wrote a gushy homage to Raiders of the Lost Ark in honor of its 30th Anniversary, which was published in LA Times’ Hero Complex with the headline, ‘Lindelof’s love letter to a perfect movie.’ It certainly has a just-one-of-the-fans! charm, but… it’s also a piece about a film directed by the guy who produced Lindelof’s last project.

Here’s a few excerpts:

Although it’s easy to reduce “Raiders” to a “popcorn” movie — a piece of escapist adventure with fantastic action — very rarely is it appreciated for its pure innovative genius.  This is something people seemed to be well aware of back in 1981 (it was nominated for a best picture Oscar), but over time, the legacy of “Raiders” seems to neglect just how incredibly revolutionary it was as a film.

I could go on for pages about just the little things. Like the sound you make when Indy punches someone in the face. Or that Marion’s superpower is drinking. And don’t even get me started on the coat hanger. Where did that Nazi even get that thing? Did he special-order it? “I need somezing that vill terrify people when I take it out, but then give them a false zense of relief when I reveal it is simply somezing on vich to hang my coat.” Seriously. The best. But I know you’ve probably heard it all before and therefore, I’ll stick to the big stuff. First and foremost…

I love you because Indiana Jones is a nerd. Granted, a highly capable nerd who knows how to ride horses and fight real good, but still, at his core, Indy is an academic who’s motivated purely by his desire to find and retrieve really cool stuff so he can put it in a museum where other nerds can appreciate it. Also, he wears glasses and gets nervous when hot female students write the words “Love You” on their eyelids. Do you have any idea how much commitment is involved in writing “Love You” on your eyelids?  It’s really hard!  Not that I’ve ever done it… [...]

And while we’re on the subject of Dr. Jones, here’s another thing I love about him.  He’s actually scared of stuff.  This doesn’t seem like something that should be celebrated, but it’s actually quite rare for the hero of a movie to be scared of anything.  Do you know what Green Lantern is afraid of?  Fear. He is afraid of being afraid. Does that even make sense? Here’s what makes sense to be afraid of — Hissing Cobras and Gigantic Bald Nazis with mustaches trying to kill you. And it was perfectly OK for me to be scared of them because Indy was too.

And while we’re on the subject of Dr. Jones, here’s another thing I love about him.  He’s actually scared of stuff.  This doesn’t seem like something that should be celebrated, but it’s actually quite rare for the hero of a movie to be scared of anything.  Do you know what Green Lantern is afraid of?  Fear. He is afraid of being afraid. Does that even make sense? Here’s what makes sense to be afraid of — Hissing Cobras and Gigantic Bald Nazis with mustaches trying to kill you. And it was perfectly OK for me to be scared of them because Indy was too.

And so, we now arrive at your ending. This, more than anything else, is why my love for you is an undying one. Because we all know how movies like you are supposed to end. The hero fights off a bunch of evildoers, saves the girl, gets the thingamabob away from the bad guys before they can do any harm with it and then say something kinda cool before he rides off into the sunset.

But this, sweet Raiders, is not what you did.

Your big climax is not affected by Indiana Jones at all.  He’s tied to a pole with Marion the whole time, completely helpless as Belloq and his Nazi pals open the Ark. And while most heroes would perform some incredible act of selfless bravery, what does Indy do? He shouts at Marion to not even look at whatever is coming out of the very thing he has coveted for your entire duration.

In a world where movies and TV shows often end in ways that are sometimes unsatisfying bordering on outrage-inducing (yeah, yeah, I know), your ending, darling Raiders, is absolutely, exquisitely perfect.

I know I’m being a hater here. I’m sorry. It’s a nicely-written article (kudos especially for the veiled, self-deprecating Lost reference at the end there) and I share Lindelof’s great love and nostalgia for Raiders of the Lost Ark. But for as much as he gets his ass kissed, Spielberg might as well ride around town in a buttless litter carried by JJ Abrams and Kurtzman/Orci. Spielberg toadying is practically a cottage industry. “Rarely appreciated?” Are you f*cking serious? We already had two movies, one good and one terrible (Attack the Block and Super 8), that were basically love letters to 80s Spielberg (to say nothing of Paul), not to mention Captain America ripping off the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark almost shot-for-shot. And that’s just this year! We get it, the people making movies now reeeeally like Spielberg. That’s certainly a testament to his importance, but given how many movies he made and how many people saw them, it’s also little like saying McDonald’s made the most influential hamburger. A nerd hero! Imagine that! Jeez, no one ever does that anymore! Lindelof’s piece is the movie equivalent of one of Tom Friedman’s “We have to reduce our dependance on foreign oil!” editorials.

Uggghhh. I’m sorry, I know he’s right. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be in the back trying to write “No Sh*t” on my eyelids.

3D Dog demands an immersive experience

Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate!  Looking for news?  Answers?  You’ve come to the wrong place, pardner!  If we had ‘em, we wouldn’t be askin’!  YEEE HAW!  Now who wants to get shot in the dark? (*fires pistols in the air*)

Today’s awesomely unsubstantiated rumor comes from Blue Sky Disney, who says that next month, LucasFilm will announce that they’ll be converting the Indiana Jones movies for a theatrical re-release, starting with Raiders of the Lost Ark.  The move would mirror the 3D re-release of the Star Wars movies, which are set to hit theaters in 2012.  Sounds plausible, right?

So why shouldn’t we believe it?  Well, for one thing, the Indiana Jones movies were directed by Steven Spielberg, who, despite his sensible influence being woefully absent on Indiana Jones 4, has in the past been much more reticent to do recuts and rereleases of his movies than the hutt known as George Lucas. For another, Blue Sky Disney is the same site that falsely reported Josh Hutcherson as Spider-Man a few months ago.  But go ahead, trust a liar, see if I care.

Nonetheless, if it is true, then clearly the target audience is stupid people.  3D sucks.  It’s an excuse to charge more money.  To say it’s more realistic is like saying a pop-up book is more realistic than a regular comic book.  You want an “immersive experience”?  Watch the original on mushrooms.  Much cheaper.

(These are not the dorks you’re looking for…)

The last Indiana Jones movie had one of the stupidest plots ever conceived and the action scenes looked like they were shot at the make-your-own-video booth at the mall.  Oh, but it made $786.6 million dollars, at least 750 of which from people leaving the theater going, “‘To the space between the space’?  That was retarded.’”  Yadda yadda yadda, of course they’re making another one.  As Shia LaBeoueouwf tells the BBC…

“Steven [Spielberg] just said that he cracked the story on it before I left and I think they’re gearing that up,” LaBeouf said. Last summer’s blockbuster was made for about $185 million and earned $786.6 million worldwide. It was the second-highest earner of 2008, behind just The Dark Knight.

To pretend these guys are out there searching for an elusive plot to this movie like it’s Jack the Ripper on the loose is just insulting.  If anyone offered script notes on the last one it would’ve just been “Dude, are you effing serious?” written on the cover in red sharpie.  The true story is that George Lucas is on his ranch dunking 10-year-olds in oil and then rolling them in giant piles of money while Spielberg shoots at them for fun.  Spielberg f*cking hates kids.  True story.  He calls them “the least dangerous game.”