WOOHOOO!  FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND!  TIME TO PARTY!  Then when we’re hungover, we can go see… uh… Sparkly vampires?  Boy wizards?  Hmm.  Opening this weekend (trailers after the jump):

Twilight Saga: Eclipse
I’m going to go see this weekend and find the hottest girl in the theater.  Then, I’m going to follow her home, break in through her window, and just sit there staring at her while she sleeps.  If she wakes up and catches me and starts screaming, I’m just going to cover her mouth while I say, “What?  I thought this was what you wanted.”

The Last Airbender
Sample reviews:

• “Shyamalan has made a dull, boring, poorly acted, limply written and thoroughly unappealing fantasy, featuring bland characters locked in a struggle of no interest.”
• “’The Last Airbender’ is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.”
• “Let’s just be honest: M. Night Shyamalan is an idiot.”

However, everyone hated Jonah Hex too, and as I’ve pointed out, with the right attitude, that movie is hilarious and entertaining as hell.  Could that be true of Last Airbender?  Somehow I doubt it.  I tried that with Lady in the Water, and it’s one of the few movies I’ve ever seen where getting high first actually made it worse.  M. Shyalami can harsh your mellow from afar.

Love Ranch
Joe Pesci plays a pimp, Helen Mirren is a whore, I really want to see this, and of course it’s only be opening in limited release.  Ugh.  I was pretty much sold as soon as I heard Pesci would be a pimp and Helen Mirren’s character “stomps on the throat of a misbehaving prostitute,” but curiously, the reviews have been pretty bad so far.  All I know is that the guy who decided to open a movie with “ranch” in the title the same weekend Twilight opens is an evil genius.

Happy Fourth

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Fall’s biggest comedy 2012 opens today, so it’s time for us all to care what Roland Emmerich thinks.  On that note, the man recently took time out from masturbating to tsunami footage, telling MTV that he’s planning for not one, but two Independence Day sequels.  To be titled “‘ID4-ever, Part I and II maybe?” I think he was joking, but on the other hand it’s Roland Emmerich.

“What we want to do in the next – it’s actually two movies – we want to do a bigger arc,” he explained. “‘Independence Day’ was always like the king who leads his troops into battle against an evil force, and that stays like that.”

Independence Day arc: Aliens land.  Aliens blow sh-t up.  WELCOME DA EARFF!  Humans blow up aliens.  So what might the “bigger arc” be?  Aliens land.  Aliens blow sh-t up. WELCOME DA EARFF! Humans blow up aliens.  …Pool party?  That’s how they’d do it on Entourage.