WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN QUESTION MARK EXCLAMATION POINT

Set your scanners to Smashin’, people. Anti-tobacco Nazis are waging war against Rango for its numerous depictions of characters smoking and holy crap I want to put my fist straight through this story. After the jump, I plan on losing my mind until my blood pressure hits 600/400 and I just stroke out and die where I sit. Eh, I had a good run.

But before I do that, let me get two things out of the way. First, I used to be a smoker. Every day for 7+ years, I smoked anywhere from a handful of cigarettes to well over a full pack. After trying to quit a crapload of times, it finally stuck and I haven’t had one in five-ish years. Big whoop. I didn’t do it for applause or anything. I did it because it’s gross and expensive, and daddy likes breathing and having some change jingle-jangling in his pocket. Second of all, now that I’m not essentially breathing fire a few dozen times a day, I certainly understand people who want to go to a bar for happy hour and not come out smelling like Lindsay Lohan’s voice. My issue lies not with these people. My issue lies with people who want to pass ordinances restricting smoking outside (OUTSIDE) or in your own home. Or, in this case, people who want EVERY MOVIE THAT CONTAINS A SINGLE INSTANCE OF SMOKING TO BE RATED R. These people are not to be trusted.

Ok, let’s take this story apart limb by limb.

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Variety reports that Scorpion King director Chuck Russell is set to do a $70 million, 3D re-working of Arabian Nights, aka 1,001 Nights.  Here’s the plot of the original (which varies, but these are the basics):

A Persian king begins to marry a succession of virgins only to execute each one the next morning. Eventually the vizier, whose duty it is to provide them, cannot find any more virgins. Scheherazade, the vizier’s daughter, offers herself as the next bride and her father reluctantly agrees. On the night of their marriage, Scheherazade begins to tell the king a tale, but does not end it. The king is thus forced to postpone her execution in order to hear the conclusion. The next night, as soon as she finishes the tale, she begins a new one, and the king, eager to hear the conclusion, postpones her execution once again. So it goes on for 1,001 nights.

Now, here’s the Hollywood version:

In a new spin on the classic, the story follows a young commander who, after his king is killed in a palace coup, joins forces with Sinbad, Aladdin and his genie to rescue Scheherazade and her kingdom from dark powers.

BUT WAIT, THAT’S NOT THE FACEPALM PART!

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The Earth-shaking tidal wave of condemnation of Slumdog Millionaire continued this week in India as slumdwellers turned out in force to protest. Says Reuters:

In recent weeks the movie’s success around the world has been overshadowed by objections in India to the name, which some slum dwellers find offensive.

Overshadowed, you say?  Please, tell me more about this important movement.

Dozens of residents of a Mumbai slum where Slumdog Millionaire was partly shot protested  Tuesday, hurling insults and hitting pictures of its cast and crew with slippers [of course].
“They have made a mockery of us, they have hurt our sentiments,” said N.R. Paul, a protest leader and resident in Dharavi, Asia’s largest slum.
“Slum dwellers are human beings, not dogs,” said one poster [hey, dogs live in the slum too, shithead].
“They should change at least the title ["...which is all I know about it"]. Why did our Censor Board allow such a title in India? It is very sad,” said Kallubhai Qureshi, a resident in Dharavi.
Nicholas Almeida, a social activist and slum dweller who has filed a complaint in a local court against the title, said the filmmakers also had a responsibility toward the slums in which they shot the movie.
“It is making so many millions of dollars, why can’t they spend some money here to improve our lives?” said Almeida.

That’s right, dozens.  In a country with almost 1.2 billion people, at least 12 people came out to protest.  That’s less than the film’s crew.  Why is anyone talking to these idiots?  12 people? I can find more hoboes than that in my neighborhood protesting things that don’t exist, like the holocaust, or the female orgasm.  If the object of this protest was to make me pray the protesters starve to death, well done.

Believe it or not, this news lede didn’t come from The Onion.

A large crystal skull similar to those at the center of the upcoming Harrison Ford movie was recently stolen from a New Age store, puzzling employees in part because of the laid-back nature of shop regulars.

Gosh, I never would’ve thought people who think crystals have magical powers could be puzzled by something.

The skull, named Solar Ray [probably after his daughter -Ed.] by owner Don Marr, had been on loan at "Kindred Spirits" for about four months and went missing about two weeks ago. It had sat on an altar in the store’s classroom area and was considered one of the shop’s prized objects.

Awesome. Hey, do you think one of you lala-land idiots could talk about the skull as if it were a real person?

"He was on an altar, and he just enjoyed being here," said employee Kristen Nestor, who supervises the store’s weekly crystal-reading classes.

Perfect, thanks.

"He participated in our classes.  He likes to travel and things like that," Nestor said. "He was here for about four months, just enjoying everyone who comes through here." Nestor said she believes the skull is as old as 500 years.  [Yahoo]

Nestor isn’t an archaeologist or historian, but says the skull “just seemed like an old soul.”  Police say they have no suspects as of yet, but won’t rule out Nestor’s boyfriend, an unemployed DJ who plays “a sort of House/drumandbass/jungle hybrid.”