Lost co-creator and Cowboys and Aliens co-writer Damon Lindelof recently wrote a wrote a gushy homage to Raiders of the Lost Ark in honor of its 30th Anniversary, which was published in LA Times’ Hero Complex with the headline, ‘Lindelof’s love letter to a perfect movie.’ It certainly has a just-one-of-the-fans! charm, but… it’s also a piece about a film directed by the guy who produced Lindelof’s last project.

Here’s a few excerpts:

Although it’s easy to reduce “Raiders” to a “popcorn” movie — a piece of escapist adventure with fantastic action — very rarely is it appreciated for its pure innovative genius.  This is something people seemed to be well aware of back in 1981 (it was nominated for a best picture Oscar), but over time, the legacy of “Raiders” seems to neglect just how incredibly revolutionary it was as a film.

I could go on for pages about just the little things. Like the sound you make when Indy punches someone in the face. Or that Marion’s superpower is drinking. And don’t even get me started on the coat hanger. Where did that Nazi even get that thing? Did he special-order it? “I need somezing that vill terrify people when I take it out, but then give them a false zense of relief when I reveal it is simply somezing on vich to hang my coat.” Seriously. The best. But I know you’ve probably heard it all before and therefore, I’ll stick to the big stuff. First and foremost…

I love you because Indiana Jones is a nerd. Granted, a highly capable nerd who knows how to ride horses and fight real good, but still, at his core, Indy is an academic who’s motivated purely by his desire to find and retrieve really cool stuff so he can put it in a museum where other nerds can appreciate it. Also, he wears glasses and gets nervous when hot female students write the words “Love You” on their eyelids. Do you have any idea how much commitment is involved in writing “Love You” on your eyelids?  It’s really hard!  Not that I’ve ever done it… [...]

And while we’re on the subject of Dr. Jones, here’s another thing I love about him.  He’s actually scared of stuff.  This doesn’t seem like something that should be celebrated, but it’s actually quite rare for the hero of a movie to be scared of anything.  Do you know what Green Lantern is afraid of?  Fear. He is afraid of being afraid. Does that even make sense? Here’s what makes sense to be afraid of — Hissing Cobras and Gigantic Bald Nazis with mustaches trying to kill you. And it was perfectly OK for me to be scared of them because Indy was too.

And while we’re on the subject of Dr. Jones, here’s another thing I love about him.  He’s actually scared of stuff.  This doesn’t seem like something that should be celebrated, but it’s actually quite rare for the hero of a movie to be scared of anything.  Do you know what Green Lantern is afraid of?  Fear. He is afraid of being afraid. Does that even make sense? Here’s what makes sense to be afraid of — Hissing Cobras and Gigantic Bald Nazis with mustaches trying to kill you. And it was perfectly OK for me to be scared of them because Indy was too.

And so, we now arrive at your ending. This, more than anything else, is why my love for you is an undying one. Because we all know how movies like you are supposed to end. The hero fights off a bunch of evildoers, saves the girl, gets the thingamabob away from the bad guys before they can do any harm with it and then say something kinda cool before he rides off into the sunset.

But this, sweet Raiders, is not what you did.

Your big climax is not affected by Indiana Jones at all.  He’s tied to a pole with Marion the whole time, completely helpless as Belloq and his Nazi pals open the Ark. And while most heroes would perform some incredible act of selfless bravery, what does Indy do? He shouts at Marion to not even look at whatever is coming out of the very thing he has coveted for your entire duration.

In a world where movies and TV shows often end in ways that are sometimes unsatisfying bordering on outrage-inducing (yeah, yeah, I know), your ending, darling Raiders, is absolutely, exquisitely perfect.

I know I’m being a hater here. I’m sorry. It’s a nicely-written article (kudos especially for the veiled, self-deprecating Lost reference at the end there) and I share Lindelof’s great love and nostalgia for Raiders of the Lost Ark. But for as much as he gets his ass kissed, Spielberg might as well ride around town in a buttless litter carried by JJ Abrams and Kurtzman/Orci. Spielberg toadying is practically a cottage industry. “Rarely appreciated?” Are you f*cking serious? We already had two movies, one good and one terrible (Attack the Block and Super 8), that were basically love letters to 80s Spielberg (to say nothing of Paul), not to mention Captain America ripping off the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark almost shot-for-shot. And that’s just this year! We get it, the people making movies now reeeeally like Spielberg. That’s certainly a testament to his importance, but given how many movies he made and how many people saw them, it’s also little like saying McDonald’s made the most influential hamburger. A nerd hero! Imagine that! Jeez, no one ever does that anymore! Lindelof’s piece is the movie equivalent of one of Tom Friedman’s “We have to reduce our dependance on foreign oil!” editorials.

Uggghhh. I’m sorry, I know he’s right. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be in the back trying to write “No Sh*t” on my eyelids.

3D Dog demands an immersive experience

Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate!  Looking for news?  Answers?  You’ve come to the wrong place, pardner!  If we had ‘em, we wouldn’t be askin’!  YEEE HAW!  Now who wants to get shot in the dark? (*fires pistols in the air*)

Today’s awesomely unsubstantiated rumor comes from Blue Sky Disney, who says that next month, LucasFilm will announce that they’ll be converting the Indiana Jones movies for a theatrical re-release, starting with Raiders of the Lost Ark.  The move would mirror the 3D re-release of the Star Wars movies, which are set to hit theaters in 2012.  Sounds plausible, right?

So why shouldn’t we believe it?  Well, for one thing, the Indiana Jones movies were directed by Steven Spielberg, who, despite his sensible influence being woefully absent on Indiana Jones 4, has in the past been much more reticent to do recuts and rereleases of his movies than the hutt known as George Lucas. For another, Blue Sky Disney is the same site that falsely reported Josh Hutcherson as Spider-Man a few months ago.  But go ahead, trust a liar, see if I care.

Nonetheless, if it is true, then clearly the target audience is stupid people.  3D sucks.  It’s an excuse to charge more money.  To say it’s more realistic is like saying a pop-up book is more realistic than a regular comic book.  You want an “immersive experience”?  Watch the original on mushrooms.  Much cheaper.

(These are not the dorks you’re looking for…)

The last Indiana Jones movie had one of the stupidest plots ever conceived and the action scenes looked like they were shot at the make-your-own-video booth at the mall.  Oh, but it made $786.6 million dollars, at least 750 of which from people leaving the theater going, “‘To the space between the space’?  That was retarded.’”  Yadda yadda yadda, of course they’re making another one.  As Shia LaBeoueouwf tells the BBC…

“Steven [Spielberg] just said that he cracked the story on it before I left and I think they’re gearing that up,” LaBeouf said. Last summer’s blockbuster was made for about $185 million and earned $786.6 million worldwide. It was the second-highest earner of 2008, behind just The Dark Knight.

To pretend these guys are out there searching for an elusive plot to this movie like it’s Jack the Ripper on the loose is just insulting.  If anyone offered script notes on the last one it would’ve just been “Dude, are you effing serious?” written on the cover in red sharpie.  The true story is that George Lucas is on his ranch dunking 10-year-olds in oil and then rolling them in giant piles of money while Spielberg shoots at them for fun.  Spielberg f*cking hates kids.  True story.  He calls them “the least dangerous game.”

_{The rabbits, George.  Can’t you see ‘em?  We’ll live off the fat of the land. Now close your eyes before the angry mob gets here.}

You know how we always joke about George Lucas eating cats and sleeping in a racecar bed and keeping little boys on a chain leash like Princess Leia while he gobbles fanboys’ money?  Turns out it’s not far from the truth.  There’s a downloadable transcript of a conversation between Lucas, Spielberg, and Lawrence Kasdan going around in which Lucas makes the case, during pre-production on Raiders of the Lost Ark, for the Indiana Jones character having been Marion Ravenwood’s, er, let’s say “statutory mentor.” Via Cinematical:

GL: I was thinking that this old guy could have been his mentor. He could have known this little girl when she was just a kid. Had an affair with her when she was eleven.

LK: And he was forty-two.

GL: He hasn’t seen her in twelve years. Now she’s twenty-two. It’s a real strange relationship.

SS: She had better be older than twenty-two.

GL: He’s thirty-five, and he knew her ten years ago when he was twenty-five and she was only twelve. It would be amusing to make her slightly young at the time.

SS: And promiscuous. She came onto him.

GL: Fifteen is right on the edge. I know it’s an outrageous idea, but it is interesting. Once she’s sixteen or seventeen it’s not interesting anymore. But if she was fifteen and he was twenty-five and they actually had an affair the last time they met. And she was madly in love with him and he …

Spielberg then slammed his fist down on the desk, “George! You can’t have sex with an 11-year-old girl.”

“But her hai-er wuzs sho soft!” yelled George, knocking over his sippy cup.

MTV recently spoke with Harrison Ford about the (nauseating) prospect of Indiana Jones 5, and the scariest part is, he says that it’s more or less all up to George Lucas.

MTV: Is a fifth Indiana Jones film inevitable?
Ford: I don’t know. If we come up with a good idea…
MTV: Is the ball in George’s court at this point?
Ford: It is. That’s the process. With some general input he goes off and searches for the MacGuffin and then stumbles into a story. And at some point we have a chance to take a look at and give some input.
MTV: And he hasn’t found the MacGuffin yet?
Ford: No, we’re still in the primary stages.
MTV: The end of the last film leaves your character in a very intriguing position. He has a wife and a kid. Can he still be that man of adventure with those commitments?
Ford: And he’s seen something. Remember those are the only witness to what he’s seen. That’s kind of interesting.

The last 15 minutes of Indiana Jones was the most hilariously awful sequence of a film that was pretty hilarious and awful all the way through – the aliens fly off into space (or rather, off into “the space between spaces”, as John Hurt points out) in their ship.  I guess my point is: you’ve got space, and space is where Gay Jabba the Hutt lives.  Hello, MacGuffin!