Today our boy Sexman tackles You Don’t Mess the Zohan and The Incredible Hulk – after he gets through his shoutouts, at least. Don’t go all Hollywood gangsta rap star on us, Sexman.  Once he gets to the actual reviews, he saves his choicest words for the Zohan.

It was a piece of shit film.  Adam Sandler needs to get his act together.   

True that. A Sexman review of an Adam Sandler movie is especially valuable, because every spineless movie critic’s review of Sandler movies these days is, “Teenage boys will love it!”  They think it’s okay to abdicate their critical faculties because if something’s dumb and unfunny but still makes a ton of money, it must be teenage boys’ fault, right?  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I plan to become a great movie critic by spending a lot of time with teenage boys.  Lithe, hairless, athletic-smelling teenage boys.  Their innocence and malleable sexual identity will keep me from becoming jaded, and drinking their blood will make me as virile as a wild boar.  Eeep! I fear I’ve said too much! 

The Incredible Hulk not surprisingly was tops at the box office this weekend, earning an estimated $54 million dollars.  It was still not quite enough to match Ang Lee’s $62 million dollar opening weekend gross for the last Hulk.  But hey, no reason we can’t make another one, right?  Right?  Guys?

The Happening couldn’t quite make it to the number two spot, but did do well enough to become Manny Shyamalan’s third largest opening ever, even as the glowing reviews continued to pour in:

Another case of elegant filmmaking kneecapped by a thunderingly stupid concept. –Windy City Times
If Shyamalan wanted to commit career suicide he couldn’t have chosen a more likely vehicle than this laugh inducing ‘thriller.’  -Flipside Movie Emporium
Woeful clunker of a paranoid thriller. –Wall Street Journal  

(full top ten after the jump)  

2. Kung Fu Panda, $34 million
3. The Happening, $30.5 million
4. You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, $16.4 million
5. Indiana Jones, $13.5 million
6. Sex and the City, $10.1 million
7. Iron Man, $5 million
8. The Strangers, $4 million
9. Chronicles of Narnia, $3 million
10. What Happens in Vegas, $1.7 million

In related news, Frank Stallone threw a house party and six people came, his biggest weekend since 1997.   

[via Box Office Mojo] 

Opening this week – click the title for the trailer:   

The Incredible Hulk
It’s getting pretty good reviews, if you consider "It was okay, I guess…" a good review, which RottenTomatoes does.  Maybe they should change the name to The Mildly Entertaining Hulk.  Kurt Loder describes it as a "simple monster romp"; the same line I use to get chicks into bed.  In related news, Kurt Loder is still alive.  The other day I saw a Mexican guy with a "Norteño" tattoo.  I figure he must be Ed Norton’s biggest fan.

The Happening – click anywhere for trailer
Gosh, you know I’d forgotten this was coming out today until now.  I really hope it sucks as much as I hope it sucks, so Manny can stamp his little feet about what meanies all the critics are.  If it’s as bad-good as Wicker Man, I may have to put on a bear suit and punch myself.

Baghead
Surprise, it’s not about Fergie.  She should grow out her pubes and change her name to Furgy.  My aunt used to do that.

Quid Pro Quo
Wow, great title.  What were the other choices?  

Kicking It
The alternate title for Friday is actually a documentary about the Homeless World Cup.  Which is not nearly as much fun as the Hobodeo, where you ride a hobo until he or she bucks you off while your friends throw full beer cans at your head.

^{WATCH THE HULK PARODY FROM JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE AFTER THE JUMP} 

Edward Norton was on Kimmel last night and he starred in a parody in which Oswald crashes through the wall dressed as the Hulk, and then Ed Norton knees him in the nuts. It was pretty funny, but you know what’s not? Slavery.

[via FSR - thanks to micHELLe for the tip] 

^{WATCH THE LATEST TV SPOT FOR THE INCREDIBLE HULK AFTER THE JUMP}

As you can see from this latest TV spot, Robert Downey Jr. will have a cameo as Tony Stark in the Incredible Hulk. I bet he’ll be all like, "Gosh, Hulk, you look really hungry.  What say I take you out for Burger King.  They have portions befitting a man of your stature – and the prices are nothing to get angry about!  Come on, I’ll drive you there in my new Audi.  We’ll get there quick thanks to the 365 horses!  And I don’t know about you, but nothing calms me like calf leather seats and tasteful walnut panelling."

What I mean to say of course, is that this is part of Marvel’s overall strategy of cross promotion and synergy and other words douchebags use.   

Another example of upscale merchandising is Estee Lauder, which got into the Iron Man game. A page on the beauty company’s Web site offers tips on how women can achieve the look of Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), Iron Man alter ego Tony Stark’s sexy spokesperson. 

I can’t wait to see this campaign applied to the Hulk.  Is your boyfriend a roided out psychopath with anger problems?  Well grab his credit card and head on down to Chanel because nothing soothes the nerves like new perfume.