As I pointed out in my original review, the only sense the ending of the Incredible Hulk made was as a setup for a sequel. In a recent interview with MTV, Iron Man writers Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby (best. name. ever.) say the plan is to make Hulk the villain in an Avengers movie.
“I hope ‘The Avengers’ embraces that,” Fergus said of having the Hulk as misunderstood baddie. “You don’t want like 10 super-badass good guys fighting together. Where’s the fun in that? Let’s break it off a little. Friends or colleagues [Dammit, Thor, did you finish those TPS reports? -Ed.] who become enemies is always an interesting thing because you know it’s based on love and friendship and that’s always the worst thing to have turn bad — is someone you actually care about and someone you actually believe in.”
“I personally like when good-guy characters have to fight each other,” he went on. “Good guys going against good guys who both believe in an issue is way more interesting than a villain clearly into evil and I like when former friends become committed enemies.”
It’s funny, sometimes I’m tempted to weigh in on how I feel about which superheroes should fight each other. And then I remember I’m not seven. To make this interesting I say they make the Hulk a closeted homosexual. “Why’d you turn into the Hulk, Bruce? We were just hanging out all calm when Tony Stark came out of the shower in a towel and… hey, wait a second…”
You’ll be kicking yourself if you didn’t bring your A game last week, because I’ve got a sweet prize to give away. I don’t tell you about these things ahead of time because I don’t want to give you any excuse not to give 111,000% every day. Now, LET’S GET OUT THERE AND KICK SOME ASS!!! **heterosexual ass pats all around**
This week’s winner gets the three-disc special edition DVD of The Incredible Hulk, a movie AICN calls “Every bit as good as Iron Man,” proving AICN’s reviewer smokes rock and/or pole (you can read my review of the film here). The DVD (and blu-ray disc) hits shelves October 21st. It includes an alternate opening in which the Hulk plays in the snow (and supposedly a brief glimpse of Captain America), a digital copy of the film so you can watch it on your portable ass shit, and all sorts of commentary so you know what motherf-ckas were thinking when they made it. Two hours of bonus features in all. It will make. The shit. Fall out. Of your ass.
So who won it? Find out after the jump, dumbshit.
Sorry for all the words.
Until it utterly craps the bed in the finale, The Incredible Hulk is everything a superhero movie should be. Maybe not everything it could be, but for 85 minutes it does a pretty good job hitting the notes you expect it to (Showdown! Love interest! …SMASH!), without making you too conscious of the man behind the curtain.
Zak Penn’s script (or Ed Norton’s script, depending on whom you ask) wisely drops us right in the middle of the story, Bruce Banner having already hulked out, busted up a lab, gone on a rampage, and since fled to a slum in Rio where he lives alone except for (of course) his pet dog. On the run from the general (William Hurt) who wants to dissect him and keeping vigil for the woman he left behind (Liv Tyler), he works in a soda bottling plant and spends his spare time improving his Portuguese and learning to manage his anger.
Between the cool-looking, almost gratuitous sweeping shots of the Brazlian favelas and the director’s assumed license to film all manner of unrealistically hot extras, the setting is exploited to the fullest. Other than that, it’s mainly a repeating cycle of General Ross and his stubbly, loose cannon protégé played by Tim Ross getting a bead on Banner and Banner turning green and going on a rampage every time they corner him. But no complaints, half the fun of Hulk is anticipating what’s going to piss him off next.
Hulk doesn’t have the charm of Iron Man, but it’s a little unfair to expect him to. After all, in Iron Man, Tony Stark is the richest, smartest, coolest, most wise-cracking nerd fantasy on the planet who couldn’t be more stoked about becoming a superhero. In Hulk, Bruce Banner is a nerdy scientist who accidentally turned himself into a freak and has to live alone for fear of being captured by the government and accidentally smashing everyone he likes. Hulk’s script is more conservative but it’s also more nimble, keeping everything moving forward without requiring excessive suspension of disbelief (with the possible exception of William Hurt, whose comically gruff one-liners suggest he’s playing it a couple levels of camp above everyone else). The Norton-Tyler love interest is also better set up here, though also less fun.
Ahh, but what was it I said about the finale? Oh yeah, that. Four-fifths of their way into creating an entertaining, fairly believable world unto itself, Penn and Leterrier chuck everything out the window for an annoyingly self-referential and completely nonsensical ending that prioritizes sequel possibility above closure, catharsis, and even reason.
How best to illustrate what I mean… After Tim Roth gets mad scientist Tim Blake Nelson to inject him with gamma goo and turn him into evil hulk, er, Abomination, he rampages through the city of New York until General Ross’s only recourse is to send in Hulk to save the world from a greater evil. Having already established that the Hulk has intelligence and sensitivity beneath the green skin, he and Abomination trade witty repartee (albeit with growl-y hulk voices) while battling their way through upper Manhattan. Then, at that inevitable comic book movie moment where it seems the bad guy has the good guy dead to rights and all is lost, Abomination asks, "Any last words?" Hulk responds, and keep in mind this is a college-educated scientist who has up until this point displayed above average language skills, "HULK SMASH!"
Yep, in the climactic moment, Hulk relies on a self-referential, fanboy-inspired catchphrase roughly crowbarred (without lube) into a scene in which it makes no sense. Talk about "I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch" redux.
The sad part is, this character has a lot of potential. Imagine a Hulk whose rampages aren’t just an overgrown baby throwing his tonka toys around. Don’t get me wrong, the explosions are cool, but imagine Hulk rages that caused, blood, broken bones, massive human casualties… consequences! Not only would he be a superhero, he’d be fucking terrifying. In one scene, Liv Tyler, having recently been reunited with Bruce, her long-lost love, throws herself at him an attempt to consummate their reunion. But before they can get far, Bruce hears his heartrate monitor racing with the excitement and can’t seal the deal (imagine your spindly boyfriend transforming into the Hulk while he’s inside you). My point is, think of the possibilities. Grr, you wouldn’t like me when I’m …horny!
Point is, the Hulk is kind of character who’s completely unpredictable and always one-step away from doing something totally epic – the best kind of character. It’d be nice to see someone fully explore the possibilities. The Incredible Hulk seems content just to keep the franchise going.
Grade: B-
Better than the 2003 Hulk? Yes, much. I fell asleep during that one.
The highly publicized battle between Get Smart and The Love Guru, this weekend’s only two major releases, failed to materialize. Get Smart took the top spot with $39.2 million, while the Love Guru was all the way down at number four, with $14 million. Apparently the average schmoe hated it as much as the critics.
But don’t get too excited, because Get Smart was almost as bad, but because it made so much money, everyone involved will be bending over backwards to pat themselves on the back, or doing some other kind of metaphorical thing that would make sense. Industry analysts are also making logic jumps that can only be described as Shyamalan-esque.
Critics picked apart the [Get Smart] for emphasizing action over the crisp verbal comedy of the TV show, but Warner Bros. figures that was a wise commercial move. While 60 percent of the audience was 25 or older, that still meant a sizable younger crowd that was more keen on the movie’s action, said Dan Fellman, the studio’s head of distribution. [AP]
Yeah, either that or people saw it because it was the only thing out besides Love Guru. But that’s the beauty of numbers, they allow even people with no common sense to draw conclusions. How egalitarian. (Not to be confused with eaglitarians, which is what I am).
Get Smart, $39.2 million
Kung Fu Panda, $21.7 million
The Incredible Hulk, $21.6 million
The Love Guru, $14 million
The Happening, $10 million
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, $8.4 million
You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, $7.2 million
Sex and the City, $6.5 million
Iron Man, $4 million
The Strangers, $1.9 million
Today our boy Sexman tackles You Don’t Mess the Zohan and The Incredible Hulk - after he gets through his shoutouts, at least. Don’t go all Hollywood gangsta rap star on us, Sexman. Once he gets to the actual reviews, he saves his choicest words for the Zohan.
It was a piece of shit film. Adam Sandler needs to get his act together.
True that. A Sexman review of an Adam Sandler movie is especially valuable, because every spineless movie critic’s review of Sandler movies these days is, “Teenage boys will love it!” They think it’s okay to abdicate their critical faculties because if something’s dumb and unfunny but still makes a ton of money, it must be teenage boys’ fault, right? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I plan to become a great movie critic by spending a lot of time with teenage boys. Lithe, hairless, athletic-smelling teenage boys. Their innocence and malleable sexual identity will keep me from becoming jaded, and drinking their blood will make me as virile as a wild boar. Eeep! I fear I’ve said too much!
